Since the invention of pudding in 1820, it has always been a staple in every household. Despite large scandals such as my friend Deb’s pudding wrestling mishap in 2003 and the recent revelation that the pudding pop king is a serial rapist, pudding has retained it’s place as a universally beloved mouth adventure.  Prepackaged store bought pudding comes brimming with nutritious ingredients like tetrasodium  pyrophosphate, disodium phosphate, and alkalimaltodextrin. These natural health wonders not only give pudding it’s delicious flavor but also make it one of the most versatile and eco-friendly lunch snacks you can use in your day to day life.

Here are 10 pudding hacks to improve your life and justify to your husband, Charles, why you bought 16 cases of chocolate pudding last weekend at Costco in the midst of a very emotional menstrual cycle.

Fire Extinguisher

Nothing puts out a fire more quickly and easily than pudding. If your son Jaxon sets his sister Reybekkyah’s hair on fire, simply go to the pantry and grab 3 to 10 snack packs, open those puppies up and dump them atop the flames. Not only will you douse the fire but you all can all have a great laugh afterwards while enjoying a delectable pudding snack.

Dark Arts

Many women dabble in the dark arts but are intimidated by how to find a coven. Use pudding to paint a cross above your bed to summon a spirit guide from the underworld who will lead you in the paths of the dark arts.

Lube

Maybe you have a rusty door, a squeaky joint, or you are deeply repulsed by your long term lover’s disgusting body. Pudding is a great way to add much needed lubrication to pretty much anything.

Spa Treatment

Tired and old looking? No need to waste money at one of those fancy spas, all you need is a crate of pudding, a towel, a spoon, 3 dried chickpeas, a Barry Manilow poster, and a ham sandwich. Pudding can be used as a face mask, foot mask, butt mask, and even a hair treatment.

Rash

Does your husband have a recurring dick rash? Maybe your baby keeps getting those repulsive diaper rashes. Whatever the rashes that are taking over your household it’s time to say “Stop! Pudding time” in an MC Hammer voice. Apply pudding to any rash for instant relief and, in a bind, an instant snack.

Clean your Toothbrush

Most of us have disgusting mouths brimming with a plethora of mysterious bacteria and viruses waiting to jump down into our gut flora and destroy what inner joy we have remaining. Keep those mouth devils away by cleaning your toothbrush with pudding.

Toothpaste

Mix sand with your pudding to create an unbeatable toothpaste that no kid will turn down. Mint breath? No thank you, I’ll stick with pudding.

Omelette

Add pudding to any omelette to give it that extra fluff you hear Gordon Ramsay talking about on the TV set.

Shaving Cream

Sick and tired of buying expensive shaving cream for your thrice daily shaving habits? Substitute pudding for a shave that’s free from cuts but filled with deliciousness.

Birth Control

Fill your vaginal cavity with pudding before sex to prevent unwanted babies and to give your lover an irresistibly sweet puddingy surprise.