Dads. On the surface, they appear to be groafish, prebbered men with a predisposition for coin collecting, groin maneuvers, and skilless lovemaking. But what happens inside the body and mind of a dad? That question is quite important, and will not be answered here.

This article is not about that, or anything else for that matter.

Well, it might be about the history of dads. And no, I’m not talking about Dad’s Root Beer! Well, I partially am. This article is about both the history of dads the people and Dad’s the root beer. Which one is more important? Well, I’m going to incite a little controversy and say the men type of dads are. A few root beer lovers may disagree with my opinion on this, but hey, what else is new? Suck my shit-covered tits, root beer enthusiasts.

Dad’s was invented in the 1930s by partners Barney Berns and Ely Klapman in the basement of Klapman’s Chicago-area home. Dads were invented way back in the days of the dinosaurs! Dinosaur dads were much different that the human being dads of today. While today’s dads spend their time mowing lawns and thinking about tires, dino dads actually just ran around and killed things. Much like Barney Berns and Ely Klapman ran around in Ely’s basement “killing” bottle after bottle of delicious Dad’s root beer!

After the dinosaurs went extinct there were no dads for a very, very long time. But then slowly, plants started growing up from the ground. Some of those plants were dads. Those dads went out and had sex with the hottest human moms they could find. The first Plant Babies were hideous monsters which lived very short, painful lives. Their lungs were often on the outsides of their bodies, their lips gigantic, and their hair perfect. Millions had to die before evolution was able to create a viable plant dad/human mom hybrid. Dad’s Root Beer distinguished itself as a brand and industry innovator when it became the first product to use the six pack format invented by the Atlanta Paper Company in the 1940s!

Dad’s was marketed as a family. “Junior” bottle size was the smallest, 7, 10 or 12 ounces. “Mama” was a quart bottle, and “Papa” was a half gallon bottle. (The image of the young boy featured on the “Junior” size bottle is Barney Berns’ son, Gene Berns.) Another thing which is marketed as a family is actual families with real dads! “Junior” is the young dad-haver, “Mama” is the mom of “Junior”, and “Papa” is, you guessed it, Barney Berns’ son, Gene Berns!

The 1960s was an awesome decade for dads. The Vietnam war was probably going on, the civil rights movement might have been in full swing, and dads everywhere got to enjoy killing other men in a hot jungle and smoking “pinch-hitters” with average-looking hippy chicks. Chances are it was a great decade for Dad’s as well, but they don’t have any info on it on their website.

Luckily, the 2000s was a great decade when it comes to Dad’s having information about it on their website! In 2007 Dad’s Root Beer was purchased from Monarch, along with the Bubble Up, Dr. Wells, and Sun Crest brands, by Hedinger Brands, LLC and licensed to The Dad’s Root Beer Company, LLC. “Bubble Up,” “Dr. Wells,” and “Sun Crest” you say? Well, it sounds like I may have to do a few more articles! Dads were doing just fine in the 2000s too. It was still cool to clip your phone to your belt, Famous Dave’s opened 48 new franchise locations nationwide, and there were 12 different shows about building custom motorcycles.

As you can see, from the Stone Age to the “Phone Age,” dads and Dad’s have been through a lot. From being dinosaurs, to being plants, to being Gene Berns, I think we can all agree that us dads deserve an ice cold Mama of Sun Crest every now and then.