How To Deal With Your King Tut When He’s…

King Tut

If there’s anything more annoying than a man/god, this queen doesn’t even want to know about it.

And since we can’t legally kill ‘em, mummify ‘em and preserve their earthly bodies for eternity in a tomb while their spirits travel on into the afterlife, I guess we have to live with ‘em! So what’s a gal to do to turn her fella’s pharaoh-n upside down? (See what I did there? I command you to see what I did there. Never forget that I am royalty.)

A sad spouse can rune (See it. Praise it. I am a demigod.) even the best of relationships. Here are some tried and true ways to put the pep back in his (possibly club-footed) step.

Make him your priority!

King Tut

A Weekly Date – Set aside one night a week for just you and your man-child. Spend some quality time listening to or at least pretending to listen to him, his worries, his aspirations, his lunatic ramblings.

Exercise – If you can get his body moving you might be able to get his mind moving, too. Suggest to your King that you get some exercise together – perhaps a walk around the pyramids or a brisk whipping of the slaves.

A Peaceful Place – Bowls, amulets, urns, hieroglyphics, camels, headpieces, masks, sand, pottery jars, preserved organs, other typical museum shit — all that clutter can really overwhelm someone! Considered creating a sacred space, for just you and him and 4 or 5 cats.

Spice it up!

King Tut

In The Bedroom – Maybe your guy’s a bit tired of the missionary position. Why not try some new sex moves, like drunken scarab, human chariot or penis mummy? Slip into a tighter tunic and do it in a sarcophagus. Draw a happy face on “Tut Jr.” with eyeliner. Bring the goat into the bedroom for some special playtime before slaughtering and eating it.

Do Something New – Anything his heart desires! Try out new wigs for you and for him. Does he have any hobbies besides having his parents be siblings? Encourage him to get more involved in those hobbies, or help him pick something new, like playing the lute or skewering servants.

Throw a Party – Everyone knows how much men love parties and all their ensuing noise and drama. Invite all your wealthy friends over to play games, listen to music, and talk shit about people not in attendance to help raise your man’s spirits [not literally].

A change of surroundings!

King Tut

A Weekend Away – Maybe it’s time for a change of scenery. Get your camels out on the road for a mini-vacay. Or organize a hunt! How about a booze cruise on the Nile?

A Stay-cation – What if your King doesn’t like to stray far from his kingdom? Stock the fridge with his favorite barley beer and binge watch a whole season of wall paintings.

Love Potion – If all else fails, turn to drugs. A tincture made from crushed beetles and sheep dung can do a pretty good job of cheering him up. Or killing him, which also solves your problem!


10 Things Guys Should Never Do On a First…

First Dates

Ladies, you know the drill. Relationships are all about give and take, and there’s a lot we’ll put up with, but if he pulls any of these on you on the first date, girl, you’d better run!

Here are ten of the most common first date deal-breakers:

1.  Be the guy from Smash Mouth. 
This rule may seem obvious to most of us, but you’d be surprised just how many ladies don’t seem to care!
2. Bring another woman. 
Look, fun gals like us are up for almost anything, but here’s where the “almost” comes into play. Sure, she’d probably make a great bathroom gossip buddy, but that’s not the point.

3. Slap a child.

Unless the child is really, really asking for it.

4. Talk during the movie.
A little witty commentary here and there is fine, but keep it to a minimum, buddy! We’re trying to enjoy this porno.

5. Ask if you’d be willing to convert. 
Whoa, too soon, fella! We’re all for religious guys and we’re not saying Satanism is out of the question but lighten up and save the serious stuff for later!
6. Make you pay.
Modern gals like us are open to the idea of going dutch! But not on the first date, and certainly not his mortgage payment or alimony. A lady has to have some self respect!
7. Hide a gun in your purse.
Candy? Sure. A tenner? Absolutely. Picture of Ryan Gosling shirtless? Always appreciated. A stolen Smith & Wesson .22 caliber pistol? Totes inappropes.
8. Get matching tattoos. 
Let’s face it, tattoos are kinda tacky and matching tattoos are always a bad idea (sorry, it’s true!). That goes double for on a first date and triple when it’s of his ex-wife’s name.

9. Buy you tampons.
It’s one thing if you need them but as a first date gift it’s just not that romantic.
10. Bite the head off a live chicken.

Hey, we know he’s hungry. We’re hungry, too! But he should try to have at least a tiny bit of decorum until we’ve known him longer. And he’d better share!