Tim Gunn BEAUTY & STYLE

Tim Gunn: No More Loafers for Ladies

Tim Gunn

It’s nice to cry sometimes, and ladies, nothing makes me sob like a pair of cankles in Minnetonka Moccasins! Ladies!

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Not even the thinnest ankles can achieve this look, don’t even try it! Leave loafers to men!

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Loafers are a sacred shoe, tainted by these knee-highs, simply horrifying. Loafers should be worn with a tasteful, delicate sock. Girls, buy a pair of uggs, loafers are for boys.

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Loafers on a dock? Are you a lunatic?! Don’t make me say it, leave it to men, in the man cave, where the men are.

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Simply revolting, loafers are meant to be bland, and almost always brown. Loafers are a boy’s club, no girls allowed!

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Double trouble, I don’t know whether to throw up or remove my own legs with a chainsaw, simply disturbing… Ladies! Loafers are a man’s game, sit on the sidelines.

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
I rest my case.

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Trader Joes REAL TALK

Memo from Manager Mark: Fall Edition

Trader Joes

Settle down turds and turdettes, it’s Managerial Mark here, your Crew leader. We have some new fall items you need to know about, and Thanksgiving is around the corner, dicktits, so pay attention.

Trader Joes

Yammy Mammy Marshmallow Sweet Potato Side

These guys are perfect for singles, loners, dog people, seniors, or anyone with no teeth or general tooth sensitivity. Yammy’s pairs well with our signature Warm Duck Salad and Ginger Pear Spears.

Trader Joes

TooFun Tofurky

This guy is pre-stuffed with cabbage rind and walnuts so you know it’s moist as hell. Remind customers that this turkey is for single lesbian substitute teachers only.

Trader Joes

Diet Muffin Stuffin’

Due to a recent backlog of muffin bottoms after our release of Mammoth Martha’s Muffin Tops, we are proud to announce the latest holiday staple, stuffing made entirely out of dried muffin bottoms: try baking these cuties at 400 for 10, adding a drizzle of corn vinaigrette and garnish with Ginger Pear Spears for a quick salad.

Trader Joes

Crazy Aunt Barbara’s Crantastic Preservation Experiment

This cranberry topping is rumored to have started as a failed attempt to ferment cranberries for liquor in jail toilets for trade in the big house. Once she was out, Aunt Barbara’s passion for toilet cranberry topping was passed down through generations and eventually our hands.

Trader Joes

Chubby Hubby’s Mexican Pumpkin Pie

This pie is the answer to every receptionist’s Thanksgiving potluck contribution. It’s every American’s favorite holiday pie with a sexy twist. And in America, it’s nice to have secrets again.

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Divorcees REAL TALK

10 Divorcees! Heartbroken and DESPERATE!

Divorcees

Sometimes partners can’t get over their differences and divorce. Let’s look at some of the most desperate divorcees this side of the Mississippi! 

This first divorcee is named Terrence. He works at a coffee cart in a remote village.

Divorcees

Self proclaimed, the king of fruit bats, Terrence Jr. lives in a tree and is king of the fruit bats. Wow!

Divorcees

Neil Young is probably divorced, who knows!

Divorcees

This is Doug who is rumored to be a divorcee. He’s been the talk of the town since he was arrested for washing his clothing is his neighbor’s pool last year.

Divorcees

Debra is no stranger to being single. Her husband divorced her minutes before dying in a boating accident. Really makes you think…

Divorcees

Not a lot of people know that Faith Hill has a sister, but she does, and she is extremely divorced.

Divorcees

Sometimes there are men involved in a divorce, like this man, Leslie. Leslie and his dog Cooter live in a large van in a Walmart parking lot in Arizona, very exotic.

Divorcees

Cassandra is a big fat liar and divorced.

Divorcees

Two words: divorced.

Divorcees

Paul moved to Spain after his divorce and he’s never felt shittier. Oh well!

Divorcees

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Olives REAL TALK

OLIVES

Olives

There’s been a lot of controversy around olives lately and I think it’s disgusting.

The bond on an olive family is cherished and undeniable.

Olives

Olives come in a variety of shapes, colors, and sizes. Who knew?

Olives

Most people have no idea they can find olives at their local grocery store or Pizza Hut dumpster.

Olives

Some olives are filled with dog penises.

Olives

June 1st marks the day of the first annual olive day. Children and adults sing from the rooftops:

O, King Olive
Leave us your pits
Eat our orphaned children
And orphaned wife children
We will follow your wrath with our hands
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, King Olive, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It

Olives

Olives are considered the largest living descendant of bats in Albania. Interesting!!!

Olives

One thing we can all agree on is that olives make amazing friends and better husbands…

Olives

So toss an olive salad this olive season. Tis the season to eat olives!

Olives

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Margarita Recipe COVER STORY

Kid Rock’s Family Dumpster Margarita Recipe

Margarita Recipe

Think you like margaritas as much as Kid Rock? Probably not! Check out Kid Rock’s coveted Margarita recipe!

Margarita Recipe

“You throw some ham on that sucker and you’ve got something good”

Kid Rock holds ham in high esteem, it’s one of his favorite meat based products.

Margarita Recipe

“Then you pour all this cola on it. It don’t matter if it’s RC Cola or for real cola from a can at the Piggy Wiggly’s”

Cans of cola are perfect for this signature drink, and as Kid Rock started, 1/4 cup and a few splashes is all you need to bring the flavors out of this classic marg.

Margarita Recipe

“Caramel and other things are nice”

Remember that behind every classic marg is a symphony of flavors crafted by one of many margarita mixes, do not use sparingly!

Margarita Recipe

“You put some onions in that bitch, call your daddy it’s a parrrrrrty!”

Red onions are particularly flavorful and a perfect marriage in this drink. Garnish each glass with diced onions and serve!

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Mennonite HEALTH

You Know You’re A Mennonite When…

Mennonite

Ever wonder if you might me a Mennonite? Check out these symptoms:

You fold clothing in the hot sun for hours

Mennonite

You have four sons that braid their beards together

Mennonite

You park your horse like a car because that’s what makes this country great

Mennonite

Your horse eats at the table like family

Mennonite

Your cousin is your sister’s dog

Mennonite

You ate a dog on a dare

Mennonite

Uncircumcised

Mennonite

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Stoffel COVER STORY

Stoffel the Honey Badger!

STOFFEL THE HONEY BADGER: 8,000 CALORIES A DAY AND FEELING FLIRTY!

“Well, I mainly wake up and eat ground bugs…”

Stoffel the Honey Badger lives in an undisclosed location in the bush and eats bugs for breakfast, a true bush boy.

Stoffel

“I live behind a bunch of bushes under a juniper bush behind my dad’s house”

Stoffel spends his days eating, eating with his girlfriend Garen and thinking about eating… all behind the natural bush life in Stoffel’s traditional bush cottage.

Stoffel

“Before I’m allowed to go out my dad makes me let him check me for ticks with all my friends. Whatever…”

Ticks are a serious issue in the bush.

Stoffel

“My dad wears the same thing everyday. I don’t really think about it”

That much is true for a typical bush man residing in the bush.

Stoffel

“At around 1PM I chase ghosts”

It’s chasing bush ghosts that keeps Stoffel in tip-top shape.

Stoffel

“There’s always plenty of fresh oranges in the trash. Sometimes I’ll eat 50 and throw up in the lake”

Oranges are a meal fit for any bush man, and Stoffel is just a typical man in the bush!

Stoffel

Thank you for the beautiful tour of the bush, you are a king among men!

Stoffel

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Owls REAL TALK

9 OWLS

Owls

“Some people think owls are birds and they’re probably right”

If there’s one thing owls cherish it’s family.

Owl

There are all kinds of owls. Some of them have feathers and children, most of them have a lot of feathers.

Owls

Not many people realize that owls were banned until 1978.

Owls

This is a guy who really gets into the corners. Classic owl humor.

Owls

Sing with me the song of the owl:

O, Great owl, humble and large
We give you snack rats
And bags of oatmeal
Fly into the night with your crazy owl wings
Have it your way with your choice of two delicious sides:
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, Great Owl, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It

Owls

In Japan they elected their first Owl Prime Minister — what a hoot!

Owls

One common misconception about owls is their piss poor grooming habits, and I would have to agree with that statement. Absolutely disgusting.

Owls

King of the jungle indeed!

Owls

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Seal COVER STORY

Seal Dishes on his Deep-Dish Addiction

Seal

Their new sauces are fantastic. I’m divorced!!

“I’ve been buying pizzas from Pizza Hut pretty consistently for fourteen years and I’ll only stop when I’m cold and dead”

Seal is extremely Italian and holds Pizza Hut in high pizza regard… Terrific!

Seal

“Their sauce makes me scream with delight”

Pizza Hut now has a variety of pizza sauces for your custom pizza orders. Each one is dumped onto flattened pizza dough and from a can, spectacular.

Seal

“Have you heard of drizzle? It’s divine…”

Pizza Hut puts watery sauce on your pizzas! For FREE!!!!

Seal

“Let’s talk sides… if you aren’t down to share a few apps, NO THANKS, BROTHER!”

Seal takes apps like jalapeño pizza popenators very seriously and he’ll actually kill you if you disagree with him.

Seal

“There’s nothing I enjoy more than unwinding with my blended family and a box of cheesy bread planks”

Seal can’t get enough of them.

Seal

Seal, you are a brave man with impeccable taste.

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.