LIFESTYLE

Pier 1’s Perfect Pyramid Pick-Me-Ups

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Is your pyramid so 2630 BC? These Pier 1 finds will bring it to the 21st century.

Mojito Sign – $9.98

Feel the breeze all the way in Egypt with this island-inspired cocktail recipe! Large enough to mount on any slanted wall.

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Glitter Skull Set – 6.95

Gettin’ spooky with it? These flashy heads will look fab in almost any basin or tub.

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Silver Spoon Wall Décor – $54.99

I know what you’re thinking, why would I need a 46″ spoon? Well once you mount this puppy in your kitchen, you’ll be surprised you ever lived without it.

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Flounce Pillow (Teal) – $23.96

This gorgeous teal hue will match all the browns and yellows of your pyramid. You don’t need to a hire a slave to know that!

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Papasan Cushion (Red Piper) – $79.20

Let me just say, wow. These remarkable cushions will revolutionize your lounging – adding much needed Papasan to your dull life.

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Adriel Chair (Indigo) – $349.98

Indigo? They still use that stuff? Throwback to your ancient roots with this totally authentic chair.

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Recycled Glass Head – $19.95

Funkify your toilet corner with this big empty head. Perfect for parties.

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Old Bengali Patch Pouf Ottoman – $149.95

If your pyramid needs a splash of clashing colors, look no further than this unique ottoman. Old Texas meets New Mexico with a hand-quilted design even King Tut couldn’t pass up!

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Dirty Secrets SEXY SEX

Dr. Fert’s Dirty Secrets to a Most Passionate Love-Doing

Dirty Secrets

So… you’ve decided to “sex” your man or woman? It’s about way more than sliding into holes especially if she’s a fertile Myrtle.

Check out these tiny dirty secrets from me, Dr. Fert!!!

Dirty Secret 1: Sexing-Up the Love Cave

Dirty Secrets

One of the most important components of love-doing is your surroundings. Watch your love-doings transform as your environment shifts.

Three words: candles, candles, CANDLES! Both ladies and men love to use candles in and outside of the bedroom. Spice up your cave with the scent of a thousand Gingerbread Men.

Dirty Secret 2: Navigating your partner's sexual love-map.

Dirty Secrets

You would not go on a road trip without your GPS or certified GPS assistant dog. Get to know the map of your lover.

Start at your partner’s appendages and make a right onto Pleasure Highway. Continue north until you reach exit 69, pay close attention to bumps and road work ahead!

Dirty Little Secret 3: Errogenizing your Horizons

Dirty Secrets

It’s time to get comfortable in our own skin and love make outside the box for once in your life.

Start by attending a local rec center class for beginner’s acrobatics. You’ll enjoy the time you’re spending as lovers and as circus rats. Who knows what tricks you’ll learn!

Dirty Little Secret 4: Hitting it without Quitting it

Dirty Secrets

A common problem with sexually active males is maintaining a Stiff Jackson for an appropriate amount of time –46 to 53 minutes on average in North American.

The best advice I have for maintaining a Hard Susie is thinking about an extremely long game of cricket or the last time you went to the beach wearing sneakers.

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COVER STORY

Danny Devito’s Troll Foot: Life in the Boot

It’s always Danny Devito’s Troll Foot this, Danny Devito’s Troll Foot that.  

Well guess what, America? My name is Jacques and this is my story.

“Master Danny has been keeping me to himself for awhile. I am his companion, his confidante. We are a team but I am not defined by him. I am Jacques.”

Jacques comes from an Italian line of troll feet and family is one of his top priorities.

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“I do get stage fright but Master Danny insists it’s normal. My mom loves Anderson Cooper so she was happy when this pic was snapped.”

Jacques mother refused to comment.

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“I don’t get it. Is it ironic?”

Jacques has trouble understanding the subtlety of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and will not divulge any information on his suspected relationship with Charlie Day’s left foot, Anabel.

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“Truthfully, I wouldn’t change my job for the world. Master treats me well with the best minty scrub available at Rite Aid and I love when his pussy cat sniffs my face.”

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“At the end of a long day, Master will rub me down, soak me in Epsoms until I doze off into a most beautiful slumber.”

Night night, Jacques.

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