I frequented my local jjimjilbang, or Korean Unisex Spa, in a partially abandoned suburban shopping mall, and all I got was a rented t-shirt and shorts set that makes me look like a ten pound bag of onions in a five pound sack of pantyhose! What’s a girl to do?

Safety First! Korean Spa is a strictly no-butterflies zone. When someone is about to touch your face, the last thing you want is gentle kisses from the breeze of ephemeral wings! Get out of here, butterfly! This is my time.

BYOF: You do NOT want to get caught in Korean Spa without your flower! Flower gangs wage sauna turf wars for most the exotic bloom, and you need to decide now, before its too late: Tropical Orchid or Water Lily.

Thought it was extreme to masticate half an avocado, spit it back into the shell and rub it into your face? Most Korean Spas have a dining hall where chewing and dabbing is not only allowed, it’s encouraged.

You have to ask for this treatment specifically, but most Korean spa establishments will paint a perfect representation of the lonely void that is your private life right onto your hairless jawline. Remember to tip for all services.

Speaking of tips, I hid a fifty dollar bill in here last week.

Yoon refused to let me reheat my baked egg in her sauna microwave and then she laughed at me and so did Sun-Hi but its okay, really. No hard feelings.

Here’s my wife, treating herself to the pure indulgence of being massaged with 100% pure cartoon frog elbows.

Experience the pore-tightening effects of time travel in the Jewel Sauna. Or don’t, its your life. Make up your mind before entering this steaming hot room of intrigue, though, because wherever you go, you’re going to end up there without underpants.

It took 12 hours of nonstop begging and outright bribery, but I finally found someone to rip my head right off. SO relaxing. See you on the other side!

In a major coup for the military-astrological complex and a move labeled “super annoying” by those born from September 23 to October 23, President Obama’s Libra Quarantine will begin initial operations in preparation for a Fall 2015 rollout.

“We as Americans are no longer going to wait for Libra to figure it the fuck out already.”

Outlined in his 2015 State of the Union Address, Obama noted that, since the Sephora Riots of 2009, most Americans have “had it up to here” with Libra “bullshit” and, with the support of House Taureans and the Senate Assembly of a Capricorn Moon, it is now time to “just get it out of our system, you know?”

Just back up for a minute and take stock.” As part of the quarantine, recently broken-up-with Librans will no longer be able to text you leading messages, and starting September 2015, victims falling under the sign of the scales will be left to “actually make a decision for once, like a real person.”