Divorcees HEALTH

10 Sensually Satisfying Pudding Hacks with @Lisa_Bizzle

Pudding Hacks

Since the invention of pudding in 1820, it has always been a staple in every household. Despite large scandals such as my friend Deb’s pudding wrestling mishap in 2003 and the recent revelation that the pudding pop king is a serial rapist, pudding has retained it’s place as a universally beloved mouth adventure.  Prepackaged store bought pudding comes brimming with nutritious ingredients like tetrasodium  pyrophosphate, disodium phosphate, and alkalimaltodextrin. These natural health wonders not only give pudding it’s delicious flavor but also make it one of the most versatile and eco-friendly lunch snacks you can use in your day to day life.

Here are 10 pudding hacks to improve your life and justify to your husband, Charles, why you bought 16 cases of chocolate pudding last weekend at Costco in the midst of a very emotional menstrual cycle.

Pudding Hacks

Fire Extinguisher

Nothing puts out a fire more quickly and easily than pudding. If your son Jaxon sets his sister Reybekkyah’s hair on fire, simply go to the pantry and grab 3 to 10 snack packs, open those puppies up and dump them atop the flames. Not only will you douse the fire but you all can all have a great laugh afterwards while enjoying a delectable pudding snack.

Pudding Hacks

Dark Arts

Many women dabble in the dark arts but are intimidated by how to find a coven. Use pudding to paint a cross above your bed to summon a spirit guide from the underworld who will lead you in the paths of the dark arts.

Pudding Hacks

Lube

Maybe you have a rusty door, a squeaky joint, or you are deeply repulsed by your long term lover’s disgusting body. Pudding is a great way to add much needed lubrication to pretty much anything.

Pudding Hacks

Spa Treatment

Tired and old looking? No need to waste money at one of those fancy spas, all you need is a crate of pudding, a towel, a spoon, 3 dried chickpeas, a Barry Manilow poster, and a ham sandwich. Pudding can be used as a face mask, foot mask, butt mask, and even a hair treatment.

Pudding Hacks

Rash

Does your husband have a recurring dick rash? Maybe your baby keeps getting those repulsive diaper rashes. Whatever the rashes that are taking over your household it’s time to say “Stop! Pudding time” in an MC Hammer voice. Apply pudding to any rash for instant relief and, in a bind, an instant snack.

Pudding Hacks

Clean your Toothbrush

Most of us have disgusting mouths brimming with a plethora of mysterious bacteria and viruses waiting to jump down into our gut flora and destroy what inner joy we have remaining. Keep those mouth devils away by cleaning your toothbrush with pudding.

Pudding Hacks

Toothpaste

Mix sand with your pudding to create an unbeatable toothpaste that no kid will turn down. Mint breath? No thank you, I’ll stick with pudding.

Pudding Hacks

Omelette

Add pudding to any omelette to give it that extra fluff you hear Gordon Ramsay talking about on the TV set.

Pudding Hacks

Shaving Cream

Sick and tired of buying expensive shaving cream for your thrice daily shaving habits? Substitute pudding for a shave that’s free from cuts but filled with deliciousness.

Pudding Hacks

Birth Control

Fill your vaginal cavity with pudding before sex to prevent unwanted babies and to give your lover an irresistibly sweet puddingy surprise.

Lisa Bizzle

Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.

HEALTH

Diane Ranks Her Top 5 Skin Conditions

We’ve all suffered from skin issues in our lives, but only a certain percentage of us will be privy to developing a chronic skin condition or a highly visible bacterial infection of the face. We sat down with magazine guru, Diane, who weighs in on up and coming skin conditions for Summer 2015.

1. Eczema – Characterized by inflamed and scaly spots on the skin, eczema is one of those skin conditions that keeps on giving. Most people begin experiencing outbreaks in childhood. “Eczema isn’t just for children anymore!” Diane raves, “Many people will experience their first outbreak in adulthood, I’ve even seen it on the eye. Eye-czema is what I call that. Because it’s on the eye.  Pretty clever right?” she adds.

2. Fungus – While fungus can grow just about anywhere and is largely treatable, many of today’s modern women are deciding to keep their fungus around. “My personal favorite is a good toe fungus” says Diane, while eating a churro with her fingers. Looks like nobody is going to be taking the “fun” out of fungus any time soon. Lol. I like to keep things light hearted on here.

3. Rosacea – Some people pay big money to add rouge to their cheeks. In fact, 60% of women spend over $8 a year on blush. Rosacea, a common skin disorder, is what Diane refers to as “nature’s dang blush”. Unlike the majority of us walking around with our stupid pale faces, those with Rosacea have a facial redness that makes you say “Oh, look, facial redness, that kind of looks like blush”.

4. Warts – You read it here first, Summer 2015 is all about warts. Big warts, small warts, hand warts, face warts, multiple wart communities, or a single wart standing alone, this is the summer of warts. “I have warts” croons Diane

5.  Impetigo – Impetigo is more than just a cool Italian sounding word- it’s a bacterial infection that causes crust covered blisters. It usually hangs out in noses and mouth areas, but don’t worry, your eyes are susceptible too. “I thought they were boogers” screams Diane “but they kept coming back”.

Whatever fun and flirty skin condition comes your way this summer, carry it with pride and be sure to let us know which one was your favorite. “I have rash cream” adds Diane.

Lisa Bizzle

Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.

Kelly Clarkson ENTERTAINMENT

REVIEW: Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson

Again and again and again and again!!!

Kelly Clarkson is the undisputed farm emo queen. After spoiling us with countless tender ballads such as “I do not hook up”, “go”, and the underground hit “no, dad, I’m not a lesbian”, Kelly has taken the milk fat of our souls and churned it into a cube of rock and roll butter with her song “Since U Been Gone”.

Unlike her previous songs, Since U been Gone combines sick guitar riffs with air drum solos to create an uptempo farm emo rock sound more contagious than my Aunt Lorraine’s Staph infection. Furthermore, by dropping the “yo” from “you” in her song title, we are left with a feeling of youthfulness only brought about when that 19 year old kid at the gas station says I have a pretty mouth.

Since U Been Gone is designed to make scrapbooking clubs break out into fistfights and guys named Kevin punch themselves in the dick. It’s the type of jam that makes walls shake, butts clap, and dads in turtlenecks try hummus for the first time. When Clarkson croons “Again and again and again and again” it confirms that Clarkson has the most powerful ovaries in the business and she isn’t backing down from the repetition and alliteration that has made her so appealing to fans who are easily confused by complete sentences.

Since U Been Gone is easily the top song of our generation and perhaps Kelly Clarkson’s greatest contribution to my karate sound track.

KELLY CLARKSON’S “SINCE U BEEN GONE”  : A+

Lisa Bizzle

Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.

Windex HEALTH

My Strange Addiction: Windexing My Taint

Windex

I first discovered my taint when I was 13. My childhood friend Denise and I were playing “inner thigh tickle” in the back yard when a well time sneezed caused her hand to slip up into the delicate region “between the holes”. At first we were both surprised, as any other exploration of this manner would have usually resulted in her hand going into one of my 3 holes, but not this time! I can’t really describe the experience of my first taint tickle as erotic, but it was certainly special.

From that initial experience with taint touching, an obsession grew. I began by merely tapping it while on the bench during badminton practice. Within a few months I was spending hours staring at in in the mirror, coating it in lipstick, and exposing it to people on the bus. I didn’t know the name of this body part, all I knew was the joy it brought me. By 14 I had cut holes in the taint section of all my panties and was exploring my taint up to 18 hours a day.  It was around this time I learned the name of this sacred body part in math class. The classroom was quiet as we were all hunched over our math problems. As per usual, I was gently poking at my taint with a pencil. Then, through the silence, a shrill voice yelled “Taint Toucher” from the back of the room. A few children giggled and again he yelled “Taint Toucher”. I looked around, wondering where this taint was and who was touching it. Then I saw his finger, pointed in my direction.  The class erupted in laughter and I looked down to the pencil pressed against my flesh, pressed against my taint? I turned back to my math problems, slightly embarrassed by the laughter, but very excited to finally have an anatomical term for my favorite body part.

“‘Taint’ I repeated under my breath, I loved the way it rolled off my tongue… Taint…”

You see, like most young girls, nobody had formally taught me about taints. In fact, research says that 68% of women under the age of 25 aren’t sure if they have a taint. Even in New Jersey, where the vast majority of women have multiple taints, there is still no curriculum that teaches little girls about this body part. With my newfound knowledge, I went to the library and began to research the taint. Quickly, the librarian guided me to the book “Jerry’s Tiny Taint”. It was about a young boy’s struggle with his tiny taint in a family of abnormally large taints. As my knowledge of taints expanded, the obsession with my own grew exponentially. By the end of high school I was known universally as “Taint Toucher” and actually won the award for “Most Likely to Touch Taints”.

After High School I moved away to college and many assumed this obsession with my taint would subside. In fact, for the first year it almost did. I briefly became a vegan witch, donated a kidney to the dark arts, and built an owl sanctuary with a group of homeless women named Lydia.

“Quickly, the librarian guided me to the book ‘Jerry’s Tiny Taint'”

That’s when I met Igor, the Russian janitor at the college. While he was about 40 years older than me, covered in psoriasis, and didn’t speak English, I found myself extremely attracted to him. One day I saw him cleaning the windows in an empty classroom. I watched as his coveralls danced over his fleshy soft curves as the sunlight caught the rugged peeling flesh of his multiple skin conditions.

I was unable to contain myself. I ran into the classroom, closed the door, and grabbed him. As I moved my lips into his I felt a splash. Igor had dropped the Windex bottle and the impact had caused the entire thing to explode over my Jordache jeans. “No lady” Igor cried “stop” he continued. I pushed my frame towards his and pressed his frail soft body against the window. I grabbed his head between my hands and once again moved in for a kiss, “lady, no” Igor bellowed as my lips pressed against his. The sexual tension between us sent a wave of ecstasy through my body. Overcome with passion, I unlocked my embrace from Igor and ran back out the door. As I sprinted back to my dorm room, the scent of the Windex clung to me as vividly as the feeling of his scaly confused lips.

Windex

Igor left the college and went to work at a keilbasa stand shortly after the incident. Although our affair could not continue, I replayed the sexy memory of Igor over and over again. At first I would just spray some Windex in the room or on my clothing, which was enough to stimulate the memories and pleasure of the encounter. Nothing could prepare me for the intensity of my first taint Windex-ing. As I sprayed the blue liquid on the taint and began to rub circular motions with a microfiber cloth, I remember feeling like nothing else in the world mattered. For me, it felt like the very thing I had been seeking my whole life, as if the empty void was suddenly filled. People have scolded me, saying “stop Windexing your taint, this is my uncle Gerald’s funeral” but as far as I’m concerned, if you invited me, you also invited my Windex and my taint.

Lisa Bizzle

Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.