“I took off my denim cowboy hat, gave him a coy smile and asked if there was a Mrs. Wilson. I didn’t wait for an answer, I couldn’t…”

An older gentlemen answered the door and introduced himself as Mr. Wilson.  I told him what I had seen and he told me it had happened a million times before and that he hated that fucking kid. At first I found this man to be a bit unfriendly and quite cantankerous, but before I knew it, I was overwhelmed with a wave of carnal lust I had never known before. I don’t know if it was his crusty old moustache or his bulbous nose but I knew I had to have him and I had to have him now.

“He kissed me back and squeezed my athletic buns with a passion I hadn’t felt since my wedding night when I married myself…”

You’re fat, you smell, and the last time a man touched you was when you were choking on that corn dog in the Costco food court. You’ve tried all the latest weight loss trends, weight watchers, crotch watchers,  hot yoga, drunk yoga, clown yoga, pizza squeezes, pilates, fart crunches, Jemmy Crayg, and nothing has worked!  Why pay a trainer thousands of dollars to make you sweat when God has created a super virus that will do all the work for you?!

Cat Rabies! Hollywood’s biggest weight loss secret has been revealed and only Ladyparts Magazine has the inside scoop.

Step 1: Contract the virus

Find an infected cat, the mangier the better. Luckily, due to the recent antivax movement there are rabies infested felines everywhere. On the bus, at church, in the handicapped bathroom at work, heck you might even have one in your litter box right now! Try to get it to bite your face because the face is connected to your brain and your brain is where all the blood in your body is stored.

Step 2: Sit Back And Relax

Congrats! The hardest part is over! Put your feet up, run a bubble bath and incubate. During this second stage, you’ll probably be running a fever, roaring, and excessively drooling.  What a perfect time to catch up on the latest season of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

Step 3: Furious Phase

Yikes! Picture PMS times 10! But with any effective weight loss plan, you’ve got to stick to the course if you want results. Expect a lot of irritability, aimless wandering, and painful swelling of the testicles.

Step 4: Paralytic Phase

During this time you’ll notice the classic “foaming of the mouth”. Maybe save those selfies for another day ladies, because you’re going to look like you just ate out the marshmallow man.  #selfie

Step 5: Results

The process is complete! If you haven’t fallen into a coma or died from respiratory failure, chances are you’re body will be banging (and not just from violent seizures!)  Some women have lost over 50 lbs and most of their teeth from this miracle program. Move over Karen Carpenter, there’s a new girl in town and it’s YOU.

Kegels were all the rage in 1993. Kegels and David Koresh. Check out these hot new ways to beef up your dong hole in 2015.

Ms. Universe

Say goodbye to pelvic organ prolapse and hello to tight sexy fun-flaps! Chug a gallon of Muscle Milk and then piss it out as hard as you can into a bucket.

Chatterbox

Remember those fun wind-up chatter teeth? Insert a pair into your V- zone and practice chomping down some corn on the cob. Careful not to bite your lip!

CrossClit

Masturbate with a crucifix ala “The Exorcist”. Your man will be thanking the lord he’s not into guys anymore.

Candle in the Wind

Light a candle and practice queefing it out. Be the quaaludes/car crash to Marilyn/Diana and extinguish that beautiful flame far before it’s time. RIP Elton John.

Yuk it Up!

Did you know that laughing actually helps strengthen vaginal muscles? Watch an episode of your creepy cousin’s favorite show, The Big Bang Theory, and chuckle your way to a perfectly taut twat. VAZINGA!