BEAUTY & STYLE

Flab, Scabs and Tab: Fall’s Hottest Accessories

Get to know fall’s sexy new trio: Flab, Scabs and Tab.

Flab

If you got it, flaunt it! In some cultures curvy women are worshipped, but not ours!   Wear clothes that are a few sizes too small to really accentuate those hairy, juicy fat rolls.  And don’t even think about being caught dead this autumn without an ample amount of bra strap back fat.

Scabs

Is there anything better than a giant brown scab? If there is, I haven’t seen it.  The more the better. I’ve got 3 on my face and 6 on my butt right now!

Tab

You can wash your hair with it, douche with it, or even soak your feet in it to ease those painful ingrown toenails.  Grandma loves it!

Marie Colette

Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.

Horny Grads Dads

Sex Tips For The Horny Grads and Dads in…

Horny Grads

Dads and Grads both love getting their Dockers wet! Here are our favorite steamy summer sex tips for the Horny Grads or Dads in your life.

Horny Grads

Dads! Pop it Like it’s Hot
Seduce him with a Dad’s Old Fashioned Root Beer while he clips his toenails in bed.

Horny Grads

Grads! The Crabwalk
Chances are he got crabs at some point in college. Let him relive his glory days by putting a crab up his butt.

Horny Grads

Dads! The Lawn Mower
For the last time, GO MOW THE GODDAMN LAWN!!!!!

Horny Grads

Grads! Pump and CirCUMstance
Pump up his wiener like you’d pump up a bicycle tire and then roll him down a hill into a ditch.

Horny Grads

Dads! Grand Slam Home Run
While ONLY wearing his favorite pair of wraparound Oakleys, drink a 12 pack of beer and then puke on his crotch.

Horny Grads

Grads! Student Loan Moan
Pay off his student loans and then have sex with him or something I don’t know.

Marie Colette

Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.

Dennis "The Menace" Rodman HEALTH

Dennis “The Menace” Rodman: “I Fucked Mr. Wilson”

Dennis "The Menace" Rodman
I’ve had many lovers in my day; Madonna, Carmen Electra, Kim Jung Un, Randy Quaid, Scottie Pippen’s first two wives etc. But one stands out in my mind above all others. Memories so clear I can almost taste them…..taste him.
 One day I was driving down the street when I saw a boy with a slingshot shoot a rock through his neighbor’s window. Being the good samaritan I am, I went and knocked on the door to inform the homeowner. If there’s one thing that really gets my goat, it’s disrespect.

“I took off my denim cowboy hat, gave him a coy smile and asked if there was a Mrs. Wilson. I didn’t wait for an answer, I couldn’t…”

An older gentlemen answered the door and introduced himself as Mr. Wilson.  I told him what I had seen and he told me it had happened a million times before and that he hated that fucking kid. At first I found this man to be a bit unfriendly and quite cantankerous, but before I knew it, I was overwhelmed with a wave of carnal lust I had never known before. I don’t know if it was his crusty old moustache or his bulbous nose but I knew I had to have him and I had to have him now.

“He kissed me back and squeezed my athletic buns with a passion I hadn’t felt since my wedding night when I married myself…”

I took off my denim cowboy hat, gave him a coy smile and asked if there was a Mrs. Wilson. I didn’t wait for an answer, I couldn’t. As soon as he opened his mouth I shoved my tongue down his throat. He kissed me back and squeezed my athletic buns with a passion I hadn’t felt since my wedding night when I married myself. I ripped off his cardigan and he ripped off my feather boa. We made love right there on the davenport in his living room.
Dennis "The Menace" Rodman
When I awoke, he was gone, which was weird because it was his house. I showed myself to the door and drove home in a euphoric daze.
I never saw Mr. Wilson again, but years later I heard on the news that he had killed that neighbor boy with an axe. I’ll always cherish the time we spent together and I will never forget him as long as I live.  No amount of tattoos or hair dye could make me feel as beautiful as I did when I was with Mr. Wilson.
Marie Colette

Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.

Cat Rabies HEALTH

Cat Rabies: The New Hot Yoga!

You’re fat, you smell, and the last time a man touched you was when you were choking on that corn dog in the Costco food court. You’ve tried all the latest weight loss trends, weight watchers, crotch watchers,  hot yoga, drunk yoga, clown yoga, pizza squeezes, pilates, fart crunches, Jemmy Crayg, and nothing has worked!  Why pay a trainer thousands of dollars to make you sweat when God has created a super virus that will do all the work for you?!

Cat Rabies! Hollywood’s biggest weight loss secret has been revealed and only Ladyparts Magazine has the inside scoop.

Step 1: Contract the virus

Find an infected cat, the mangier the better. Luckily, due to the recent antivax movement there are rabies infested felines everywhere. On the bus, at church, in the handicapped bathroom at work, heck you might even have one in your litter box right now! Try to get it to bite your face because the face is connected to your brain and your brain is where all the blood in your body is stored.

Cat Rabies

Step 2: Sit Back And Relax

Congrats! The hardest part is over! Put your feet up, run a bubble bath and incubate. During this second stage, you’ll probably be running a fever, roaring, and excessively drooling.  What a perfect time to catch up on the latest season of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

Cat Rabies

Step 3: Furious Phase

Yikes! Picture PMS times 10! But with any effective weight loss plan, you’ve got to stick to the course if you want results. Expect a lot of irritability, aimless wandering, and painful swelling of the testicles.

Cat Rabies

Step 4: Paralytic Phase

During this time you’ll notice the classic “foaming of the mouth”. Maybe save those selfies for another day ladies, because you’re going to look like you just ate out the marshmallow man.  #selfie

Cat Rabies

Step 5: Results

The process is complete! If you haven’t fallen into a coma or died from respiratory failure, chances are you’re body will be banging (and not just from violent seizures!)  Some women have lost over 50 lbs and most of their teeth from this miracle program. Move over Karen Carpenter, there’s a new girl in town and it’s YOU.

Cat Rabies
Marie Colette

Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.

ENTERTAINMENT

Behind the Scenes of LFO’s New Music Video “Janet,…

LADYPARTS Magazine sits down with the boys on the set of their new video to discuss life, love and whether sea monkeys are actually monkeys or if they’re just tiny little shrimps like my mom said.

LP: Thanks for joining me guys. What an honor. You just ended your world wide sold out tour and here you are on the set of your new video. Does the magic ever stop?

Rich: Well early on in our career a lot of people wrote us off as a one hit wonder, but here we are 16 Grammys later.  We’re like a bad rash that will never go away no matter how hard you scratch it.

LP: Can you tell me a little about your inspiration for this video?

Devin: The song holds a place very close to our hearts and was inspired by our dear friend Susan Boyle’s lifelong struggle with shingles. She’s got the voice of an angel but a back like an iguana.

Rich: The video is essentially us on the beach trying to pick up chicks. We sing and point at the camera a lot. I think it’s one of our best yet.

Devin: There’s one part where we’re all playing football in the sand and I trip and fall in front of these hot babes and they all start laughing at me, but then we hook up in the end.  It has nothing to do with the song whatsoever.

tip

LP: Speaking of Suzie Boy, what advice can you give to young people looking to get into the music industry?

Brad: Pay people to write your songs.

Rich: Get your hair frosted twice a day.

Devin: Steal towels from hotels to save money.

LP: LADYPARTS readers everywhere are wondering, are you guys dating anyone at the moment?

Devin: Well it’s really tough to date with our busy schedules but we do make the time to have a sexual relationship with Denis Leary.

LP: All three of you?

Devin: Yes.

LP: Whoa that’s hot. So do you guys want to go to back to my hotel after this or what? I just got a Nuva ring and I want to break it in. Donkey style.

Devin: No

Brad: No

Rich: I would love to but I died of leukemia 5 years ago

Ew gross.

Thanks for sitting down with me guys. Be sure to check out LFO’s new video “Janet, My Back Hurts”

 

Marie Colette

Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.

Kegels HEALTH

Kegels Schmegels: Try These 5 New Dangerous Pussy Exercises

Kegels

Kegels were all the rage in 1993. Kegels and David Koresh. Check out these hot new ways to beef up your dong hole in 2015.

Ms. Universe

Say goodbye to pelvic organ prolapse and hello to tight sexy fun-flaps! Chug a gallon of Muscle Milk and then piss it out as hard as you can into a bucket.

Kegels

Chatterbox

Remember those fun wind-up chatter teeth? Insert a pair into your V- zone and practice chomping down some corn on the cob. Careful not to bite your lip!

Kegels

CrossClit

Masturbate with a crucifix ala “The Exorcist”. Your man will be thanking the lord he’s not into guys anymore.

Kegels

Candle in the Wind

Light a candle and practice queefing it out. Be the quaaludes/car crash to Marilyn/Diana and extinguish that beautiful flame far before it’s time. RIP Elton John.

Kegels

Yuk it Up!

Did you know that laughing actually helps strengthen vaginal muscles? Watch an episode of your creepy cousin’s favorite show, The Big Bang Theory, and chuckle your way to a perfectly taut twat. VAZINGA!

Kegels
Marie Colette

Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.