Marriage is hard. There’s no shame in admitting that you have a problem. Maybe you and your husband have been married for 10 years and he’s distant and you haven’t slept together in a few months and his secretary calls late at night and you cry more than usual.
Luckily, there’s a solution. It’s called Scientology. Scientology literally means “knowing how to know.” Fact. And when have facts ever been wrong? Here’s 10 PROVEN ways you can spice up your marriage.
1. Maybe you and your husband are going through one of your frequent “cooling down” periods, and maybe you haven’t touched each other in a while, and maybe you crave the touch of another human’s flesh with such a violent urge that you’ve been groping strangers in line at the supermarket. This is a problem. BUT, there’s a solution. Snuggle with your John Travolta body pillow, economically priced at just $69.95!
3. Auditing, auditing, auditing! Make your husband go in for extra auditing sessions to “divulge him of all his negative energies and thoughts.” Use those thoughts against him in future arguments. Sure, it’s a complete invasion of privacy but think of the make-up sex after you casually bring up the time he had gay thoughts at summer camp when he was 13.
5. Put portraits of L. Ron Hubbard all around the house and especially in the bedroom. Nothing says arousal like the founder of Scientology’s dead eyes following you around. Spooky scary!
6. Nothing brings two people together faster than hating the same person, so find an outspoken critic of Scientology and make their life a living Hell. Show up to their home and yell profanities at them. Videotape their every movement. Find out what school their children go to and pay the popular kids to bully them. If they have a problem with it, you’re just practising your First Amendment rights. It’s called free speech, ever heard of it?
7. Think about David Miscavige while lovemaking with your spouse.
10. Pull a “Shelly Miscavige” and make him disappear. Er, not disappear, per se. Cause she’s totally around and just busy. She’s just been super busy for 10 years and doesn’t have time to appear in public. She’s totally fine. No, really. She’s doing good. Things are great in Scientology and they can be for you too. Join us. Hail Xenu.
Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.