SEXY SEX

10 Ways Scientology Can Spice Up Your Marriage

Marriage is hard. There’s no shame in admitting that you have a problem. Maybe you and your husband have been married for 10 years and he’s distant and you haven’t slept together in a few months and his secretary calls late at night and you cry more than usual.


Luckily, there’s a solution. It’s called Scientology. Scientology literally means “knowing how to know.” Fact. And when have facts ever been wrong? Here’s 10 PROVEN ways you can spice up your marriage.

1. Maybe you and your husband are going through one of your frequent “cooling down” periods, and maybe you haven’t touched each other in a while, and maybe you crave the touch of another human’s flesh with such a violent urge that you’ve been groping strangers in line at the supermarket. This is a problem. BUT, there’s a solution. Snuggle with your John Travolta body pillow, economically priced at just $69.95!

2. Have him committed to one of Scientology’s prison camps for 6 months. Nothing makes the heart grow fonder than absence… And 18 hours a day of grueling hard labor. By the time he’s finally released he’ll be so mentally and physically wrecked that he’ll be unable to leave you due to exhaustion. Win-win! 

3. Auditing, auditing, auditing! Make your husband go in for extra auditing sessions to “divulge him of all his negative energies and thoughts.” Use those thoughts against him in future arguments. Sure, it’s a complete invasion of privacy but think of the make-up sex after you casually bring up the time he had gay thoughts at summer camp when he was 13.

4. Tap his phone. When you’re listening in on his conversations you can whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

5. Put portraits of L. Ron Hubbard all around the house and especially in the bedroom. Nothing says arousal like the founder of Scientology’s dead eyes following you around. Spooky scary!

6. Nothing brings two people together faster than hating the same person, so find an outspoken critic of Scientology and make their life a living Hell. Show up to their home and yell profanities at them. Videotape their every movement. Find out what school their children go to and pay the popular kids to bully them. If they have a problem with it, you’re just practising your First Amendment rights. It’s called free speech, ever heard of it?

7. Think about David Miscavige while lovemaking with your spouse.

8. Trick him into signing the one billion year contract. What better way to have him prove his undying devotion to your marriage than to be contractually-obligated to love you?
9. Empty your bank accounts and put that money towards Scientology courses. He’ll be unable to wine and dine a mistress AND without money for food he’ll be so delirious from hunger he’ll have to rely on you to nurse him.

10. Pull a “Shelly Miscavige” and make him disappear. Er, not disappear, per se. Cause she’s totally around and just busy. She’s just been super busy for 10 years and doesn’t have time to appear in public. She’s totally fine. No, really. She’s doing good. Things are great in Scientology and they can be for you too. Join us. Hail Xenu.

Sam Montgomery

Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.

Kelly Clarkson ENTERTAINMENT

REVIEW: Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson

“The Romeo and Juliet of hair”

Kelly Clarkson

“Since U Been Gone” is the earth-shattering single from sassy songstress Kelly Clarkson that sparked the Clarksonaissance after her previously-boring songs like “A Moment Like Who Cares”, “Breakaway from Listening to This Song” and “Because of You I Wish I Were Deaf”.

Kelly penned this modern pop classic after breaking up with her American Idol flame Justin Guarini due to prejudices she experienced from their mixed-hairstyle love. How could two people with such different hairstyles ever fall in love? It never would have worked. Probably a good decision, Kelly. Kudos.

KELLY CLARKSON’S “SINCE U BEEN GONE”: A+ if I’ve been drinking, B if I’m sober

Sam Montgomery

Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.

Mayor OOPS

Diane Drama: I Hit the Mayor with My Car…

Mayor

Here’s my confession: Yes, I hit the mayor with my car and kept driving. I’m not a terrible person, though! Really, it could have happened to anyone. Lots of people drink a little too much chardonnay at dinner and agree to give their younger boyfriend Greg a handjob on the ride home. Why didn’t Greg drive? Because he only has one arm, duh. Anyway, as I drove through that crossing and heard the thud on my windshield, I did stop the car! I got out like a responsible adult and checked the mayor’s battered and bloodied face just long enough to make sure he was still breathing. I ignored his pleas of “Call 911, please, I think I’m dying, I’m a new grandfather!” because my cell phone is ran? out of minutes.

How would you feel to be me? A divorced mother of two ungrateful children that openly tell me every day they prefer their stepmother Karen because she makes their father happy in a way I never could. I’m just trying my best! Sometimes I feel so powerless I get too drunk at dive bars and take my top off in the bathroom. It’s empowering in a way that’s too complicated for me to explain to you.

So when I took one last look at the mayor whimpering on the sidewalk in a puddle of his own vomit and blood, I felt alive in a way I haven’t felt since they brought the Oprah chai tea latte to Starbucks. I hopped back into my car, buckled in, and felt a rush of adrenaline. Ah, so this is power.

Greg cried the whole way home like a little bitch but not me. I sped up and drove the whole way home cackling. I hit the mayor with my car and I’d do it again.

Looks like Diane’s got her groove back.

Sam Montgomery

Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.