Donald Trump REAL TALK

7 Chinas I Would Never Visit!

We all know Donald Trump hates China… but which one?! With so many Chinas in this world, we at LADYPARTS Magazine had to get to the bottom of this tenuous issue.

1. China Classic

Located on planet earth, China Classic is known for its dense population of people and only children. Trump claims China Classic is “perhaps even the lamest of all Chinas.”

2. Japan China

Japan China may be the most picturesque China, but that doesn’t make it fun. Secluded in the Pacific Ocean, just north of the Great Pacific garbage patch, very few visit Japan and even fewer…make it back alive.

According to Trump, “Japan, China? No fucking way.”

3. Chyna

Chyna is known for the big personality of the country. Chyna is perhaps the most provocative China but according to Trump, “I’m busy right now, go away.”

4. Nana’s Nice China

Nana’s Nice China has been in the family for centuries, but that doesn’t mean its pretty. “All it does is collect dust in the cupboard, why can’t we just sell it?” asks Trump. Only visit on special occasions with Papa’s Silver Cutlery.

5. Chinaland 

Chinaland is a small town located just south of Chinawich. Nearly inhabitable because of the cloud of toxic smoke that surrounds it, Chinaland is one of the oldest cities in Beijing. “Never even heard of it,” says T.

6. China from the movies 

No list of horrible Chinas is complete without mention of China from the movies. Flooded with humans and disease, China from the movies is no place for humans. “Avoid it,” says Trump “and get out of my face, will ya?”

7. China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties and stuff

China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties stuff may seem fun, but the past should stay in the past. The big T says “China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties stuff has to be the most upsetting of all Chinas. I HATE the past.”

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Trader Joe's REAL TALK

Trader Joe’s 5 Fall Favorites

Trader Joe's

Fall is the best time to try new foods, try some food with us!

Turkey Fingerlings are the perfect way to give it your best try. Heat these cuties up in a skillet or over a hot plate for 10 minutes and serve. We suggest trying the Trader Joe’s Not Your Aunt’s Catchup for dippin’.

Trader Joe's

El Chapo’s Churros are the only way to get cinnamon in your bra, hair, armpits, in and around your cervical opening.

Trader Joe's

Little Miss Bossy Sauce’s Tequila Lime Saucey Sauce is a sexy way to spice up ground beef to the occasional chutney, and everything in between.

Trader Joe's

Sea Salt & Clam Tater Crisps are simply the tits! Let these babies melt in your mouth, and wash them down with a cool glass of Fat Aunt’s Skim Milk.

Trader Joe's

New Moon Cleanse (Gogi Berry & Silk Blend), reminds us that every moon needs a clean cycle, get the gunk out with our limited time flavors this fall.

Trader Joe's
Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

BEAUTY & STYLE

Culotte Fever: Catch the Virus! [GALLERY]

cu·lottes
ˈk(y)o͝oˌläts,k(y)o͞oˈläts/
 noun
women’s knee-length trousers, cut with very full legs to resemble a skirt.
 Surely you’ve seen these around Hollywood and thought, “the hell is that?!” Everyone from Jessica Alba to Late Night’s Jimmy Kimmel has been caught rocking this season’s hot trend: culottes.
Just last weekend we hosted the first ever LADYPARTS Culotte Gala and talk about a guest list!

Check out these exlusive pics from the LADYPARTS Culotte Gala!

Culottes are scientifically proven to hide your glumps and flatter your glutes so it’s no surprise that women, men and even our very own Dr. Fert “rock the ‘lottes” from time-to-time.

Incredible!

Did you catch the fever from this article?

Let us know: diane@ladypartsmag.com

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

COVER STORY

Bobby Flay: Mayonnaise is my Lifeblood

Celebrity chef Bobby Flay, known for his rockstar attitude with a Tex-Mex flair has been harboring a secret. 

LP:  So, this is big for you Bobby, how are you feeling?

BF: A little nervous, but it’s time. I already know I’m America’s favorite chef/divorceé/Throwdown superstar and I’m sure my mountains of fans will be supportive.

LP: Go on.

BF: Well, readers of LADYPARTS. I only kind of like grilling, my real passion is…well (laughs)… Mayonnaise. I just love it; creamy, soft.. I mean, have you had mayonnaise? It’s an art, just like grilling.

 

LP: So, bye-bye grilling?

BF: Of  course not! Grilling makes me tons of money. I mean TONS. Without grilling I wouldn’t have multiple TV shows, award-winning cookbooks and a bitter ex-wife.

“Mayonnaise is an art.”

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LP: Are you telling me that grilling contributed to your divorce?

BF: Not necessarily. But I’m sure mayo, that’s what insiders call mayonnaise, could’ve saved it. It’s a cure-all; moistens cakes, holds together mayonnaise-based salads, and… dare I say, it’s quite the game changer in the sack.

LP: So, what makes the perfect “mayo?”

BF: Haha, you’re catching on! I’d say it’s definitely about the eggs. Eggs, eggs, eggs! Of course I’d advocate for Bobby Flay’s Cage-Free Eggs for Mayonnaises and Aiolis. We have engineered the perfect viscosity for mayo, plus you cannot beat the flavor absorption of our yolks.

“Mayo, that’s what insiders call mayonnaise.”

LP: So, is there a cookbook in the works? Give me something to look forward to.

BF: Oh you can expect the whole Bobby Flay Shabang; merch, cookbooks, spice rubbings! Mayo with Flay’o, Mondays at 8 PM on the Food Network starting this fall. Mayoheads are a huge, untapped market.

LP: Wow! You’re keeping busy.

BF:  I’ve got mouths to feed!

Bobby Flay’s Signature Sweet & Smooth Garlic Aioli

Ingredients

Yields: 40

  • 1 Cup Hellmann’s Oyster-free Mayonnaise
  • 1 Dash Sweet Gordon’s C’est Ranch
  • 1 Hint Butterfinger crumbles
  • 40 Bobby Flay’s Cage-Free Eggs for Mayonnaises and Aiolis
  • 2 Swig frozen vegan egg whites
  • 1 Sprinkle smooth garlic hearts

Directions

Mix all wet ingredients together in a leather bowl, and mix with hands. Add dry ingredients and mash with hand masher until loose.

Serve with Bobby Flay’s signature Flat Chested Chicken Tendies, or Flaymoto’s Chinaman Chinese Chicken Crunch Surprise.

Freeze or throw away unused portions.

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

SEXY SEX

New Yogurt-Flavored Condoms: HOT OR NOT?

“It’s time for a change!” exclaimed Gretchen Walkerhoff, CEO of foreskin. The Miami-based condom company is no stranger to barrier-pushing ideas but Yogurt-flavored condoms? Could these really take off?

Walkerhoff thinks, yes. “The only thing women love more than blowjobs is yogurt… so why not combine them?”

4SKIN made headlines in late 2002 after they released a limited-edition Vaginadentata Female Condom. After 4 confirmed deaths and nearly 50 accidental castrations, the VFC was discontinued. They now sell on Amazon for nearly $1,500 a pop.

The CEO at the time, Greg Blaneir was let go after the incident and Walkerhoff took over.

“We’re trying to craft a feminist image here. The yogurt-flavored condom has real probiotics and cultures that battle infections as they’re forming!” **

** According to LADYPARTS’ medical correspondent, Dr. Frank Fert, this is impossible

Walkerhoff believes yogurt holds the secret to 4SKIN’s economical “dry spell.”

They’ve been losing money every year since the VFC incident and Walkerhoff has been going to great efforts to get in touch with the feminine voice of the company and it the process, she’s become more of a women herself.

And it’s not just women who love 4SKIN’s new, creamy product. Men LOVE the attention and mouthplay.

“We want the men to want to wear a condom.”

Haha okay, good luck.

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

ENTERTAINMENT

Dr. Fert’s Charity Dog Show 2015!

Talk about intense!

After two hundred twenty purebread beauties marched through the Atlanta AT&T Auditorium for the 24th annual Dr. Fert’s Charity Dog Show, the very special Borzoi, 2-year-old Michael Bublé took Best in Show.

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“A shocking win for the hound group!”

Everyone, including Dr. Fert, was expecting the prize to go to 7-year-old Captian Queso of Arizona. The toy group winner and Best in Show runner-up, (pictured below after losing) was by far the crowd favorite.

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Last year’s winning team, Sandra Cohen and Vladimir Paw-tin the Shar Pei ended up in a respectable but still losing, 3rd place. Vladimir seemed happy to go back home and run his country.

I wasn’t pleased but I guess, dog business is showbusiness.

– Sandra

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Other huge losers include Mister Congeniality, the runner up of the Toy Group, Anthony Bourdain the Chinese Crested. It was his first ever dog show and his owner/rescuer claims to be proud of him.

Better luck next year, Tony!

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For the first time in dog show HERstory, the Mutt Group was represented. Mutts of all varieties came out to represent their disgusting mixed breedness but the winner of the losers was “Lint” of Nebraska.

Aptly named.

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Honorable mentions go to another member of the Non-Working Group, Barbara in Human Resources.

1

The big winner of the evening is the Dr. Fert Foundation for Dog Repair, the first company of its kind and recipient of all the money raised.

In his closing statement, Dr. Fert thanked the participants and said the money raised from the event amounted to over $790 dollars,  a dog show high!

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

COVER STORY

Interview with Geriatric Matchmaker, Gene Simmons

Hardcore mouth rocker and amateur matchmaker for the elderly, Gene Simmons sits down with LADYPARTS magazine to dish on his new career and shit all over his former one.

LP:  Wow, Gene! What a life you’ve led. Tell me about the five years that have passed since we last spoke.

GS: Change doesn’t even begin to describe everything I’ve gone through. Let me SparkNotes it for you. Emotional breakdown, left my band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, emergency appendectomy, left the band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, left my band, finally found my true passion in watching old people fall in love. Now, I have my own reality show, Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC this fall. 

LP: How is your show different from other matchmaking shows like Millionaire Matchmaker and To Catch a Predator?

GS: My matchmaking technique is far from conventional. After my emergency appendectomy, I spent some time in third world nations, studying their courtship methods and fucking as many geriatric locals as I could find. (Laughs) In a way it was my rebirth and this show is a reflection of that.

gene 1

LP: How has being a hard core mouth rocker helped your matchmaking skills?

GS: Old people are a lot like musicians; sweaty, always tired and drowning in pussy. This is why I was drawn to working with them. Some people thinks it’s weird, “Gene…Gene Simmons? A reality show on TLC?” But hey, you go where the wind blows ya.

LP: How do they other fellas in the band feel?

GS: Oh the brothas are always used to me and my wacky antics!They are supportive but think it’s just a phase. Paul will come crawling to me for an old lady friend soon, you can just tell.

LP: And now the question on everyone’s mind, do you fuck your clients?

GS: You’ll have to watch the show to know that!

LP: So yes?

GS: What do you think, sweetie…

There you have it! Make sure to watch Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC and stay tuned for another reunion tour.

 

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

REAL TALK

Fert’s Favorite Famous Foreskins

These 10 famous foreskins rocked Fert’s world! You’d never guess whose famous foreskin tops the list!

10. I do love this British heartthrob’s foreskin, but “spotted dick” isn’t for everyone. 🙂

9. This foreskin is far from original but hey, who can say no to an American original?

8. Many people don’t know this up and coming movie star has one of the Hottest Foreskins Under 40!

7. When it comes to foreskins, size does matter! Just ask this middle-aged man hunk!

6. In my time as an overseas paramedic, I saw some rough shit, this “foreign foreskin” was a beam of hope in a dark time.

5. Not your typical foreskin but you know what they say, change is good. 🙂

4. There’s a good reason this teenage piece of man-candy is on every foreskin list!

3. No foreskin, no problem! This actress doesn’t have a foreskin but everyone deserves a shot at list-life!

2. He may be known for his strength and agility, but what he’s hiding under those panties is the real champion.

1. Not to brag, but the topper of this list has the best foreskin of all time and of course, it belongs to me. Dr. Frank Fert.

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

REAL TALK

What his DENNY’S Order Says about Him!

Fit Slam®

dennys-fit-slam-could-have-100-more-calories-than-advertised

This guy is your classic All-American Boy. Baseball hat, khaki shorts and a collared Tee? That freckle on his elbow? And don’t get me started on those calves! What I would do for a piece of that USC undergrad.

Dude Ranking: ★★★★☆

Raspberry & White Chocolate Pancake Puppies®

Strawberry-Pancake-Puppy-with-Cream-Cheese-Icing

Yikes. He’s hiding something. Those post-midnight calls to “Mommy”? The last-minute trip to Boca with “her”? Not a coincidence, sweetheart. Wake up sweetie, “Mommy’s” dead.

Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆

Tilapia Ranchero

tilapia

Oooo, we got ourselves a bad boy. Don’t be charmed by his 2002 Honda Moped, he hardly knows how to use it. You’re just another flapjack on his skillet. Move on, sistah.

Dude Ranking: ★☆☆☆☆

Moons Over My Hammy®

moon

A Denny’s classic? Sure, but an American classic? Mmm… not quite. Your “alternative” man’s artistic lifestyle certainly seems cute now, but you just bought yourself  a 1-way train ticket to an Open Relationship City. No refunds.

Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆

T-Bone Steak & Eggs

TilapiaRanchero-Large-Menu-Images

A large breakfast for a large man! In personality, I mean. You found a real fat go-getter. While his sense of humor sometimes is an enormous weight on your back, you can take his load off knowing that you found a nice one.

Dude Ranking: ★★★★★

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.