COVER STORY

Kim Jong Un and The Art of Cosplay

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un gives LADYPARTS the 411 on the art of cosplay.

“Meet Rosario Flame”

I met Kim in a Syracuse diner I found on Yelp. He arrived, 30 minutes late, rushing through the door confidently.

Kim was nearly unrecognizable as he wasn’t wearing his usual attire, he dressed down for the occasion in a full Serpent – Wolf costume. “Meet Rosario Flame,” he said.

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“I’m a cosplayer, always have been, always will be.”

After Kim ordered what I soon learned to be his “go-to” diner item, (A Black & White milkshake and two side orders of sausage) we got down to business.

He talked about growing up and always striving to be different. He’s been participating in “costume play” since a very young age. (See below) “Cosplaying gave me an opportunity to be myself in a way that is completely not myself,” said Kim in between bites of sausage.

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“It’s really about becoming the best person you can be. Or fox.”

Kim explained growing up in North Korea isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Honestly, It can get difficult,” he said. Kim admitted that on nights he wasn’t bowling with Pa, he’d sneak out of his house to attend cosplay conventions.

Corey Feldman

“Daddy’s Little Man”

When I asked Kim about his father, he laughed. At first he refused to talk about his “Pa” but after a few more Black & White milkshakes, I couldn’t get him to shut up about it! Apparently, Big Kim was a difficult man to please. Constantly seeking for his approval, Li’l Kim hid his cosplaying lifestyle from his father for nearly 15 years.

So what happened when he finally came clean? “He was so supportive,” said Kim, “and I was so relieved!”

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“I couldn’t run this country without Rosario. “

Now, Kim is busy running the world but his cosplay life “couldn’t be healthier.” He proudly runs the country with his “first Serpent,” Rosario Flame and cosplayers and non-players alike respect and accept his extrahuman counterpart.

“She’s NoKo’s Mascot now!”

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Kim refused to comment on the contents of the vat.

HEALTH

EASY-INSERT: Diane’s Illustrated Tampon Guide

So… you got your first tampon. First off, congratulations. This a huge deal and an important step on your journey towards womanhood. I know what you’re thinking, what is this thing? How does this work? IT GOES WHERE?

Take a deep breath, I’m here to help.

Step 1: Getting to Know You

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Just like how you wouldn’t want to have sex with a stranger, (I’m looking at you, Jessica) you shouldn’t house a tampon without getting to know her first. Take a few minutes to appreciate her simplistic design and natural beauty.

If you’ve never seen a tampon before, you may be surprised at how much there is know! Don’t be scared, I’ve provided an “easy-to-read” and informative diagram to help you out.

Step 2: Two Becoming One

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This step is EXTREMELY important. You may feel a little funny doing it but if you skip this step, your body may reject the tampon as a foreign object resulting in Toxic Shock Syndrome or even worse, death.

Gently shove the tip of the tampon into your nose so the cells on your nasal wall rub off onto it. Leave it in there for a couple moments, then remove. Make sure the ‘pon does not touch anything else before insertion.

Step 3: Nice and Slow

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Though they are great, insertables can be fussy. The number one thing that sets them off? Moving too quickly. So make sure you take your time with her. Remember, she’s doing you a favor and the least you can do is show some respect.

Get into a comfortable position. I prefer a split or the Diane Rump-Up (See Above) but others may just sit down on the toilet and hope for the best. At this point I have to remind you ladies to breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe. It’s all about to happen.

Step 4: It's Now or Never, Baby!

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Okay, I think you’re ready. Relax your shoulders and carefully introduce the tampon into her new home. It shouldn’t hurt but if it does, remove the tampon and repeatedly try to reinsert her for another 10-15 minutes. Make sure she lays parallel to the wall of your venus. If you’re like me, (and your uterus is shifted upside down and to the left) it can be difficult but if I can do it. So can you!

Let the strings dangle freely in the wind as you go on with your day/life. When it comes time for the tampon to get evicted, pull on the strings, dispose of the tenant and repeat steps 1-4.

So, there ya have it! If you have any other questions (‘Pon-related or otherwise!) don’t hesitate to contact me!

HEY YOU WANT FREE PONS?

WELL GET TO CLICKIN'

Kelly Clarkson ENTERTAINMENT

REVIEW: Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson

“Since U Been Gone”  has been deemed The Song of The Millennium by many reputable news sources, including SongChart, my brother Frank and Kelly Clarkson herself.

The song tells an interesting story of love through the lens of ultra-feminist Kelly Clarkson. Below is a photo of Kelly before she wrote the song.

So naïve and confused, giving into the pressures of society. The song was clearly a big deal for Clarkson. It tackles the issues of modern romance and Clarkson’s failed relationship with her former friend. So brave of her to come out with such a raw and vulnerable song. Making herself look so weak and pathetic. Get a grip, Kelly.

That said, she became a woman after the release of this single. She can breathe. Just look how much she changed.

Amazing.

What a difference a platinum single makes.

Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone”  : A-

SEXY SEX

What’s Next for the Vagina?

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The vagina has been up to A LOT lately and industry specialists are trying to predict what the vagina will be up to next. At such a crucial point in the vagina’s career, her next move could make or break her. People close to the vagina have remained hush-hush on the issue but this has only encouraged the media to make their own predictions.

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

Local scientists have been doing extensive vaginal research to try to make an educated hypothesis. “At this point, we haven’t come to a conclusive decision,” said Janet Britz of The New England Vaj Institute. “All we can say is the outcome of her choice could change the way we see and penetrate the world. All of us at the Vaj Institute are excited to see what happens.”

“We haven’t come to a conclusive decision…”

WHAT DOES FRANK SAY?

TMZ’s medical correspondent, Dr. Frank Fert forecasts she will transition to acting, as budding starlets have in the past but this is mere speculation as acting has never been the vagina’s area of expertise.*

 

*The vagina has refused to comment on this speculation.

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Sources tell LADYPARTS the vagina is keeping to herself but will comment on her future in the coming weeks.