You’re fat, you smell, and the last time a man touched you was when you were choking on that corn dog in the Costco food court. You’ve tried all the latest weight loss trends, weight watchers, crotch watchers,  hot yoga, drunk yoga, clown yoga, pizza squeezes, pilates, fart crunches, Jemmy Crayg, and nothing has worked!  Why pay a trainer thousands of dollars to make you sweat when God has created a super virus that will do all the work for you?!

Cat Rabies! Hollywood’s biggest weight loss secret has been revealed and only Ladyparts Magazine has the inside scoop.

Step 1: Contract the virus

Find an infected cat, the mangier the better. Luckily, due to the recent antivax movement there are rabies infested felines everywhere. On the bus, at church, in the handicapped bathroom at work, heck you might even have one in your litter box right now! Try to get it to bite your face because the face is connected to your brain and your brain is where all the blood in your body is stored.

Step 2: Sit Back And Relax

Congrats! The hardest part is over! Put your feet up, run a bubble bath and incubate. During this second stage, you’ll probably be running a fever, roaring, and excessively drooling.  What a perfect time to catch up on the latest season of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

Step 3: Furious Phase

Yikes! Picture PMS times 10! But with any effective weight loss plan, you’ve got to stick to the course if you want results. Expect a lot of irritability, aimless wandering, and painful swelling of the testicles.

Step 4: Paralytic Phase

During this time you’ll notice the classic “foaming of the mouth”. Maybe save those selfies for another day ladies, because you’re going to look like you just ate out the marshmallow man.  #selfie

Step 5: Results

The process is complete! If you haven’t fallen into a coma or died from respiratory failure, chances are you’re body will be banging (and not just from violent seizures!)  Some women have lost over 50 lbs and most of their teeth from this miracle program. Move over Karen Carpenter, there’s a new girl in town and it’s YOU.