BEAUTY & STYLE

Flab, Scabs and Tab: Fall’s Hottest Accessories

Get to know fall’s sexy new trio: Flab, Scabs and Tab.

Flab

If you got it, flaunt it! In some cultures curvy women are worshipped, but not ours!   Wear clothes that are a few sizes too small to really accentuate those hairy, juicy fat rolls.  And don’t even think about being caught dead this autumn without an ample amount of bra strap back fat.

Scabs

Is there anything better than a giant brown scab? If there is, I haven’t seen it.  The more the better. I’ve got 3 on my face and 6 on my butt right now!

Tab

You can wash your hair with it, douche with it, or even soak your feet in it to ease those painful ingrown toenails.  Grandma loves it!

Marie Colette
Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.
Tim Gunn BEAUTY & STYLE

Tim Gunn: No More Loafers for Ladies

Tim Gunn

It’s nice to cry sometimes, and ladies, nothing makes me sob like a pair of cankles in Minnetonka Moccasins! Ladies!

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Not even the thinnest ankles can achieve this look, don’t even try it! Leave loafers to men!

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Loafers are a sacred shoe, tainted by these knee-highs, simply horrifying. Loafers should be worn with a tasteful, delicate sock. Girls, buy a pair of uggs, loafers are for boys.

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Loafers on a dock? Are you a lunatic?! Don’t make me say it, leave it to men, in the man cave, where the men are.

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Simply revolting, loafers are meant to be bland, and almost always brown. Loafers are a boy’s club, no girls allowed!

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
Double trouble, I don’t know whether to throw up or remove my own legs with a chainsaw, simply disturbing… Ladies! Loafers are a man’s game, sit on the sidelines.

Tim Gunn

Ladies!
I rest my case.

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.
BEAUTY & STYLE

Culotte Fever: Catch the Virus! [GALLERY]

cu·lottes
ˈk(y)o͝oˌläts,k(y)o͞oˈläts/
 noun
women’s knee-length trousers, cut with very full legs to resemble a skirt.
 Surely you’ve seen these around Hollywood and thought, “the hell is that?!” Everyone from Jessica Alba to Late Night’s Jimmy Kimmel has been caught rocking this season’s hot trend: culottes.
Just last weekend we hosted the first ever LADYPARTS Culotte Gala and talk about a guest list!

Check out these exlusive pics from the LADYPARTS Culotte Gala!

Culottes are scientifically proven to hide your glumps and flatter your glutes so it’s no surprise that women, men and even our very own Dr. Fert “rock the ‘lottes” from time-to-time.

Incredible!

Did you catch the fever from this article?

Let us know: diane@ladypartsmag.com

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.
Divorcees HEALTH

10 Sensually Satisfying Pudding Hacks with @Lisa_Bizzle

Pudding Hacks

Since the invention of pudding in 1820, it has always been a staple in every household. Despite large scandals such as my friend Deb’s pudding wrestling mishap in 2003 and the recent revelation that the pudding pop king is a serial rapist, pudding has retained it’s place as a universally beloved mouth adventure.  Prepackaged store bought pudding comes brimming with nutritious ingredients like tetrasodium  pyrophosphate, disodium phosphate, and alkalimaltodextrin. These natural health wonders not only give pudding it’s delicious flavor but also make it one of the most versatile and eco-friendly lunch snacks you can use in your day to day life.

Here are 10 pudding hacks to improve your life and justify to your husband, Charles, why you bought 16 cases of chocolate pudding last weekend at Costco in the midst of a very emotional menstrual cycle.

Pudding Hacks

Fire Extinguisher

Nothing puts out a fire more quickly and easily than pudding. If your son Jaxon sets his sister Reybekkyah’s hair on fire, simply go to the pantry and grab 3 to 10 snack packs, open those puppies up and dump them atop the flames. Not only will you douse the fire but you all can all have a great laugh afterwards while enjoying a delectable pudding snack.

Pudding Hacks

Dark Arts

Many women dabble in the dark arts but are intimidated by how to find a coven. Use pudding to paint a cross above your bed to summon a spirit guide from the underworld who will lead you in the paths of the dark arts.

Pudding Hacks

Lube

Maybe you have a rusty door, a squeaky joint, or you are deeply repulsed by your long term lover’s disgusting body. Pudding is a great way to add much needed lubrication to pretty much anything.

Pudding Hacks

Spa Treatment

Tired and old looking? No need to waste money at one of those fancy spas, all you need is a crate of pudding, a towel, a spoon, 3 dried chickpeas, a Barry Manilow poster, and a ham sandwich. Pudding can be used as a face mask, foot mask, butt mask, and even a hair treatment.

Pudding Hacks

Rash

Does your husband have a recurring dick rash? Maybe your baby keeps getting those repulsive diaper rashes. Whatever the rashes that are taking over your household it’s time to say “Stop! Pudding time” in an MC Hammer voice. Apply pudding to any rash for instant relief and, in a bind, an instant snack.

Pudding Hacks

Clean your Toothbrush

Most of us have disgusting mouths brimming with a plethora of mysterious bacteria and viruses waiting to jump down into our gut flora and destroy what inner joy we have remaining. Keep those mouth devils away by cleaning your toothbrush with pudding.

Pudding Hacks

Toothpaste

Mix sand with your pudding to create an unbeatable toothpaste that no kid will turn down. Mint breath? No thank you, I’ll stick with pudding.

Pudding Hacks

Omelette

Add pudding to any omelette to give it that extra fluff you hear Gordon Ramsay talking about on the TV set.

Pudding Hacks

Shaving Cream

Sick and tired of buying expensive shaving cream for your thrice daily shaving habits? Substitute pudding for a shave that’s free from cuts but filled with deliciousness.

Pudding Hacks

Birth Control

Fill your vaginal cavity with pudding before sex to prevent unwanted babies and to give your lover an irresistibly sweet puddingy surprise.

Lisa Bizzle
Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.
HEALTH

Diane Ranks Her Top 5 Skin Conditions

We’ve all suffered from skin issues in our lives, but only a certain percentage of us will be privy to developing a chronic skin condition or a highly visible bacterial infection of the face. We sat down with magazine guru, Diane, who weighs in on up and coming skin conditions for Summer 2015.

1. Eczema – Characterized by inflamed and scaly spots on the skin, eczema is one of those skin conditions that keeps on giving. Most people begin experiencing outbreaks in childhood. “Eczema isn’t just for children anymore!” Diane raves, “Many people will experience their first outbreak in adulthood, I’ve even seen it on the eye. Eye-czema is what I call that. Because it’s on the eye.  Pretty clever right?” she adds.

2. Fungus – While fungus can grow just about anywhere and is largely treatable, many of today’s modern women are deciding to keep their fungus around. “My personal favorite is a good toe fungus” says Diane, while eating a churro with her fingers. Looks like nobody is going to be taking the “fun” out of fungus any time soon. Lol. I like to keep things light hearted on here.

3. Rosacea – Some people pay big money to add rouge to their cheeks. In fact, 60% of women spend over $8 a year on blush. Rosacea, a common skin disorder, is what Diane refers to as “nature’s dang blush”. Unlike the majority of us walking around with our stupid pale faces, those with Rosacea have a facial redness that makes you say “Oh, look, facial redness, that kind of looks like blush”.

4. Warts – You read it here first, Summer 2015 is all about warts. Big warts, small warts, hand warts, face warts, multiple wart communities, or a single wart standing alone, this is the summer of warts. “I have warts” croons Diane

5.  Impetigo – Impetigo is more than just a cool Italian sounding word- it’s a bacterial infection that causes crust covered blisters. It usually hangs out in noses and mouth areas, but don’t worry, your eyes are susceptible too. “I thought they were boogers” screams Diane “but they kept coming back”.

Whatever fun and flirty skin condition comes your way this summer, carry it with pride and be sure to let us know which one was your favorite. “I have rash cream” adds Diane.

Lisa Bizzle
Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.
Dennis "The Menace" Rodman HEALTH

Dennis “The Menace” Rodman: “I Fucked Mr. Wilson”

Dennis "The Menace" Rodman
I’ve had many lovers in my day; Madonna, Carmen Electra, Kim Jung Un, Randy Quaid, Scottie Pippen’s first two wives etc. But one stands out in my mind above all others. Memories so clear I can almost taste them…..taste him.
 One day I was driving down the street when I saw a boy with a slingshot shoot a rock through his neighbor’s window. Being the good samaritan I am, I went and knocked on the door to inform the homeowner. If there’s one thing that really gets my goat, it’s disrespect.

“I took off my denim cowboy hat, gave him a coy smile and asked if there was a Mrs. Wilson. I didn’t wait for an answer, I couldn’t…”

An older gentlemen answered the door and introduced himself as Mr. Wilson.  I told him what I had seen and he told me it had happened a million times before and that he hated that fucking kid. At first I found this man to be a bit unfriendly and quite cantankerous, but before I knew it, I was overwhelmed with a wave of carnal lust I had never known before. I don’t know if it was his crusty old moustache or his bulbous nose but I knew I had to have him and I had to have him now.

“He kissed me back and squeezed my athletic buns with a passion I hadn’t felt since my wedding night when I married myself…”

I took off my denim cowboy hat, gave him a coy smile and asked if there was a Mrs. Wilson. I didn’t wait for an answer, I couldn’t. As soon as he opened his mouth I shoved my tongue down his throat. He kissed me back and squeezed my athletic buns with a passion I hadn’t felt since my wedding night when I married myself. I ripped off his cardigan and he ripped off my feather boa. We made love right there on the davenport in his living room.
Dennis "The Menace" Rodman
When I awoke, he was gone, which was weird because it was his house. I showed myself to the door and drove home in a euphoric daze.
I never saw Mr. Wilson again, but years later I heard on the news that he had killed that neighbor boy with an axe. I’ll always cherish the time we spent together and I will never forget him as long as I live.  No amount of tattoos or hair dye could make me feel as beautiful as I did when I was with Mr. Wilson.
Marie Colette
Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.
Erogenous Zones BEAUTY & STYLE

Beyond the Shaft: How to Pleasure A Man’s 6…

Erogenous Zones

Since ancient humans began doing sex, the man’s shaft has been the focus of much of the focus of the lovemaking act’s focus, and with good reason. The shaft is easy to find, even easier to grab, and it is often the cleanest part of a man’s body. But many men tire of constant shaft-centric sex just as women tire of being a “shaft master.” Sure, it feels great to have your shaft rolled, flicked, and thurfed, but the amazing male body actually has 6 additional erogenous zones to explore, pleasure, and damage.

Now, you’re probably saying, “I’ve heard of Auto Zone, Wing Zone, and Degan’s Sports Zone, but what in the heck is the “Erogenous Zone?” What the heck are you talking about here? What? Please help me out. Would someone please explain this to me?” Don’t worry! I said the same thing the 1st, 2nd and 7rd time I heard that term. An “erogenous zone” is a “zone” on a man’s body which is “erogenous.”

1. HIS COCK HOLE
A man’s cock hole can be identified by its resemblance to a small, urine-dripping fish’s mouth which is frowning because the fish is sad and occasionally sneezes because the fish is sick. We all know that that you can put stuff in holes, so try putting stuff into the cock hole. The man might just like it! Use whatever you’ve got in your purse that was cheap.
Erogenous Zones

2. HIS BUTT CHEEKS
We’ve all heard about the wonderful hole that lies between a man’s cheeks (the butt hole), but what about the cheeks themselves? We’ve never heard about them. A man’s butt cheeks may be pleasured one at a time, but never simultaneously. No man wants his B cheeks over-pleasured.

Erogenous Zones

3. HIS SHAFT
Ok, ok, I said this article was about the erogenous zones besides the shaft, but let’s face it, everyone wants to get their shaft fucked. Just be sure to avoid any contact between your vagina and the penis head. Yuck! Shaft only, please.

Erogenous Zones

4. THE AREA INSIDE HIS BUTT
It’s a common misunderstanding that some guys don’t like getting rammed in their hole. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Every man loves having his hole hammered. The important thing is to allow him to prepare himself. Make a gentle farting sound with your mouth with an upward inflection as if the fart is asking a question. If the man is ready, he will confirm the curious fart sound with a gentle mouth fart of his own, which will sound like it is asking “butt hole?” The answer, of course, is yes.

Erogenous Zones

5. HIS TESTICLES
If you’ve ever stood behind a stallion while waiting in line for a concert, you’ve probably seen testicles. A man’s testicles can be found by slapping his penis shaft aside and quickly snatching up the strange pouch which lays below. This “coin purse” doesn’t actually contain any coins. Not yet anyway! Gently slice the scrotum open with something and open it up. Inside you will find what looks like big handful of rotten grapes. Now for the fun part: add quarters, nickels, heck, even dimes. Now that you’ve paid, you can take some of the grapes.

Erogenous Zones

6. HIS HANDS
Try shaking his hand! I’m not sure about other guys, but I personally jizz in my pants whenever I shake hands with a woman (and certain Hispanic men). There’s just something about meeting someone in a professional setting and politely shaking their hand that really gets the ol’ semen uncontrollably pouring out of my flaccid penis and into my work shorts. The same might be true in the bedroom! So the next time he’s in the mood, seductively push him down onto the bed, peel off your top, look him in the eyes, and shake his hand in a professional manner. Who knows, he may need to go “shorts shopping” before he goes to work the next day!

Erogenous Zones

After reading all of these tips, you have absolutely no excuse to leave your man unsatisfied by having boring-old penis shaft sex. A man’s body is a temple, and you should treat it exactly like you would treat an actual temple.

Jacy Catlin
Jacy Catlin is a nice man who lives in Wisconsin. Buy his wonderful t shirts at sprots.org.
cult BEAUTY & STYLE

5 Sizzling Hot Cult Looks for Summer

Cult fashion is in.  Here is our breakdown for summer’s trendy new look.

cult
1. FLORALS! If you’ve never had the nerve to break into florals, grab some sisters and make a it a fun  group thing. Florals are traditional for a reason – in fact, you could call them one of the FUNDAMENTALS of a summer wardrobe. They’ll have you saying: “Um, yes I’d like some more-men, please!”
cult

2. BOLD HUES! Cast out that doom with some fresh bright colours. No need to hide in a wall, let the world know you’re coming out! Katy Perry has nothing on you, bitch. A nice pantsuit can be VERY forgiving for those winter depression munchies. With this style, you look can like the eastern mystic you know you truly are on the inside. Bonus: all your yoga buddies will be jealous! Ommm …

cult

3. This is the epitome of long hair, don’t care! From Topanga Canyon to Topanga Lawrence, pull out your pinterest, because this look is here to stay. Get this quintessential California girl style effortlessly by skipping shampoo several weeks at a time, or sleep with a pillowcase over your head, we won’t tell!

cult

4. WHITE! Raise your hands for this one, ladies, long white dresses aren’t just for bridal gowns anymore. Control some minds into thinking: “Who’s that girl!” There’s a reason we all get our periods when the moon is full – no one can resist that giant white ho! If you are looking for something fun and flirty that screams “I can commune with the dead whenever I choose!” Pair with gloves to make your special guy want to marry you in a stadium.

5. PEARLS! Elegant. Sophisticated. For centuries pearls have been thought of as a piece of sand that is massaged by the soft tissues of a mollusk. While we may never know if that’s true (sounds pretty far-fetched to us!), what we do know is they can elevate your brand higher than that horse you fell off. (Psst: try shaking things up with a headband – that can also mask any pesky head injuries!)

Pascalle Dugay
Pascalle Dugay lives and worships in Brooklyn.
Cat Rabies HEALTH

Cat Rabies: The New Hot Yoga!

You’re fat, you smell, and the last time a man touched you was when you were choking on that corn dog in the Costco food court. You’ve tried all the latest weight loss trends, weight watchers, crotch watchers,  hot yoga, drunk yoga, clown yoga, pizza squeezes, pilates, fart crunches, Jemmy Crayg, and nothing has worked!  Why pay a trainer thousands of dollars to make you sweat when God has created a super virus that will do all the work for you?!

Cat Rabies! Hollywood’s biggest weight loss secret has been revealed and only Ladyparts Magazine has the inside scoop.

Step 1: Contract the virus

Find an infected cat, the mangier the better. Luckily, due to the recent antivax movement there are rabies infested felines everywhere. On the bus, at church, in the handicapped bathroom at work, heck you might even have one in your litter box right now! Try to get it to bite your face because the face is connected to your brain and your brain is where all the blood in your body is stored.

Cat Rabies

Step 2: Sit Back And Relax

Congrats! The hardest part is over! Put your feet up, run a bubble bath and incubate. During this second stage, you’ll probably be running a fever, roaring, and excessively drooling.  What a perfect time to catch up on the latest season of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

Cat Rabies

Step 3: Furious Phase

Yikes! Picture PMS times 10! But with any effective weight loss plan, you’ve got to stick to the course if you want results. Expect a lot of irritability, aimless wandering, and painful swelling of the testicles.

Cat Rabies

Step 4: Paralytic Phase

During this time you’ll notice the classic “foaming of the mouth”. Maybe save those selfies for another day ladies, because you’re going to look like you just ate out the marshmallow man.  #selfie

Cat Rabies

Step 5: Results

The process is complete! If you haven’t fallen into a coma or died from respiratory failure, chances are you’re body will be banging (and not just from violent seizures!)  Some women have lost over 50 lbs and most of their teeth from this miracle program. Move over Karen Carpenter, there’s a new girl in town and it’s YOU.

Cat Rabies
Marie Colette
Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.