Since the invention of pudding in 1820, it has always been a staple in every household. Despite large scandals such as my friend Deb’s pudding wrestling mishap in 2003 and the recent revelation that the pudding pop king is a serial rapist, pudding has retained it’s place as a universally beloved mouth adventure.  Prepackaged store bought pudding comes brimming with nutritious ingredients like tetrasodium  pyrophosphate, disodium phosphate, and alkalimaltodextrin. These natural health wonders not only give pudding it’s delicious flavor but also make it one of the most versatile and eco-friendly lunch snacks you can use in your day to day life.

Here are 10 pudding hacks to improve your life and justify to your husband, Charles, why you bought 16 cases of chocolate pudding last weekend at Costco in the midst of a very emotional menstrual cycle.

Fire Extinguisher

Nothing puts out a fire more quickly and easily than pudding. If your son Jaxon sets his sister Reybekkyah’s hair on fire, simply go to the pantry and grab 3 to 10 snack packs, open those puppies up and dump them atop the flames. Not only will you douse the fire but you all can all have a great laugh afterwards while enjoying a delectable pudding snack.

Dark Arts

Many women dabble in the dark arts but are intimidated by how to find a coven. Use pudding to paint a cross above your bed to summon a spirit guide from the underworld who will lead you in the paths of the dark arts.

Lube

Maybe you have a rusty door, a squeaky joint, or you are deeply repulsed by your long term lover’s disgusting body. Pudding is a great way to add much needed lubrication to pretty much anything.

Spa Treatment

Tired and old looking? No need to waste money at one of those fancy spas, all you need is a crate of pudding, a towel, a spoon, 3 dried chickpeas, a Barry Manilow poster, and a ham sandwich. Pudding can be used as a face mask, foot mask, butt mask, and even a hair treatment.

Rash

Does your husband have a recurring dick rash? Maybe your baby keeps getting those repulsive diaper rashes. Whatever the rashes that are taking over your household it’s time to say “Stop! Pudding time” in an MC Hammer voice. Apply pudding to any rash for instant relief and, in a bind, an instant snack.

Clean your Toothbrush

Most of us have disgusting mouths brimming with a plethora of mysterious bacteria and viruses waiting to jump down into our gut flora and destroy what inner joy we have remaining. Keep those mouth devils away by cleaning your toothbrush with pudding.

Toothpaste

Mix sand with your pudding to create an unbeatable toothpaste that no kid will turn down. Mint breath? No thank you, I’ll stick with pudding.

Omelette

Add pudding to any omelette to give it that extra fluff you hear Gordon Ramsay talking about on the TV set.

Shaving Cream

Sick and tired of buying expensive shaving cream for your thrice daily shaving habits? Substitute pudding for a shave that’s free from cuts but filled with deliciousness.

Birth Control

Fill your vaginal cavity with pudding before sex to prevent unwanted babies and to give your lover an irresistibly sweet puddingy surprise.

We’ve all suffered from skin issues in our lives, but only a certain percentage of us will be privy to developing a chronic skin condition or a highly visible bacterial infection of the face. We sat down with magazine guru, Diane, who weighs in on up and coming skin conditions for Summer 2015.

2. Fungus – While fungus can grow just about anywhere and is largely treatable, many of today’s modern women are deciding to keep their fungus around. “My personal favorite is a good toe fungus” says Diane, while eating a churro with her fingers. Looks like nobody is going to be taking the “fun” out of fungus any time soon. Lol. I like to keep things light hearted on here.

3. Rosacea – Some people pay big money to add rouge to their cheeks. In fact, 60% of women spend over $8 a year on blush. Rosacea, a common skin disorder, is what Diane refers to as “nature’s dang blush”. Unlike the majority of us walking around with our stupid pale faces, those with Rosacea have a facial redness that makes you say “Oh, look, facial redness, that kind of looks like blush”.

4. Warts – You read it here first, Summer 2015 is all about warts. Big warts, small warts, hand warts, face warts, multiple wart communities, or a single wart standing alone, this is the summer of warts. “I have warts” croons Diane

5.  Impetigo – Impetigo is more than just a cool Italian sounding word- it’s a bacterial infection that causes crust covered blisters. It usually hangs out in noses and mouth areas, but don’t worry, your eyes are susceptible too. “I thought they were boogers” screams Diane “but they kept coming back”.

Whatever fun and flirty skin condition comes your way this summer, carry it with pride and be sure to let us know which one was your favorite. “I have rash cream” adds Diane.

“I took off my denim cowboy hat, gave him a coy smile and asked if there was a Mrs. Wilson. I didn’t wait for an answer, I couldn’t…”

An older gentlemen answered the door and introduced himself as Mr. Wilson.  I told him what I had seen and he told me it had happened a million times before and that he hated that fucking kid. At first I found this man to be a bit unfriendly and quite cantankerous, but before I knew it, I was overwhelmed with a wave of carnal lust I had never known before. I don’t know if it was his crusty old moustache or his bulbous nose but I knew I had to have him and I had to have him now.

“He kissed me back and squeezed my athletic buns with a passion I hadn’t felt since my wedding night when I married myself…”

You’re fat, you smell, and the last time a man touched you was when you were choking on that corn dog in the Costco food court. You’ve tried all the latest weight loss trends, weight watchers, crotch watchers,  hot yoga, drunk yoga, clown yoga, pizza squeezes, pilates, fart crunches, Jemmy Crayg, and nothing has worked!  Why pay a trainer thousands of dollars to make you sweat when God has created a super virus that will do all the work for you?!

Cat Rabies! Hollywood’s biggest weight loss secret has been revealed and only Ladyparts Magazine has the inside scoop.

Step 1: Contract the virus

Find an infected cat, the mangier the better. Luckily, due to the recent antivax movement there are rabies infested felines everywhere. On the bus, at church, in the handicapped bathroom at work, heck you might even have one in your litter box right now! Try to get it to bite your face because the face is connected to your brain and your brain is where all the blood in your body is stored.

Step 2: Sit Back And Relax

Congrats! The hardest part is over! Put your feet up, run a bubble bath and incubate. During this second stage, you’ll probably be running a fever, roaring, and excessively drooling.  What a perfect time to catch up on the latest season of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

Step 3: Furious Phase

Yikes! Picture PMS times 10! But with any effective weight loss plan, you’ve got to stick to the course if you want results. Expect a lot of irritability, aimless wandering, and painful swelling of the testicles.

Step 4: Paralytic Phase

During this time you’ll notice the classic “foaming of the mouth”. Maybe save those selfies for another day ladies, because you’re going to look like you just ate out the marshmallow man.  #selfie

Step 5: Results

The process is complete! If you haven’t fallen into a coma or died from respiratory failure, chances are you’re body will be banging (and not just from violent seizures!)  Some women have lost over 50 lbs and most of their teeth from this miracle program. Move over Karen Carpenter, there’s a new girl in town and it’s YOU.

Ever wonder if you might me a Mennonite? Check out these symptoms:

You fold clothing in the hot sun for hours

You have four sons that braid their beards together

You park your horse like a car because that’s what makes this country great

Your horse eats at the table like family

Your cousin is your sister’s dog

You ate a dog on a dare

Uncircumcised

From Pineapple to Pear: Diane’s New Look

“My girlfriend Caryl couldn’t stop boasting about her weight loss after one round of Hilary Duff’s Organic Colonics. “

After two messy sessions, Diane dropped from a Kohl’s size 16 to a cool 12! She needed a new wardrobe to match!

“I brought my entire schlumpy yet sophisticated wardrobe to The Fashion Bandit studios so Jean and Culi could tear me a new one! “

Yeesh! Jean and Culi had their work cut out for them. The sorting process took the boys over 14 hours.

“I couldn’t believe how much they were throwing away. They even tossed my dog sandals.”

Filming had to be paused due a lice outbreak after Diane’s clothing sort. Jean reportedly stated “I’ve never smelled a wardrobe with my eyes until now!”

“Noodles ate a marble off the ground at Dairy Queen! Only in New York! :)”

After one last break in filming, Jean and Culi were more than ready to get this show on the road.

“The bandits took me to Small & Wide. With my Bandit Budget of 1,000 clams, I was ready to shop. “

And so many little cuties to choose from! After a rousing shop-fest, Diane was ready for the next event: the makeover (and a sugar-free lemonade from Coffee Bean!)

“The makeover was a hoot. They updated me from a Season 3 Chandler to a Season 7 Monica and I couldn’t be happier.”

Jean and Culi were so excited for Diane to show her new sexy look to all of her supporters and friends.

“Only Caryl showed up but I’m thankful for the ones I got!”

Another Fashion Bandit miracle.

(8:30 PM/7:30 C only on The Hallmark Channel)

Day 1

7:45 AM: Took Noodles out for a poop. -5 Cal

9:20 AM: Handful of Almond-Craisin Crunch. +220 Cal

10:00 AM: Brushes teeth in the shower. -20 Cal (+20 cent savings in water)

11:15 AM: Took Noodles to the vet after she swallowed a lawn marble. +150 Stress Cal

12:00 PM: Taquito from 7-11. +365 Cal

12:45 PM: 2 Packs of Chocolate Dingers. +320 Cal

2:25 PM: Afternoon stress vomit -40 Cal

4:15 PM: Fell down the stairs. -100 Cal

5:00 PM: Picked up medical marijuana prescription for stress diarrhea. -120 Cal

6:15 PM: Had stress diarrhea. -45 Cal

7:30 PM: Met the girls at Applebee’s for an evening of fun. -20 Sweat Cal

8:00 PM: Ordered the seasonal pomegranate lime Coronarita (twice!). + 800 Cal

8:15 PM: Smooched waiter. -20 Sweat Cal

8:30 PM: Ate Habenero Ranchero Mexican Ranch Chicken Tenders (Only $14.99!)  + 1500 Cal

9:15 PM: Quick pitstop at Del Taco. Ordered Volcano Nachos for Noodles and Bruce, Ordered myself a Coronarita Taco. +350 Cal

10:30 PM: Stopped at local liquor to flirt with Brendan Lazzaro. –90 Sweat Cal

11:15 PM: Drunk drove home. -80 Stress Cal

12:00 AM: Smooched Noodles. –20 Cal

12:10 AM: Sparked up a doobie to induce stress diarrhea. -310 cal

12:30 AM: Used my toy. 🙂 -98 Cal (+400 Big O’s! HAHA)

12:45 AM: Hit the hay.

Calories Consumed: 2,905

Calories Burned: 968

Net Calories: 1,937

Not Bad 😀

I frequented my local jjimjilbang, or Korean Unisex Spa, in a partially abandoned suburban shopping mall, and all I got was a rented t-shirt and shorts set that makes me look like a ten pound bag of onions in a five pound sack of pantyhose! What’s a girl to do?

Safety First! Korean Spa is a strictly no-butterflies zone. When someone is about to touch your face, the last thing you want is gentle kisses from the breeze of ephemeral wings! Get out of here, butterfly! This is my time.

BYOF: You do NOT want to get caught in Korean Spa without your flower! Flower gangs wage sauna turf wars for most the exotic bloom, and you need to decide now, before its too late: Tropical Orchid or Water Lily.

Thought it was extreme to masticate half an avocado, spit it back into the shell and rub it into your face? Most Korean Spas have a dining hall where chewing and dabbing is not only allowed, it’s encouraged.

You have to ask for this treatment specifically, but most Korean spa establishments will paint a perfect representation of the lonely void that is your private life right onto your hairless jawline. Remember to tip for all services.

Speaking of tips, I hid a fifty dollar bill in here last week.

Yoon refused to let me reheat my baked egg in her sauna microwave and then she laughed at me and so did Sun-Hi but its okay, really. No hard feelings.

Here’s my wife, treating herself to the pure indulgence of being massaged with 100% pure cartoon frog elbows.

Experience the pore-tightening effects of time travel in the Jewel Sauna. Or don’t, its your life. Make up your mind before entering this steaming hot room of intrigue, though, because wherever you go, you’re going to end up there without underpants.

It took 12 hours of nonstop begging and outright bribery, but I finally found someone to rip my head right off. SO relaxing. See you on the other side!

Kegels were all the rage in 1993. Kegels and David Koresh. Check out these hot new ways to beef up your dong hole in 2015.

Ms. Universe

Say goodbye to pelvic organ prolapse and hello to tight sexy fun-flaps! Chug a gallon of Muscle Milk and then piss it out as hard as you can into a bucket.

Chatterbox

Remember those fun wind-up chatter teeth? Insert a pair into your V- zone and practice chomping down some corn on the cob. Careful not to bite your lip!

CrossClit

Masturbate with a crucifix ala “The Exorcist”. Your man will be thanking the lord he’s not into guys anymore.

Candle in the Wind

Light a candle and practice queefing it out. Be the quaaludes/car crash to Marilyn/Diana and extinguish that beautiful flame far before it’s time. RIP Elton John.

Yuk it Up!

Did you know that laughing actually helps strengthen vaginal muscles? Watch an episode of your creepy cousin’s favorite show, The Big Bang Theory, and chuckle your way to a perfectly taut twat. VAZINGA!