HEALTH

EASY-INSERT: Diane’s Illustrated Tampon Guide

So… you got your first tampon. First off, congratulations. This a huge deal and an important step on your journey towards womanhood. I know what you’re thinking, what is this thing? How does this work? IT GOES WHERE?

Take a deep breath, I’m here to help.

Step 1: Getting to Know You

tamp

Just like how you wouldn’t want to have sex with a stranger, (I’m looking at you, Jessica) you shouldn’t house a tampon without getting to know her first. Take a few minutes to appreciate her simplistic design and natural beauty.

If you’ve never seen a tampon before, you may be surprised at how much there is know! Don’t be scared, I’ve provided an “easy-to-read” and informative diagram to help you out.

Step 2: Two Becoming One

nose

This step is EXTREMELY important. You may feel a little funny doing it but if you skip this step, your body may reject the tampon as a foreign object resulting in Toxic Shock Syndrome or even worse, death.

Gently shove the tip of the tampon into your nose so the cells on your nasal wall rub off onto it. Leave it in there for a couple moments, then remove. Make sure the ‘pon does not touch anything else before insertion.

Step 3: Nice and Slow

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Though they are great, insertables can be fussy. The number one thing that sets them off? Moving too quickly. So make sure you take your time with her. Remember, she’s doing you a favor and the least you can do is show some respect.

Get into a comfortable position. I prefer a split or the Diane Rump-Up (See Above) but others may just sit down on the toilet and hope for the best. At this point I have to remind you ladies to breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe. It’s all about to happen.

Step 4: It's Now or Never, Baby!

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Okay, I think you’re ready. Relax your shoulders and carefully introduce the tampon into her new home. It shouldn’t hurt but if it does, remove the tampon and repeatedly try to reinsert her for another 10-15 minutes. Make sure she lays parallel to the wall of your venus. If you’re like me, (and your uterus is shifted upside down and to the left) it can be difficult but if I can do it. So can you!

Let the strings dangle freely in the wind as you go on with your day/life. When it comes time for the tampon to get evicted, pull on the strings, dispose of the tenant and repeat steps 1-4.

So, there ya have it! If you have any other questions (‘Pon-related or otherwise!) don’t hesitate to contact me!

HEY YOU WANT FREE PONS?

WELL GET TO CLICKIN'

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Windex HEALTH

My Strange Addiction: Windexing My Taint

Windex

I first discovered my taint when I was 13. My childhood friend Denise and I were playing “inner thigh tickle” in the back yard when a well time sneezed caused her hand to slip up into the delicate region “between the holes”. At first we were both surprised, as any other exploration of this manner would have usually resulted in her hand going into one of my 3 holes, but not this time! I can’t really describe the experience of my first taint tickle as erotic, but it was certainly special.

From that initial experience with taint touching, an obsession grew. I began by merely tapping it while on the bench during badminton practice. Within a few months I was spending hours staring at in in the mirror, coating it in lipstick, and exposing it to people on the bus. I didn’t know the name of this body part, all I knew was the joy it brought me. By 14 I had cut holes in the taint section of all my panties and was exploring my taint up to 18 hours a day.  It was around this time I learned the name of this sacred body part in math class. The classroom was quiet as we were all hunched over our math problems. As per usual, I was gently poking at my taint with a pencil. Then, through the silence, a shrill voice yelled “Taint Toucher” from the back of the room. A few children giggled and again he yelled “Taint Toucher”. I looked around, wondering where this taint was and who was touching it. Then I saw his finger, pointed in my direction.  The class erupted in laughter and I looked down to the pencil pressed against my flesh, pressed against my taint? I turned back to my math problems, slightly embarrassed by the laughter, but very excited to finally have an anatomical term for my favorite body part.

“‘Taint’ I repeated under my breath, I loved the way it rolled off my tongue… Taint…”

You see, like most young girls, nobody had formally taught me about taints. In fact, research says that 68% of women under the age of 25 aren’t sure if they have a taint. Even in New Jersey, where the vast majority of women have multiple taints, there is still no curriculum that teaches little girls about this body part. With my newfound knowledge, I went to the library and began to research the taint. Quickly, the librarian guided me to the book “Jerry’s Tiny Taint”. It was about a young boy’s struggle with his tiny taint in a family of abnormally large taints. As my knowledge of taints expanded, the obsession with my own grew exponentially. By the end of high school I was known universally as “Taint Toucher” and actually won the award for “Most Likely to Touch Taints”.

After High School I moved away to college and many assumed this obsession with my taint would subside. In fact, for the first year it almost did. I briefly became a vegan witch, donated a kidney to the dark arts, and built an owl sanctuary with a group of homeless women named Lydia.

“Quickly, the librarian guided me to the book ‘Jerry’s Tiny Taint'”

That’s when I met Igor, the Russian janitor at the college. While he was about 40 years older than me, covered in psoriasis, and didn’t speak English, I found myself extremely attracted to him. One day I saw him cleaning the windows in an empty classroom. I watched as his coveralls danced over his fleshy soft curves as the sunlight caught the rugged peeling flesh of his multiple skin conditions.

I was unable to contain myself. I ran into the classroom, closed the door, and grabbed him. As I moved my lips into his I felt a splash. Igor had dropped the Windex bottle and the impact had caused the entire thing to explode over my Jordache jeans. “No lady” Igor cried “stop” he continued. I pushed my frame towards his and pressed his frail soft body against the window. I grabbed his head between my hands and once again moved in for a kiss, “lady, no” Igor bellowed as my lips pressed against his. The sexual tension between us sent a wave of ecstasy through my body. Overcome with passion, I unlocked my embrace from Igor and ran back out the door. As I sprinted back to my dorm room, the scent of the Windex clung to me as vividly as the feeling of his scaly confused lips.

Windex

Igor left the college and went to work at a keilbasa stand shortly after the incident. Although our affair could not continue, I replayed the sexy memory of Igor over and over again. At first I would just spray some Windex in the room or on my clothing, which was enough to stimulate the memories and pleasure of the encounter. Nothing could prepare me for the intensity of my first taint Windex-ing. As I sprayed the blue liquid on the taint and began to rub circular motions with a microfiber cloth, I remember feeling like nothing else in the world mattered. For me, it felt like the very thing I had been seeking my whole life, as if the empty void was suddenly filled. People have scolded me, saying “stop Windexing your taint, this is my uncle Gerald’s funeral” but as far as I’m concerned, if you invited me, you also invited my Windex and my taint.

Lisa Bizzle

Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.

Libra HEALTH

LADYPARTS EXCLUSIVE: Inside the Libra Quarantine

Ladyparts Exclusive

In a major coup for the military-astrological complex and a move labeled “super annoying” by those born from September 23 to October 23, President Obama’s Libra Quarantine will begin initial operations in preparation for a Fall 2015 rollout.

“We as Americans are no longer going to wait for Libra to figure it the fuck out already.”

Outlined in his 2015 State of the Union Address, Obama noted that, since the Sephora Riots of 2009, most Americans have “had it up to here” with Libra “bullshit” and, with the support of House Taureans and the Senate Assembly of a Capricorn Moon, it is now time to “just get it out of our system, you know?”

Libra

Just back up for a minute and take stock.” As part of the quarantine, recently broken-up-with Librans will no longer be able to text you leading messages, and starting September 2015, victims falling under the sign of the scales will be left to “actually make a decision for once, like a real person.”

Lexie Mountain

Lexie Mountain is almost six feet tall and likes bugs. Her not very good website is located at lexiemountain.com.