Mennonite HEALTH

You Know You’re A Mennonite When…

Mennonite

Ever wonder if you might me a Mennonite? Check out these symptoms:

You fold clothing in the hot sun for hours

Mennonite

You have four sons that braid their beards together

Mennonite

You park your horse like a car because that’s what makes this country great

Mennonite

Your horse eats at the table like family

Mennonite

Your cousin is your sister’s dog

Mennonite

You ate a dog on a dare

Mennonite

Uncircumcised

Mennonite

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

New Look HEALTH

From Pineapple to Pear: Diane’s New Look

New Look

From Pineapple to Pear: Diane’s New Look

“My girlfriend Caryl couldn’t stop boasting about her weight loss after one round of Hilary Duff’s Organic Colonics. “

After two messy sessions, Diane dropped from a Kohl’s size 16 to a cool 12! She needed a new wardrobe to match!

New Look

“I brought my entire schlumpy yet sophisticated wardrobe to The Fashion Bandit studios so Jean and Culi could tear me a new one! “

Yeesh! Jean and Culi had their work cut out for them. The sorting process took the boys over 14 hours.

New Look

“I couldn’t believe how much they were throwing away. They even tossed my dog sandals.”

Filming had to be paused due a lice outbreak after Diane’s clothing sort. Jean reportedly stated “I’ve never smelled a wardrobe with my eyes until now!”

New Look

“Noodles ate a marble off the ground at Dairy Queen! Only in New York! :)”

After one last break in filming, Jean and Culi were more than ready to get this show on the road.

New Look

“The bandits took me to Small & Wide. With my Bandit Budget of 1,000 clams, I was ready to shop. “

And so many little cuties to choose from! After a rousing shop-fest, Diane was ready for the next event: the makeover (and a sugar-free lemonade from Coffee Bean!)

mc

“The makeover was a hoot. They updated me from a Season 3 Chandler to a Season 7 Monica and I couldn’t be happier.”

Jean and Culi were so excited for Diane to show her new sexy look to all of her supporters and friends.

New Look

“Only Caryl showed up but I’m thankful for the ones I got!”

Another Fashion Bandit miracle.

(8:30 PM/7:30 C only on The Hallmark Channel)

bandit
Diane

Single, 5’4, with JUNK in the TRUNK!! LOL!!!

HEALTH

Diane’s Weight Loss Diary – Day 1

Day 1

Taquitos with Bruce!

7:45 AM: Took Noodles out for a poop. -5 Cal

9:20 AM: Handful of Almond-Craisin Crunch. +220 Cal

10:00 AM: Brushes teeth in the shower. -20 Cal (+20 cent savings in water)

11:15 AM: Took Noodles to the vet after she swallowed a lawn marble. +150 Stress Cal

12:00 PM: Taquito from 7-11. +365 Cal

12:45 PM: 2 Packs of Chocolate Dingers. +320 Cal

2:25 PM: Afternoon stress vomit -40 Cal

4:15 PM: Fell down the stairs. -100 Cal

5:00 PM: Picked up medical marijuana prescription for stress diarrhea. -120 Cal

6:15 PM: Had stress diarrhea. -45 Cal

stairs
co

7:30 PM: Met the girls at Applebee’s for an evening of fun. -20 Sweat Cal

8:00 PM: Ordered the seasonal pomegranate lime Coronarita (twice!). + 800 Cal

8:15 PM: Smooched waiter. -20 Sweat Cal

8:30 PM: Ate Habenero Ranchero Mexican Ranch Chicken Tenders (Only $14.99!)  + 1500 Cal

9:15 PM: Quick pitstop at Del Taco. Ordered Volcano Nachos for Noodles and Bruce, Ordered myself a Coronarita Taco. +350 Cal

10:30 PM: Stopped at local liquor to flirt with Brendan Lazzaro. –90 Sweat Cal

11:15 PM: Drunk drove home. -80 Stress Cal

12:00 AM: Smooched Noodles. –20 Cal

12:10 AM: Sparked up a doobie to induce stress diarrhea. -310 cal

12:30 AM: Used my toy. 🙂 -98 Cal (+400 Big O’s! HAHA)

12:45 AM: Hit the hay.

noodle

Calories Consumed: 2,905

Calories Burned: 968

Net Calories: 1,937

Not Bad 😀

Diane

Single, 5’4, with JUNK in the TRUNK!! LOL!!!

Korean Spa HEALTH

Korean Spa Confessions

Korean Spa

I frequented my local jjimjilbang, or Korean Unisex Spa, in a partially abandoned suburban shopping mall, and all I got was a rented t-shirt and shorts set that makes me look like a ten pound bag of onions in a five pound sack of pantyhose! What’s a girl to do?

Korean Spa

Safety First! Korean Spa is a strictly no-butterflies zone. When someone is about to touch your face, the last thing you want is gentle kisses from the breeze of ephemeral wings! Get out of here, butterfly! This is my time.

Korean Spa

BYOF: You do NOT want to get caught in Korean Spa without your flower! Flower gangs wage sauna turf wars for most the exotic bloom, and you need to decide now, before its too late: Tropical Orchid or Water Lily.

Korean Spa

Thought it was extreme to masticate half an avocado, spit it back into the shell and rub it into your face? Most Korean Spas have a dining hall where chewing and dabbing is not only allowed, it’s encouraged.

Korean Spa

You have to ask for this treatment specifically, but most Korean spa establishments will paint a perfect representation of the lonely void that is your private life right onto your hairless jawline. Remember to tip for all services.

Korean Spa

Speaking of tips, I hid a fifty dollar bill in here last week.

Korean Spa

Yoon refused to let me reheat my baked egg in her sauna microwave and then she laughed at me and so did Sun-Hi but its okay, really. No hard feelings.

Korean Spa

Here’s my wife, treating herself to the pure indulgence of being massaged with 100% pure cartoon frog elbows.

Korean Spa

Experience the pore-tightening effects of time travel in the Jewel Sauna. Or don’t, its your life. Make up your mind before entering this steaming hot room of intrigue, though, because wherever you go, you’re going to end up there without underpants.

Korean Spa

It took 12 hours of nonstop begging and outright bribery, but I finally found someone to rip my head right off. SO relaxing. See you on the other side!

Lexie Mountain

Lexie Mountain is almost six feet tall and likes bugs. Her not very good website is located at lexiemountain.com.

Kegels HEALTH

Kegels Schmegels: Try These 5 New Dangerous Pussy Exercises

Kegels

Kegels were all the rage in 1993. Kegels and David Koresh. Check out these hot new ways to beef up your dong hole in 2015.

Ms. Universe

Say goodbye to pelvic organ prolapse and hello to tight sexy fun-flaps! Chug a gallon of Muscle Milk and then piss it out as hard as you can into a bucket.

Kegels

Chatterbox

Remember those fun wind-up chatter teeth? Insert a pair into your V- zone and practice chomping down some corn on the cob. Careful not to bite your lip!

Kegels

CrossClit

Masturbate with a crucifix ala “The Exorcist”. Your man will be thanking the lord he’s not into guys anymore.

Kegels

Candle in the Wind

Light a candle and practice queefing it out. Be the quaaludes/car crash to Marilyn/Diana and extinguish that beautiful flame far before it’s time. RIP Elton John.

Kegels

Yuk it Up!

Did you know that laughing actually helps strengthen vaginal muscles? Watch an episode of your creepy cousin’s favorite show, The Big Bang Theory, and chuckle your way to a perfectly taut twat. VAZINGA!

Kegels
Marie Colette

Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.

HEALTH

EASY-INSERT: Diane’s Illustrated Tampon Guide

So… you got your first tampon. First off, congratulations. This a huge deal and an important step on your journey towards womanhood. I know what you’re thinking, what is this thing? How does this work? IT GOES WHERE?

Take a deep breath, I’m here to help.

Step 1: Getting to Know You

tamp

Just like how you wouldn’t want to have sex with a stranger, (I’m looking at you, Jessica) you shouldn’t house a tampon without getting to know her first. Take a few minutes to appreciate her simplistic design and natural beauty.

If you’ve never seen a tampon before, you may be surprised at how much there is know! Don’t be scared, I’ve provided an “easy-to-read” and informative diagram to help you out.

Step 2: Two Becoming One

nose

This step is EXTREMELY important. You may feel a little funny doing it but if you skip this step, your body may reject the tampon as a foreign object resulting in Toxic Shock Syndrome or even worse, death.

Gently shove the tip of the tampon into your nose so the cells on your nasal wall rub off onto it. Leave it in there for a couple moments, then remove. Make sure the ‘pon does not touch anything else before insertion.

Step 3: Nice and Slow

marjorie1-950x1064

Though they are great, insertables can be fussy. The number one thing that sets them off? Moving too quickly. So make sure you take your time with her. Remember, she’s doing you a favor and the least you can do is show some respect.

Get into a comfortable position. I prefer a split or the Diane Rump-Up (See Above) but others may just sit down on the toilet and hope for the best. At this point I have to remind you ladies to breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe. It’s all about to happen.

Step 4: It's Now or Never, Baby!

house

Okay, I think you’re ready. Relax your shoulders and carefully introduce the tampon into her new home. It shouldn’t hurt but if it does, remove the tampon and repeatedly try to reinsert her for another 10-15 minutes. Make sure she lays parallel to the wall of your venus. If you’re like me, (and your uterus is shifted upside down and to the left) it can be difficult but if I can do it. So can you!

Let the strings dangle freely in the wind as you go on with your day/life. When it comes time for the tampon to get evicted, pull on the strings, dispose of the tenant and repeat steps 1-4.

So, there ya have it! If you have any other questions (‘Pon-related or otherwise!) don’t hesitate to contact me!

HEY YOU WANT FREE PONS?

WELL GET TO CLICKIN'

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Windex HEALTH

My Strange Addiction: Windexing My Taint

Windex

I first discovered my taint when I was 13. My childhood friend Denise and I were playing “inner thigh tickle” in the back yard when a well time sneezed caused her hand to slip up into the delicate region “between the holes”. At first we were both surprised, as any other exploration of this manner would have usually resulted in her hand going into one of my 3 holes, but not this time! I can’t really describe the experience of my first taint tickle as erotic, but it was certainly special.

From that initial experience with taint touching, an obsession grew. I began by merely tapping it while on the bench during badminton practice. Within a few months I was spending hours staring at in in the mirror, coating it in lipstick, and exposing it to people on the bus. I didn’t know the name of this body part, all I knew was the joy it brought me. By 14 I had cut holes in the taint section of all my panties and was exploring my taint up to 18 hours a day.  It was around this time I learned the name of this sacred body part in math class. The classroom was quiet as we were all hunched over our math problems. As per usual, I was gently poking at my taint with a pencil. Then, through the silence, a shrill voice yelled “Taint Toucher” from the back of the room. A few children giggled and again he yelled “Taint Toucher”. I looked around, wondering where this taint was and who was touching it. Then I saw his finger, pointed in my direction.  The class erupted in laughter and I looked down to the pencil pressed against my flesh, pressed against my taint? I turned back to my math problems, slightly embarrassed by the laughter, but very excited to finally have an anatomical term for my favorite body part.

“‘Taint’ I repeated under my breath, I loved the way it rolled off my tongue… Taint…”

You see, like most young girls, nobody had formally taught me about taints. In fact, research says that 68% of women under the age of 25 aren’t sure if they have a taint. Even in New Jersey, where the vast majority of women have multiple taints, there is still no curriculum that teaches little girls about this body part. With my newfound knowledge, I went to the library and began to research the taint. Quickly, the librarian guided me to the book “Jerry’s Tiny Taint”. It was about a young boy’s struggle with his tiny taint in a family of abnormally large taints. As my knowledge of taints expanded, the obsession with my own grew exponentially. By the end of high school I was known universally as “Taint Toucher” and actually won the award for “Most Likely to Touch Taints”.

After High School I moved away to college and many assumed this obsession with my taint would subside. In fact, for the first year it almost did. I briefly became a vegan witch, donated a kidney to the dark arts, and built an owl sanctuary with a group of homeless women named Lydia.

“Quickly, the librarian guided me to the book ‘Jerry’s Tiny Taint'”

That’s when I met Igor, the Russian janitor at the college. While he was about 40 years older than me, covered in psoriasis, and didn’t speak English, I found myself extremely attracted to him. One day I saw him cleaning the windows in an empty classroom. I watched as his coveralls danced over his fleshy soft curves as the sunlight caught the rugged peeling flesh of his multiple skin conditions.

I was unable to contain myself. I ran into the classroom, closed the door, and grabbed him. As I moved my lips into his I felt a splash. Igor had dropped the Windex bottle and the impact had caused the entire thing to explode over my Jordache jeans. “No lady” Igor cried “stop” he continued. I pushed my frame towards his and pressed his frail soft body against the window. I grabbed his head between my hands and once again moved in for a kiss, “lady, no” Igor bellowed as my lips pressed against his. The sexual tension between us sent a wave of ecstasy through my body. Overcome with passion, I unlocked my embrace from Igor and ran back out the door. As I sprinted back to my dorm room, the scent of the Windex clung to me as vividly as the feeling of his scaly confused lips.

Windex

Igor left the college and went to work at a keilbasa stand shortly after the incident. Although our affair could not continue, I replayed the sexy memory of Igor over and over again. At first I would just spray some Windex in the room or on my clothing, which was enough to stimulate the memories and pleasure of the encounter. Nothing could prepare me for the intensity of my first taint Windex-ing. As I sprayed the blue liquid on the taint and began to rub circular motions with a microfiber cloth, I remember feeling like nothing else in the world mattered. For me, it felt like the very thing I had been seeking my whole life, as if the empty void was suddenly filled. People have scolded me, saying “stop Windexing your taint, this is my uncle Gerald’s funeral” but as far as I’m concerned, if you invited me, you also invited my Windex and my taint.

Lisa Bizzle

Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.

Libra HEALTH

LADYPARTS EXCLUSIVE: Inside the Libra Quarantine

Ladyparts Exclusive

In a major coup for the military-astrological complex and a move labeled “super annoying” by those born from September 23 to October 23, President Obama’s Libra Quarantine will begin initial operations in preparation for a Fall 2015 rollout.

“We as Americans are no longer going to wait for Libra to figure it the fuck out already.”

Outlined in his 2015 State of the Union Address, Obama noted that, since the Sephora Riots of 2009, most Americans have “had it up to here” with Libra “bullshit” and, with the support of House Taureans and the Senate Assembly of a Capricorn Moon, it is now time to “just get it out of our system, you know?”

Libra

Just back up for a minute and take stock.” As part of the quarantine, recently broken-up-with Librans will no longer be able to text you leading messages, and starting September 2015, victims falling under the sign of the scales will be left to “actually make a decision for once, like a real person.”

Lexie Mountain

Lexie Mountain is almost six feet tall and likes bugs. Her not very good website is located at lexiemountain.com.