COVER STORY

Bobby Flay: Mayonnaise is my Lifeblood

Celebrity chef Bobby Flay, known for his rockstar attitude with a Tex-Mex flair has been harboring a secret. 

LP:  So, this is big for you Bobby, how are you feeling?

BF: A little nervous, but it’s time. I already know I’m America’s favorite chef/divorceé/Throwdown superstar and I’m sure my mountains of fans will be supportive.

LP: Go on.

BF: Well, readers of LADYPARTS. I only kind of like grilling, my real passion is…well (laughs)… Mayonnaise. I just love it; creamy, soft.. I mean, have you had mayonnaise? It’s an art, just like grilling.

 

LP: So, bye-bye grilling?

BF: Of  course not! Grilling makes me tons of money. I mean TONS. Without grilling I wouldn’t have multiple TV shows, award-winning cookbooks and a bitter ex-wife.

“Mayonnaise is an art.”

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LP: Are you telling me that grilling contributed to your divorce?

BF: Not necessarily. But I’m sure mayo, that’s what insiders call mayonnaise, could’ve saved it. It’s a cure-all; moistens cakes, holds together mayonnaise-based salads, and… dare I say, it’s quite the game changer in the sack.

LP: So, what makes the perfect “mayo?”

BF: Haha, you’re catching on! I’d say it’s definitely about the eggs. Eggs, eggs, eggs! Of course I’d advocate for Bobby Flay’s Cage-Free Eggs for Mayonnaises and Aiolis. We have engineered the perfect viscosity for mayo, plus you cannot beat the flavor absorption of our yolks.

“Mayo, that’s what insiders call mayonnaise.”

LP: So, is there a cookbook in the works? Give me something to look forward to.

BF: Oh you can expect the whole Bobby Flay Shabang; merch, cookbooks, spice rubbings! Mayo with Flay’o, Mondays at 8 PM on the Food Network starting this fall. Mayoheads are a huge, untapped market.

LP: Wow! You’re keeping busy.

BF:  I’ve got mouths to feed!

Bobby Flay’s Signature Sweet & Smooth Garlic Aioli

Ingredients

Yields: 40

  • 1 Cup Hellmann’s Oyster-free Mayonnaise
  • 1 Dash Sweet Gordon’s C’est Ranch
  • 1 Hint Butterfinger crumbles
  • 40 Bobby Flay’s Cage-Free Eggs for Mayonnaises and Aiolis
  • 2 Swig frozen vegan egg whites
  • 1 Sprinkle smooth garlic hearts

Directions

Mix all wet ingredients together in a leather bowl, and mix with hands. Add dry ingredients and mash with hand masher until loose.

Serve with Bobby Flay’s signature Flat Chested Chicken Tendies, or Flaymoto’s Chinaman Chinese Chicken Crunch Surprise.

Freeze or throw away unused portions.

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.
ENTERTAINMENT

Dr. Fert’s Charity Dog Show 2015!

Talk about intense!

After two hundred twenty purebread beauties marched through the Atlanta AT&T Auditorium for the 24th annual Dr. Fert’s Charity Dog Show, the very special Borzoi, 2-year-old Michael Bublé took Best in Show.

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“A shocking win for the hound group!”

Everyone, including Dr. Fert, was expecting the prize to go to 7-year-old Captian Queso of Arizona. The toy group winner and Best in Show runner-up, (pictured below after losing) was by far the crowd favorite.

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Last year’s winning team, Sandra Cohen and Vladimir Paw-tin the Shar Pei ended up in a respectable but still losing, 3rd place. Vladimir seemed happy to go back home and run his country.

I wasn’t pleased but I guess, dog business is showbusiness.

– Sandra

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Other huge losers include Mister Congeniality, the runner up of the Toy Group, Anthony Bourdain the Chinese Crested. It was his first ever dog show and his owner/rescuer claims to be proud of him.

Better luck next year, Tony!

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For the first time in dog show HERstory, the Mutt Group was represented. Mutts of all varieties came out to represent their disgusting mixed breedness but the winner of the losers was “Lint” of Nebraska.

Aptly named.

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Honorable mentions go to another member of the Non-Working Group, Barbara in Human Resources.

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The big winner of the evening is the Dr. Fert Foundation for Dog Repair, the first company of its kind and recipient of all the money raised.

In his closing statement, Dr. Fert thanked the participants and said the money raised from the event amounted to over $790 dollars,  a dog show high!

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.
COVER STORY

Interview with Geriatric Matchmaker, Gene Simmons

Hardcore mouth rocker and amateur matchmaker for the elderly, Gene Simmons sits down with LADYPARTS magazine to dish on his new career and shit all over his former one.

LP:  Wow, Gene! What a life you’ve led. Tell me about the five years that have passed since we last spoke.

GS: Change doesn’t even begin to describe everything I’ve gone through. Let me SparkNotes it for you. Emotional breakdown, left my band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, emergency appendectomy, left the band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, left my band, finally found my true passion in watching old people fall in love. Now, I have my own reality show, Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC this fall. 

LP: How is your show different from other matchmaking shows like Millionaire Matchmaker and To Catch a Predator?

GS: My matchmaking technique is far from conventional. After my emergency appendectomy, I spent some time in third world nations, studying their courtship methods and fucking as many geriatric locals as I could find. (Laughs) In a way it was my rebirth and this show is a reflection of that.

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LP: How has being a hard core mouth rocker helped your matchmaking skills?

GS: Old people are a lot like musicians; sweaty, always tired and drowning in pussy. This is why I was drawn to working with them. Some people thinks it’s weird, “Gene…Gene Simmons? A reality show on TLC?” But hey, you go where the wind blows ya.

LP: How do they other fellas in the band feel?

GS: Oh the brothas are always used to me and my wacky antics!They are supportive but think it’s just a phase. Paul will come crawling to me for an old lady friend soon, you can just tell.

LP: And now the question on everyone’s mind, do you fuck your clients?

GS: You’ll have to watch the show to know that!

LP: So yes?

GS: What do you think, sweetie…

There you have it! Make sure to watch Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC and stay tuned for another reunion tour.

 

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.
Margarita Recipe COVER STORY

Kid Rock’s Family Dumpster Margarita Recipe

Margarita Recipe

Think you like margaritas as much as Kid Rock? Probably not! Check out Kid Rock’s coveted Margarita recipe!

Margarita Recipe

“You throw some ham on that sucker and you’ve got something good”

Kid Rock holds ham in high esteem, it’s one of his favorite meat based products.

Margarita Recipe

“Then you pour all this cola on it. It don’t matter if it’s RC Cola or for real cola from a can at the Piggy Wiggly’s”

Cans of cola are perfect for this signature drink, and as Kid Rock started, 1/4 cup and a few splashes is all you need to bring the flavors out of this classic marg.

Margarita Recipe

“Caramel and other things are nice”

Remember that behind every classic marg is a symphony of flavors crafted by one of many margarita mixes, do not use sparingly!

Margarita Recipe

“You put some onions in that bitch, call your daddy it’s a parrrrrrty!”

Red onions are particularly flavorful and a perfect marriage in this drink. Garnish each glass with diced onions and serve!

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.
COVER STORY

Danny Devito’s Troll Foot: Life in the Boot

It’s always Danny Devito’s Troll Foot this, Danny Devito’s Troll Foot that.  

Well guess what, America? My name is Jacques and this is my story.

“Master Danny has been keeping me to himself for awhile. I am his companion, his confidante. We are a team but I am not defined by him. I am Jacques.”

Jacques comes from an Italian line of troll feet and family is one of his top priorities.

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“I do get stage fright but Master Danny insists it’s normal. My mom loves Anderson Cooper so she was happy when this pic was snapped.”

Jacques mother refused to comment.

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“I don’t get it. Is it ironic?”

Jacques has trouble understanding the subtlety of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and will not divulge any information on his suspected relationship with Charlie Day’s left foot, Anabel.

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“Truthfully, I wouldn’t change my job for the world. Master treats me well with the best minty scrub available at Rite Aid and I love when his pussy cat sniffs my face.”

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“At the end of a long day, Master will rub me down, soak me in Epsoms until I doze off into a most beautiful slumber.”

Night night, Jacques.

sleep
ENTERTAINMENT

Behind the Scenes of LFO’s New Music Video “Janet,…

LADYPARTS Magazine sits down with the boys on the set of their new video to discuss life, love and whether sea monkeys are actually monkeys or if they’re just tiny little shrimps like my mom said.

LP: Thanks for joining me guys. What an honor. You just ended your world wide sold out tour and here you are on the set of your new video. Does the magic ever stop?

Rich: Well early on in our career a lot of people wrote us off as a one hit wonder, but here we are 16 Grammys later.  We’re like a bad rash that will never go away no matter how hard you scratch it.

LP: Can you tell me a little about your inspiration for this video?

Devin: The song holds a place very close to our hearts and was inspired by our dear friend Susan Boyle’s lifelong struggle with shingles. She’s got the voice of an angel but a back like an iguana.

Rich: The video is essentially us on the beach trying to pick up chicks. We sing and point at the camera a lot. I think it’s one of our best yet.

Devin: There’s one part where we’re all playing football in the sand and I trip and fall in front of these hot babes and they all start laughing at me, but then we hook up in the end.  It has nothing to do with the song whatsoever.

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LP: Speaking of Suzie Boy, what advice can you give to young people looking to get into the music industry?

Brad: Pay people to write your songs.

Rich: Get your hair frosted twice a day.

Devin: Steal towels from hotels to save money.

LP: LADYPARTS readers everywhere are wondering, are you guys dating anyone at the moment?

Devin: Well it’s really tough to date with our busy schedules but we do make the time to have a sexual relationship with Denis Leary.

LP: All three of you?

Devin: Yes.

LP: Whoa that’s hot. So do you guys want to go to back to my hotel after this or what? I just got a Nuva ring and I want to break it in. Donkey style.

Devin: No

Brad: No

Rich: I would love to but I died of leukemia 5 years ago

Ew gross.

Thanks for sitting down with me guys. Be sure to check out LFO’s new video “Janet, My Back Hurts”

 

Marie Colette
Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.
Stoffel COVER STORY

Stoffel the Honey Badger!

STOFFEL THE HONEY BADGER: 8,000 CALORIES A DAY AND FEELING FLIRTY!

“Well, I mainly wake up and eat ground bugs…”

Stoffel the Honey Badger lives in an undisclosed location in the bush and eats bugs for breakfast, a true bush boy.

Stoffel

“I live behind a bunch of bushes under a juniper bush behind my dad’s house”

Stoffel spends his days eating, eating with his girlfriend Garen and thinking about eating… all behind the natural bush life in Stoffel’s traditional bush cottage.

Stoffel

“Before I’m allowed to go out my dad makes me let him check me for ticks with all my friends. Whatever…”

Ticks are a serious issue in the bush.

Stoffel

“My dad wears the same thing everyday. I don’t really think about it”

That much is true for a typical bush man residing in the bush.

Stoffel

“At around 1PM I chase ghosts”

It’s chasing bush ghosts that keeps Stoffel in tip-top shape.

Stoffel

“There’s always plenty of fresh oranges in the trash. Sometimes I’ll eat 50 and throw up in the lake”

Oranges are a meal fit for any bush man, and Stoffel is just a typical man in the bush!

Stoffel

Thank you for the beautiful tour of the bush, you are a king among men!

Stoffel
Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.
Kelly Clarkson ENTERTAINMENT

REVIEW: Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson

“The Romeo and Juliet of hair”

Kelly Clarkson

“Since U Been Gone” is the earth-shattering single from sassy songstress Kelly Clarkson that sparked the Clarksonaissance after her previously-boring songs like “A Moment Like Who Cares”, “Breakaway from Listening to This Song” and “Because of You I Wish I Were Deaf”.

Kelly penned this modern pop classic after breaking up with her American Idol flame Justin Guarini due to prejudices she experienced from their mixed-hairstyle love. How could two people with such different hairstyles ever fall in love? It never would have worked. Probably a good decision, Kelly. Kudos.

KELLY CLARKSON’S “SINCE U BEEN GONE”: A+ if I’ve been drinking, B if I’m sober

Sam Montgomery
Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.
Seal COVER STORY

Seal Dishes on his Deep-Dish Addiction

Seal

Their new sauces are fantastic. I’m divorced!!

“I’ve been buying pizzas from Pizza Hut pretty consistently for fourteen years and I’ll only stop when I’m cold and dead”

Seal is extremely Italian and holds Pizza Hut in high pizza regard… Terrific!

Seal

“Their sauce makes me scream with delight”

Pizza Hut now has a variety of pizza sauces for your custom pizza orders. Each one is dumped onto flattened pizza dough and from a can, spectacular.

Seal

“Have you heard of drizzle? It’s divine…”

Pizza Hut puts watery sauce on your pizzas! For FREE!!!!

Seal

“Let’s talk sides… if you aren’t down to share a few apps, NO THANKS, BROTHER!”

Seal takes apps like jalapeño pizza popenators very seriously and he’ll actually kill you if you disagree with him.

Seal

“There’s nothing I enjoy more than unwinding with my blended family and a box of cheesy bread planks”

Seal can’t get enough of them.

Seal

Seal, you are a brave man with impeccable taste.

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.
Kelly Clarkson ENTERTAINMENT

REVIEW: Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson

Again and again and again and again!!!

Kelly Clarkson is the undisputed farm emo queen. After spoiling us with countless tender ballads such as “I do not hook up”, “go”, and the underground hit “no, dad, I’m not a lesbian”, Kelly has taken the milk fat of our souls and churned it into a cube of rock and roll butter with her song “Since U Been Gone”.

Unlike her previous songs, Since U been Gone combines sick guitar riffs with air drum solos to create an uptempo farm emo rock sound more contagious than my Aunt Lorraine’s Staph infection. Furthermore, by dropping the “yo” from “you” in her song title, we are left with a feeling of youthfulness only brought about when that 19 year old kid at the gas station says I have a pretty mouth.

Since U Been Gone is designed to make scrapbooking clubs break out into fistfights and guys named Kevin punch themselves in the dick. It’s the type of jam that makes walls shake, butts clap, and dads in turtlenecks try hummus for the first time. When Clarkson croons “Again and again and again and again” it confirms that Clarkson has the most powerful ovaries in the business and she isn’t backing down from the repetition and alliteration that has made her so appealing to fans who are easily confused by complete sentences.

Since U Been Gone is easily the top song of our generation and perhaps Kelly Clarkson’s greatest contribution to my karate sound track.

KELLY CLARKSON’S “SINCE U BEEN GONE”  : A+

Lisa Bizzle
Lisa Bizzle has over 3 badminton tournament victories & at the tender age of 26, survived a bee sting to the neck. Lisa now divides her time between building blanket forts & shaving pentagrams into neighborhood cats.