COVER STORY

Bobby Flay: Mayonnaise is my Lifeblood

Celebrity chef Bobby Flay, known for his rockstar attitude with a Tex-Mex flair has been harboring a secret. 

LP:  So, this is big for you Bobby, how are you feeling?

BF: A little nervous, but it’s time. I already know I’m America’s favorite chef/divorceé/Throwdown superstar and I’m sure my mountains of fans will be supportive.

LP: Go on.

BF: Well, readers of LADYPARTS. I only kind of like grilling, my real passion is…well (laughs)… Mayonnaise. I just love it; creamy, soft.. I mean, have you had mayonnaise? It’s an art, just like grilling.

 

LP: So, bye-bye grilling?

BF: Of  course not! Grilling makes me tons of money. I mean TONS. Without grilling I wouldn’t have multiple TV shows, award-winning cookbooks and a bitter ex-wife.

“Mayonnaise is an art.”

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LP: Are you telling me that grilling contributed to your divorce?

BF: Not necessarily. But I’m sure mayo, that’s what insiders call mayonnaise, could’ve saved it. It’s a cure-all; moistens cakes, holds together mayonnaise-based salads, and… dare I say, it’s quite the game changer in the sack.

LP: So, what makes the perfect “mayo?”

BF: Haha, you’re catching on! I’d say it’s definitely about the eggs. Eggs, eggs, eggs! Of course I’d advocate for Bobby Flay’s Cage-Free Eggs for Mayonnaises and Aiolis. We have engineered the perfect viscosity for mayo, plus you cannot beat the flavor absorption of our yolks.

“Mayo, that’s what insiders call mayonnaise.”

LP: So, is there a cookbook in the works? Give me something to look forward to.

BF: Oh you can expect the whole Bobby Flay Shabang; merch, cookbooks, spice rubbings! Mayo with Flay’o, Mondays at 8 PM on the Food Network starting this fall. Mayoheads are a huge, untapped market.

LP: Wow! You’re keeping busy.

BF:  I’ve got mouths to feed!

Bobby Flay’s Signature Sweet & Smooth Garlic Aioli

Ingredients

Yields: 40

  • 1 Cup Hellmann’s Oyster-free Mayonnaise
  • 1 Dash Sweet Gordon’s C’est Ranch
  • 1 Hint Butterfinger crumbles
  • 40 Bobby Flay’s Cage-Free Eggs for Mayonnaises and Aiolis
  • 2 Swig frozen vegan egg whites
  • 1 Sprinkle smooth garlic hearts

Directions

Mix all wet ingredients together in a leather bowl, and mix with hands. Add dry ingredients and mash with hand masher until loose.

Serve with Bobby Flay’s signature Flat Chested Chicken Tendies, or Flaymoto’s Chinaman Chinese Chicken Crunch Surprise.

Freeze or throw away unused portions.

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

COVER STORY

Interview with Geriatric Matchmaker, Gene Simmons

Hardcore mouth rocker and amateur matchmaker for the elderly, Gene Simmons sits down with LADYPARTS magazine to dish on his new career and shit all over his former one.

LP:  Wow, Gene! What a life you’ve led. Tell me about the five years that have passed since we last spoke.

GS: Change doesn’t even begin to describe everything I’ve gone through. Let me SparkNotes it for you. Emotional breakdown, left my band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, emergency appendectomy, left the band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, left my band, finally found my true passion in watching old people fall in love. Now, I have my own reality show, Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC this fall. 

LP: How is your show different from other matchmaking shows like Millionaire Matchmaker and To Catch a Predator?

GS: My matchmaking technique is far from conventional. After my emergency appendectomy, I spent some time in third world nations, studying their courtship methods and fucking as many geriatric locals as I could find. (Laughs) In a way it was my rebirth and this show is a reflection of that.

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LP: How has being a hard core mouth rocker helped your matchmaking skills?

GS: Old people are a lot like musicians; sweaty, always tired and drowning in pussy. This is why I was drawn to working with them. Some people thinks it’s weird, “Gene…Gene Simmons? A reality show on TLC?” But hey, you go where the wind blows ya.

LP: How do they other fellas in the band feel?

GS: Oh the brothas are always used to me and my wacky antics!They are supportive but think it’s just a phase. Paul will come crawling to me for an old lady friend soon, you can just tell.

LP: And now the question on everyone’s mind, do you fuck your clients?

GS: You’ll have to watch the show to know that!

LP: So yes?

GS: What do you think, sweetie…

There you have it! Make sure to watch Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC and stay tuned for another reunion tour.

 

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Margarita Recipe COVER STORY

Kid Rock’s Family Dumpster Margarita Recipe

Margarita Recipe

Think you like margaritas as much as Kid Rock? Probably not! Check out Kid Rock’s coveted Margarita recipe!

Margarita Recipe

“You throw some ham on that sucker and you’ve got something good”

Kid Rock holds ham in high esteem, it’s one of his favorite meat based products.

Margarita Recipe

“Then you pour all this cola on it. It don’t matter if it’s RC Cola or for real cola from a can at the Piggy Wiggly’s”

Cans of cola are perfect for this signature drink, and as Kid Rock started, 1/4 cup and a few splashes is all you need to bring the flavors out of this classic marg.

Margarita Recipe

“Caramel and other things are nice”

Remember that behind every classic marg is a symphony of flavors crafted by one of many margarita mixes, do not use sparingly!

Margarita Recipe

“You put some onions in that bitch, call your daddy it’s a parrrrrrty!”

Red onions are particularly flavorful and a perfect marriage in this drink. Garnish each glass with diced onions and serve!

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

COVER STORY

Danny Devito’s Troll Foot: Life in the Boot

It’s always Danny Devito’s Troll Foot this, Danny Devito’s Troll Foot that.  

Well guess what, America? My name is Jacques and this is my story.

“Master Danny has been keeping me to himself for awhile. I am his companion, his confidante. We are a team but I am not defined by him. I am Jacques.”

Jacques comes from an Italian line of troll feet and family is one of his top priorities.

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“I do get stage fright but Master Danny insists it’s normal. My mom loves Anderson Cooper so she was happy when this pic was snapped.”

Jacques mother refused to comment.

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“I don’t get it. Is it ironic?”

Jacques has trouble understanding the subtlety of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and will not divulge any information on his suspected relationship with Charlie Day’s left foot, Anabel.

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“Truthfully, I wouldn’t change my job for the world. Master treats me well with the best minty scrub available at Rite Aid and I love when his pussy cat sniffs my face.”

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“At the end of a long day, Master will rub me down, soak me in Epsoms until I doze off into a most beautiful slumber.”

Night night, Jacques.

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Stoffel COVER STORY

Stoffel the Honey Badger!

STOFFEL THE HONEY BADGER: 8,000 CALORIES A DAY AND FEELING FLIRTY!

“Well, I mainly wake up and eat ground bugs…”

Stoffel the Honey Badger lives in an undisclosed location in the bush and eats bugs for breakfast, a true bush boy.

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“I live behind a bunch of bushes under a juniper bush behind my dad’s house”

Stoffel spends his days eating, eating with his girlfriend Garen and thinking about eating… all behind the natural bush life in Stoffel’s traditional bush cottage.

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“Before I’m allowed to go out my dad makes me let him check me for ticks with all my friends. Whatever…”

Ticks are a serious issue in the bush.

Stoffel

“My dad wears the same thing everyday. I don’t really think about it”

That much is true for a typical bush man residing in the bush.

Stoffel

“At around 1PM I chase ghosts”

It’s chasing bush ghosts that keeps Stoffel in tip-top shape.

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“There’s always plenty of fresh oranges in the trash. Sometimes I’ll eat 50 and throw up in the lake”

Oranges are a meal fit for any bush man, and Stoffel is just a typical man in the bush!

Stoffel

Thank you for the beautiful tour of the bush, you are a king among men!

Stoffel

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Seal COVER STORY

Seal Dishes on his Deep-Dish Addiction

Seal

Their new sauces are fantastic. I’m divorced!!

“I’ve been buying pizzas from Pizza Hut pretty consistently for fourteen years and I’ll only stop when I’m cold and dead”

Seal is extremely Italian and holds Pizza Hut in high pizza regard… Terrific!

Seal

“Their sauce makes me scream with delight”

Pizza Hut now has a variety of pizza sauces for your custom pizza orders. Each one is dumped onto flattened pizza dough and from a can, spectacular.

Seal

“Have you heard of drizzle? It’s divine…”

Pizza Hut puts watery sauce on your pizzas! For FREE!!!!

Seal

“Let’s talk sides… if you aren’t down to share a few apps, NO THANKS, BROTHER!”

Seal takes apps like jalapeño pizza popenators very seriously and he’ll actually kill you if you disagree with him.

Seal

“There’s nothing I enjoy more than unwinding with my blended family and a box of cheesy bread planks”

Seal can’t get enough of them.

Seal

Seal, you are a brave man with impeccable taste.

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

COVER STORY

Kim Jong Un and The Art of Cosplay

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un gives LADYPARTS the 411 on the art of cosplay.

“Meet Rosario Flame”

I met Kim in a Syracuse diner I found on Yelp. He arrived, 30 minutes late, rushing through the door confidently.

Kim was nearly unrecognizable as he wasn’t wearing his usual attire, he dressed down for the occasion in a full Serpent – Wolf costume. “Meet Rosario Flame,” he said.

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“I’m a cosplayer, always have been, always will be.”

After Kim ordered what I soon learned to be his “go-to” diner item, (A Black & White milkshake and two side orders of sausage) we got down to business.

He talked about growing up and always striving to be different. He’s been participating in “costume play” since a very young age. (See below) “Cosplaying gave me an opportunity to be myself in a way that is completely not myself,” said Kim in between bites of sausage.

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“It’s really about becoming the best person you can be. Or fox.”

Kim explained growing up in North Korea isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Honestly, It can get difficult,” he said. Kim admitted that on nights he wasn’t bowling with Pa, he’d sneak out of his house to attend cosplay conventions.

Corey Feldman

“Daddy’s Little Man”

When I asked Kim about his father, he laughed. At first he refused to talk about his “Pa” but after a few more Black & White milkshakes, I couldn’t get him to shut up about it! Apparently, Big Kim was a difficult man to please. Constantly seeking for his approval, Li’l Kim hid his cosplaying lifestyle from his father for nearly 15 years.

So what happened when he finally came clean? “He was so supportive,” said Kim, “and I was so relieved!”

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“I couldn’t run this country without Rosario. “

Now, Kim is busy running the world but his cosplay life “couldn’t be healthier.” He proudly runs the country with his “first Serpent,” Rosario Flame and cosplayers and non-players alike respect and accept his extrahuman counterpart.

“She’s NoKo’s Mascot now!”

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Kim refused to comment on the contents of the vat.

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Corey Feldman COVER STORY

Inside Corey Feldman’s Craftsman House

Corey Feldman

Child actor Corey Feldman invited us into his beautiful Los Angeles home

“I don’t know why Mary is here for this, she isn’t my real mother…”

Corey Feldman shares his space with his father and his father’s girlfriend Mary who is a total bitch. Feldman asked us to ask Mary to leave the house during the shoot to which Mary replied that “she has every right to be here”, insisting that Corey is just cranky because he hasn’t had his afternoon apple juice.

Remarkable!

Corey Feldman

“I keep a few sleeves of thin mints under my pillow, just in case… expect the unexpected, that’s my mantra…”

Corey has hosted quite a few sleepovers in his spacious “bunker” room. Two bunks for two hunks, Haim frequently spent evenings at Casa Feldman before his untimely death in early 2010.

Corey Feldman

“This is a place where I can just relax and unwind with my dad or some of my gerbils, it’s kind of a man cave, I guess…”

When Corey and his gerbils need to unwind, they play a couple rounds of bowling in Feldman’s multi lane cosmic bowling arena.

Corey Feldman

“A friend of mine is a painter and I commissioned him to paint this beautiful mural of Buddha watching me crank off in the shower…”

Corey knows “cleanliness is next to godliness” and that’s why he takes it literally by spending 25k on a mural that watches him shower.

Corey Feldman

“Confession time, I’m an extreme couponer and here’s a sneak peak into one of my big hauls this week. You can’t go wrong with Cinnamon Toast Crunch at any age…”

Corey spends a big chunk of his week preparing for the next big haul and uses one of his garages to store all of his goodies.

Corey Feldman

Corey Feldman you are an inspiration, thank you for accepting Ladyparts into your home and showing us your place!

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.