Donald Trump REAL TALK

Diane Presents: Donald’s Doggy Dopplegangers

Donald Trump

Donald Trump is a smart and handsome man, kinda like my dog pal, Noodles!!! 

Donald Trump

I can’t tell if this is a pic of old Don, or man’s best friend (dogs)!!!

Donald Trump

I don’t think I’ve told anyone about the time I accidentally ate dog kibble thinking it was peanuts! LIVE AND LEARN! THAT’S WHAT I SAY! 

Donald Trump

This is a good style, I put this here so I can take it to my groomer this weekend – i’m not good with a computer sometimes, and my son and I aren’t on speaking terms.

Donald Trump

I guess it’s for the best, though, I do deserve it for breaking my grandson’s Diorama on Brazil Nuts! That’s what I get for mixing chardonnay and Brazil Nut Salad!

Diane

Single, 5’4, with JUNK in the TRUNK!! LOL!!!

Donald Trump REAL TALK

7 Chinas I Would Never Visit!

We all know Donald Trump hates China… but which one?! With so many Chinas in this world, we at LADYPARTS Magazine had to get to the bottom of this tenuous issue.

1. China Classic

Located on planet earth, China Classic is known for its dense population of people and only children. Trump claims China Classic is “perhaps even the lamest of all Chinas.”

2. Japan China

Japan China may be the most picturesque China, but that doesn’t make it fun. Secluded in the Pacific Ocean, just north of the Great Pacific garbage patch, very few visit Japan and even fewer…make it back alive.

According to Trump, “Japan, China? No fucking way.”

3. Chyna

Chyna is known for the big personality of the country. Chyna is perhaps the most provocative China but according to Trump, “I’m busy right now, go away.”

4. Nana’s Nice China

Nana’s Nice China has been in the family for centuries, but that doesn’t mean its pretty. “All it does is collect dust in the cupboard, why can’t we just sell it?” asks Trump. Only visit on special occasions with Papa’s Silver Cutlery.

5. Chinaland 

Chinaland is a small town located just south of Chinawich. Nearly inhabitable because of the cloud of toxic smoke that surrounds it, Chinaland is one of the oldest cities in Beijing. “Never even heard of it,” says T.

6. China from the movies 

No list of horrible Chinas is complete without mention of China from the movies. Flooded with humans and disease, China from the movies is no place for humans. “Avoid it,” says Trump “and get out of my face, will ya?”

7. China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties and stuff

China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties stuff may seem fun, but the past should stay in the past. The big T says “China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties stuff has to be the most upsetting of all Chinas. I HATE the past.”

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Trader Joe's REAL TALK

Trader Joe’s 5 Fall Favorites

Trader Joe's

Fall is the best time to try new foods, try some food with us!

Turkey Fingerlings are the perfect way to give it your best try. Heat these cuties up in a skillet or over a hot plate for 10 minutes and serve. We suggest trying the Trader Joe’s Not Your Aunt’s Catchup for dippin’.

Trader Joe's

El Chapo’s Churros are the only way to get cinnamon in your bra, hair, armpits, in and around your cervical opening.

Trader Joe's

Little Miss Bossy Sauce’s Tequila Lime Saucey Sauce is a sexy way to spice up ground beef to the occasional chutney, and everything in between.

Trader Joe's

Sea Salt & Clam Tater Crisps are simply the tits! Let these babies melt in your mouth, and wash them down with a cool glass of Fat Aunt’s Skim Milk.

Trader Joe's

New Moon Cleanse (Gogi Berry & Silk Blend), reminds us that every moon needs a clean cycle, get the gunk out with our limited time flavors this fall.

Trader Joe's
Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Trader Joes REAL TALK

Memo from Manager Mark: Fall Edition

Trader Joes

Settle down turds and turdettes, it’s Managerial Mark here, your Crew leader. We have some new fall items you need to know about, and Thanksgiving is around the corner, dicktits, so pay attention.

Trader Joes

Yammy Mammy Marshmallow Sweet Potato Side

These guys are perfect for singles, loners, dog people, seniors, or anyone with no teeth or general tooth sensitivity. Yammy’s pairs well with our signature Warm Duck Salad and Ginger Pear Spears.

Trader Joes

TooFun Tofurky

This guy is pre-stuffed with cabbage rind and walnuts so you know it’s moist as hell. Remind customers that this turkey is for single lesbian substitute teachers only.

Trader Joes

Diet Muffin Stuffin’

Due to a recent backlog of muffin bottoms after our release of Mammoth Martha’s Muffin Tops, we are proud to announce the latest holiday staple, stuffing made entirely out of dried muffin bottoms: try baking these cuties at 400 for 10, adding a drizzle of corn vinaigrette and garnish with Ginger Pear Spears for a quick salad.

Trader Joes

Crazy Aunt Barbara’s Crantastic Preservation Experiment

This cranberry topping is rumored to have started as a failed attempt to ferment cranberries for liquor in jail toilets for trade in the big house. Once she was out, Aunt Barbara’s passion for toilet cranberry topping was passed down through generations and eventually our hands.

Trader Joes

Chubby Hubby’s Mexican Pumpkin Pie

This pie is the answer to every receptionist’s Thanksgiving potluck contribution. It’s every American’s favorite holiday pie with a sexy twist. And in America, it’s nice to have secrets again.

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

King Tut LIFESTYLE

How To Deal With Your King Tut When He’s…

King Tut

If there’s anything more annoying than a man/god, this queen doesn’t even want to know about it.

And since we can’t legally kill ‘em, mummify ‘em and preserve their earthly bodies for eternity in a tomb while their spirits travel on into the afterlife, I guess we have to live with ‘em! So what’s a gal to do to turn her fella’s pharaoh-n upside down? (See what I did there? I command you to see what I did there. Never forget that I am royalty.)

A sad spouse can rune (See it. Praise it. I am a demigod.) even the best of relationships. Here are some tried and true ways to put the pep back in his (possibly club-footed) step.

Make him your priority!

King Tut

A Weekly Date – Set aside one night a week for just you and your man-child. Spend some quality time listening to or at least pretending to listen to him, his worries, his aspirations, his lunatic ramblings.

Exercise – If you can get his body moving you might be able to get his mind moving, too. Suggest to your King that you get some exercise together – perhaps a walk around the pyramids or a brisk whipping of the slaves.

A Peaceful Place – Bowls, amulets, urns, hieroglyphics, camels, headpieces, masks, sand, pottery jars, preserved organs, other typical museum shit — all that clutter can really overwhelm someone! Considered creating a sacred space, for just you and him and 4 or 5 cats.

Spice it up!

King Tut

In The Bedroom – Maybe your guy’s a bit tired of the missionary position. Why not try some new sex moves, like drunken scarab, human chariot or penis mummy? Slip into a tighter tunic and do it in a sarcophagus. Draw a happy face on “Tut Jr.” with eyeliner. Bring the goat into the bedroom for some special playtime before slaughtering and eating it.

Do Something New – Anything his heart desires! Try out new wigs for you and for him. Does he have any hobbies besides having his parents be siblings? Encourage him to get more involved in those hobbies, or help him pick something new, like playing the lute or skewering servants.

Throw a Party – Everyone knows how much men love parties and all their ensuing noise and drama. Invite all your wealthy friends over to play games, listen to music, and talk shit about people not in attendance to help raise your man’s spirits [not literally].

A change of surroundings!

King Tut

A Weekend Away – Maybe it’s time for a change of scenery. Get your camels out on the road for a mini-vacay. Or organize a hunt! How about a booze cruise on the Nile?

A Stay-cation – What if your King doesn’t like to stray far from his kingdom? Stock the fridge with his favorite barley beer and binge watch a whole season of wall paintings.

Love Potion – If all else fails, turn to drugs. A tincture made from crushed beetles and sheep dung can do a pretty good job of cheering him up. Or killing him, which also solves your problem!

Jessie Dean Altman

Jessie likes podcasts and liver snaps.

LIFESTYLE

Pier 1’s Perfect Pyramid Pick-Me-Ups

head

Is your pyramid so 2630 BC? These Pier 1 finds will bring it to the 21st century.

Mojito Sign – $9.98

Feel the breeze all the way in Egypt with this island-inspired cocktail recipe! Large enough to mount on any slanted wall.

1

Glitter Skull Set – 6.95

Gettin’ spooky with it? These flashy heads will look fab in almost any basin or tub.

3

Silver Spoon Wall Décor – $54.99

I know what you’re thinking, why would I need a 46″ spoon? Well once you mount this puppy in your kitchen, you’ll be surprised you ever lived without it.

5

Flounce Pillow (Teal) – $23.96

This gorgeous teal hue will match all the browns and yellows of your pyramid. You don’t need to a hire a slave to know that!

6

Papasan Cushion (Red Piper) – $79.20

Let me just say, wow. These remarkable cushions will revolutionize your lounging – adding much needed Papasan to your dull life.

4

Adriel Chair (Indigo) – $349.98

Indigo? They still use that stuff? Throwback to your ancient roots with this totally authentic chair.

10

Recycled Glass Head – $19.95

Funkify your toilet corner with this big empty head. Perfect for parties.

7

Old Bengali Patch Pouf Ottoman – $149.95

If your pyramid needs a splash of clashing colors, look no further than this unique ottoman. Old Texas meets New Mexico with a hand-quilted design even King Tut couldn’t pass up!

9
Divorcees REAL TALK

10 Divorcees! Heartbroken and DESPERATE!

Divorcees

Sometimes partners can’t get over their differences and divorce. Let’s look at some of the most desperate divorcees this side of the Mississippi! 

This first divorcee is named Terrence. He works at a coffee cart in a remote village.

Divorcees

Self proclaimed, the king of fruit bats, Terrence Jr. lives in a tree and is king of the fruit bats. Wow!

Divorcees

Neil Young is probably divorced, who knows!

Divorcees

This is Doug who is rumored to be a divorcee. He’s been the talk of the town since he was arrested for washing his clothing is his neighbor’s pool last year.

Divorcees

Debra is no stranger to being single. Her husband divorced her minutes before dying in a boating accident. Really makes you think…

Divorcees

Not a lot of people know that Faith Hill has a sister, but she does, and she is extremely divorced.

Divorcees

Sometimes there are men involved in a divorce, like this man, Leslie. Leslie and his dog Cooter live in a large van in a Walmart parking lot in Arizona, very exotic.

Divorcees

Cassandra is a big fat liar and divorced.

Divorcees

Two words: divorced.

Divorcees

Paul moved to Spain after his divorce and he’s never felt shittier. Oh well!

Divorcees

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Olives REAL TALK

OLIVES

Olives

There’s been a lot of controversy around olives lately and I think it’s disgusting.

The bond on an olive family is cherished and undeniable.

Olives

Olives come in a variety of shapes, colors, and sizes. Who knew?

Olives

Most people have no idea they can find olives at their local grocery store or Pizza Hut dumpster.

Olives

Some olives are filled with dog penises.

Olives

June 1st marks the day of the first annual olive day. Children and adults sing from the rooftops:

O, King Olive
Leave us your pits
Eat our orphaned children
And orphaned wife children
We will follow your wrath with our hands
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, King Olive, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It

Olives

Olives are considered the largest living descendant of bats in Albania. Interesting!!!

Olives

One thing we can all agree on is that olives make amazing friends and better husbands…

Olives

So toss an olive salad this olive season. Tis the season to eat olives!

Olives

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.