Donald Trump REAL TALK

Diane Presents: Donald’s Doggy Dopplegangers

Donald Trump

Donald Trump is a smart and handsome man, kinda like my dog pal, Noodles!!! 

Donald Trump

I can’t tell if this is a pic of old Don, or man’s best friend (dogs)!!!

Donald Trump

I don’t think I’ve told anyone about the time I accidentally ate dog kibble thinking it was peanuts! LIVE AND LEARN! THAT’S WHAT I SAY! 

Donald Trump

This is a good style, I put this here so I can take it to my groomer this weekend – i’m not good with a computer sometimes, and my son and I aren’t on speaking terms.

Donald Trump

I guess it’s for the best, though, I do deserve it for breaking my grandson’s Diorama on Brazil Nuts! That’s what I get for mixing chardonnay and Brazil Nut Salad!

Trader Joe's REAL TALK

Trader Joe’s 5 Fall Favorites

Trader Joe's

Fall is the best time to try new foods, try some food with us!

Turkey Fingerlings are the perfect way to give it your best try. Heat these cuties up in a skillet or over a hot plate for 10 minutes and serve. We suggest trying the Trader Joe’s Not Your Aunt’s Catchup for dippin’.

Trader Joe's

El Chapo’s Churros are the only way to get cinnamon in your bra, hair, armpits, in and around your cervical opening.

Trader Joe's

Little Miss Bossy Sauce’s Tequila Lime Saucey Sauce is a sexy way to spice up ground beef to the occasional chutney, and everything in between.

Trader Joe's

Sea Salt & Clam Tater Crisps are simply the tits! Let these babies melt in your mouth, and wash them down with a cool glass of Fat Aunt’s Skim Milk.

Trader Joe's

New Moon Cleanse (Gogi Berry & Silk Blend), reminds us that every moon needs a clean cycle, get the gunk out with our limited time flavors this fall.

Trader Joe's
Trader Joes REAL TALK

Memo from Manager Mark: Fall Edition

Trader Joes

Settle down turds and turdettes, it’s Managerial Mark here, your Crew leader. We have some new fall items you need to know about, and Thanksgiving is around the corner, dicktits, so pay attention.

Trader Joes

Yammy Mammy Marshmallow Sweet Potato Side

These guys are perfect for singles, loners, dog people, seniors, or anyone with no teeth or general tooth sensitivity. Yammy’s pairs well with our signature Warm Duck Salad and Ginger Pear Spears.

Trader Joes

TooFun Tofurky

This guy is pre-stuffed with cabbage rind and walnuts so you know it’s moist as hell. Remind customers that this turkey is for single lesbian substitute teachers only.

Trader Joes

Diet Muffin Stuffin’

Due to a recent backlog of muffin bottoms after our release of Mammoth Martha’s Muffin Tops, we are proud to announce the latest holiday staple, stuffing made entirely out of dried muffin bottoms: try baking these cuties at 400 for 10, adding a drizzle of corn vinaigrette and garnish with Ginger Pear Spears for a quick salad.

Trader Joes

Crazy Aunt Barbara’s Crantastic Preservation Experiment

This cranberry topping is rumored to have started as a failed attempt to ferment cranberries for liquor in jail toilets for trade in the big house. Once she was out, Aunt Barbara’s passion for toilet cranberry topping was passed down through generations and eventually our hands.

Trader Joes

Chubby Hubby’s Mexican Pumpkin Pie

This pie is the answer to every receptionist’s Thanksgiving potluck contribution. It’s every American’s favorite holiday pie with a sexy twist. And in America, it’s nice to have secrets again.


How To Deal With Your King Tut When He’s…

King Tut

If there’s anything more annoying than a man/god, this queen doesn’t even want to know about it.

And since we can’t legally kill ‘em, mummify ‘em and preserve their earthly bodies for eternity in a tomb while their spirits travel on into the afterlife, I guess we have to live with ‘em! So what’s a gal to do to turn her fella’s pharaoh-n upside down? (See what I did there? I command you to see what I did there. Never forget that I am royalty.)

A sad spouse can rune (See it. Praise it. I am a demigod.) even the best of relationships. Here are some tried and true ways to put the pep back in his (possibly club-footed) step.

Make him your priority!

King Tut

A Weekly Date – Set aside one night a week for just you and your man-child. Spend some quality time listening to or at least pretending to listen to him, his worries, his aspirations, his lunatic ramblings.

Exercise – If you can get his body moving you might be able to get his mind moving, too. Suggest to your King that you get some exercise together – perhaps a walk around the pyramids or a brisk whipping of the slaves.

A Peaceful Place – Bowls, amulets, urns, hieroglyphics, camels, headpieces, masks, sand, pottery jars, preserved organs, other typical museum shit — all that clutter can really overwhelm someone! Considered creating a sacred space, for just you and him and 4 or 5 cats.

Spice it up!

King Tut

In The Bedroom – Maybe your guy’s a bit tired of the missionary position. Why not try some new sex moves, like drunken scarab, human chariot or penis mummy? Slip into a tighter tunic and do it in a sarcophagus. Draw a happy face on “Tut Jr.” with eyeliner. Bring the goat into the bedroom for some special playtime before slaughtering and eating it.

Do Something New – Anything his heart desires! Try out new wigs for you and for him. Does he have any hobbies besides having his parents be siblings? Encourage him to get more involved in those hobbies, or help him pick something new, like playing the lute or skewering servants.

Throw a Party – Everyone knows how much men love parties and all their ensuing noise and drama. Invite all your wealthy friends over to play games, listen to music, and talk shit about people not in attendance to help raise your man’s spirits [not literally].

A change of surroundings!

King Tut

A Weekend Away – Maybe it’s time for a change of scenery. Get your camels out on the road for a mini-vacay. Or organize a hunt! How about a booze cruise on the Nile?

A Stay-cation – What if your King doesn’t like to stray far from his kingdom? Stock the fridge with his favorite barley beer and binge watch a whole season of wall paintings.

Love Potion – If all else fails, turn to drugs. A tincture made from crushed beetles and sheep dung can do a pretty good job of cheering him up. Or killing him, which also solves your problem!


Pier 1’s Perfect Pyramid Pick-Me-Ups


Is your pyramid so 2630 BC? These Pier 1 finds will bring it to the 21st century.

Mojito Sign – $9.98

Feel the breeze all the way in Egypt with this island-inspired cocktail recipe! Large enough to mount on any slanted wall.


Glitter Skull Set – 6.95

Gettin’ spooky with it? These flashy heads will look fab in almost any basin or tub.


Silver Spoon Wall Décor – $54.99

I know what you’re thinking, why would I need a 46″ spoon? Well once you mount this puppy in your kitchen, you’ll be surprised you ever lived without it.


Flounce Pillow (Teal) – $23.96

This gorgeous teal hue will match all the browns and yellows of your pyramid. You don’t need to a hire a slave to know that!


Papasan Cushion (Red Piper) – $79.20

Let me just say, wow. These remarkable cushions will revolutionize your lounging – adding much needed Papasan to your dull life.


Adriel Chair (Indigo) – $349.98

Indigo? They still use that stuff? Throwback to your ancient roots with this totally authentic chair.


Recycled Glass Head – $19.95

Funkify your toilet corner with this big empty head. Perfect for parties.


Old Bengali Patch Pouf Ottoman – $149.95

If your pyramid needs a splash of clashing colors, look no further than this unique ottoman. Old Texas meets New Mexico with a hand-quilted design even King Tut couldn’t pass up!

Divorcees REAL TALK

10 Divorcees! Heartbroken and DESPERATE!


Sometimes partners can’t get over their differences and divorce. Let’s look at some of the most desperate divorcees this side of the Mississippi! 

This first divorcee is named Terrence. He works at a coffee cart in a remote village.


Self proclaimed, the king of fruit bats, Terrence Jr. lives in a tree and is king of the fruit bats. Wow!


Neil Young is probably divorced, who knows!


This is Doug who is rumored to be a divorcee. He’s been the talk of the town since he was arrested for washing his clothing is his neighbor’s pool last year.


Debra is no stranger to being single. Her husband divorced her minutes before dying in a boating accident. Really makes you think…


Not a lot of people know that Faith Hill has a sister, but she does, and she is extremely divorced.


Sometimes there are men involved in a divorce, like this man, Leslie. Leslie and his dog Cooter live in a large van in a Walmart parking lot in Arizona, very exotic.


Cassandra is a big fat liar and divorced.


Two words: divorced.


Paul moved to Spain after his divorce and he’s never felt shittier. Oh well!




There’s been a lot of controversy around olives lately and I think it’s disgusting.

The bond on an olive family is cherished and undeniable.


Olives come in a variety of shapes, colors, and sizes. Who knew?


Most people have no idea they can find olives at their local grocery store or Pizza Hut dumpster.


Some olives are filled with dog penises.


June 1st marks the day of the first annual olive day. Children and adults sing from the rooftops:

O, King Olive
Leave us your pits
Eat our orphaned children
And orphaned wife children
We will follow your wrath with our hands
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, King Olive, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It


Olives are considered the largest living descendant of bats in Albania. Interesting!!!


One thing we can all agree on is that olives make amazing friends and better husbands…


So toss an olive salad this olive season. Tis the season to eat olives!

What Men Really Want LIFESTYLE

What Men Really Want – Written by a Real…

What Men Really Want
Men. Some of us are them. Women spend their lives asking themselves what men really want and then answering “I don’t know. I am a woman. I’m sorry. Stop asking me that.”
Men, on the other hand, spend our lives screaming what we want at everyone around us. We punch bloody holes in walls spelling out our needs in giant gruesome letters. We grunt and point when we want something, yet no one seems to understand this clear expression of want. We pee our desires in the sand on the beach, only to have them washed away by the tides of women who simply can’t read our pee. If women want to know what men want, they need to go to the source: me. Because I’m a man, and the last I checked, I want things.

“…where do you think the men would be shopping? The women’s side? Fuck no, you dumb fucking idiot”

I want to make an analogy. An analogy is when you try to describe something by describing something else that is different than that thing. Think about a shopping mall. Half of the stores in our imaginary mall cater to women. We’ve got lingerie, make-up, brooms, everything women like. Then on the other side of the mall is guy stuff. Sport hats, fishing music, barbecue sauce hats…talk about guy stuff U.S.A.! Now if this mall were real, which it is (for the purpose of our analogy), where do you think the men would be shopping? The women’s side? Fuck no, you dumb fucking idiot. The men’s side. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“This bra feels great on my breasts!”

Now imagine you’re invisible or have been shrunken down to a very small size. You’re sneaking around watching the shoppers. First you watch the women. You see them smiling, trying on new bras and saying things like “I bet men will like this bra!” and “This bra feels great on my breasts!” Now, follow the men. Are they trying on hot new undies to impress the ladies? Heck no! They’re buying huge rolls of those blue paper towels that are as thick as a washcloth. Men love those blue paper towels.
What Men Really Want
Now, turn uninvisible or become normal sized again. I want you to notice fourteen important points we learned on our little adventure. The women were buying one bra at the bra store, one broom at the broom store, and one makeup at the makeup store.
The men, however, bought as many of those blue paper towels as they could fit in their cart. Some even got 2 carts full. Now, why is this, and what does it tell us about what men want? Well, you see, men never want to go back to the mall. They want to head home, crack open a fresh roll of heavy-duty paper towels, and hopefully die. This is what men want.