What Men Really Want LIFESTYLE

What Men Really Want – Written by a Real…

What Men Really Want
Men. Some of us are them. Women spend their lives asking themselves what men really want and then answering “I don’t know. I am a woman. I’m sorry. Stop asking me that.”
Men, on the other hand, spend our lives screaming what we want at everyone around us. We punch bloody holes in walls spelling out our needs in giant gruesome letters. We grunt and point when we want something, yet no one seems to understand this clear expression of want. We pee our desires in the sand on the beach, only to have them washed away by the tides of women who simply can’t read our pee. If women want to know what men want, they need to go to the source: me. Because I’m a man, and the last I checked, I want things.

“…where do you think the men would be shopping? The women’s side? Fuck no, you dumb fucking idiot”

I want to make an analogy. An analogy is when you try to describe something by describing something else that is different than that thing. Think about a shopping mall. Half of the stores in our imaginary mall cater to women. We’ve got lingerie, make-up, brooms, everything women like. Then on the other side of the mall is guy stuff. Sport hats, fishing music, barbecue sauce hats…talk about guy stuff U.S.A.! Now if this mall were real, which it is (for the purpose of our analogy), where do you think the men would be shopping? The women’s side? Fuck no, you dumb fucking idiot. The men’s side. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“This bra feels great on my breasts!”

Now imagine you’re invisible or have been shrunken down to a very small size. You’re sneaking around watching the shoppers. First you watch the women. You see them smiling, trying on new bras and saying things like “I bet men will like this bra!” and “This bra feels great on my breasts!” Now, follow the men. Are they trying on hot new undies to impress the ladies? Heck no! They’re buying huge rolls of those blue paper towels that are as thick as a washcloth. Men love those blue paper towels.
What Men Really Want
Now, turn uninvisible or become normal sized again. I want you to notice fourteen important points we learned on our little adventure. The women were buying one bra at the bra store, one broom at the broom store, and one makeup at the makeup store.
The men, however, bought as many of those blue paper towels as they could fit in their cart. Some even got 2 carts full. Now, why is this, and what does it tell us about what men want? Well, you see, men never want to go back to the mall. They want to head home, crack open a fresh roll of heavy-duty paper towels, and hopefully die. This is what men want.
Jacy Catlin

Jacy Catlin is a nice man who lives in Wisconsin. Buy his wonderful t shirts at sprots.org.

Owls REAL TALK

9 OWLS

Owls

“Some people think owls are birds and they’re probably right”

If there’s one thing owls cherish it’s family.

Owl

There are all kinds of owls. Some of them have feathers and children, most of them have a lot of feathers.

Owls

Not many people realize that owls were banned until 1978.

Owls

This is a guy who really gets into the corners. Classic owl humor.

Owls

Sing with me the song of the owl:

O, Great owl, humble and large
We give you snack rats
And bags of oatmeal
Fly into the night with your crazy owl wings
Have it your way with your choice of two delicious sides:
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, Great Owl, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It

Owls

In Japan they elected their first Owl Prime Minister — what a hoot!

Owls

One common misconception about owls is their piss poor grooming habits, and I would have to agree with that statement. Absolutely disgusting.

Owls

King of the jungle indeed!

Owls

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

REAL TALK

Fert’s Favorite Famous Foreskins

These 10 famous foreskins rocked Fert’s world! You’d never guess whose famous foreskin tops the list!

10. I do love this British heartthrob’s foreskin, but “spotted dick” isn’t for everyone. 🙂

9. This foreskin is far from original but hey, who can say no to an American original?

8. Many people don’t know this up and coming movie star has one of the Hottest Foreskins Under 40!

7. When it comes to foreskins, size does matter! Just ask this middle-aged man hunk!

6. In my time as an overseas paramedic, I saw some rough shit, this “foreign foreskin” was a beam of hope in a dark time.

5. Not your typical foreskin but you know what they say, change is good. 🙂

4. There’s a good reason this teenage piece of man-candy is on every foreskin list!

3. No foreskin, no problem! This actress doesn’t have a foreskin but everyone deserves a shot at list-life!

2. He may be known for his strength and agility, but what he’s hiding under those panties is the real champion.

1. Not to brag, but the topper of this list has the best foreskin of all time and of course, it belongs to me. Dr. Frank Fert.

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

REAL TALK

What his DENNY’S Order Says about Him!

Fit Slam®

dennys-fit-slam-could-have-100-more-calories-than-advertised

This guy is your classic All-American Boy. Baseball hat, khaki shorts and a collared Tee? That freckle on his elbow? And don’t get me started on those calves! What I would do for a piece of that USC undergrad.

Dude Ranking: ★★★★☆

Raspberry & White Chocolate Pancake Puppies®

Strawberry-Pancake-Puppy-with-Cream-Cheese-Icing

Yikes. He’s hiding something. Those post-midnight calls to “Mommy”? The last-minute trip to Boca with “her”? Not a coincidence, sweetheart. Wake up sweetie, “Mommy’s” dead.

Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆

Tilapia Ranchero

tilapia

Oooo, we got ourselves a bad boy. Don’t be charmed by his 2002 Honda Moped, he hardly knows how to use it. You’re just another flapjack on his skillet. Move on, sistah.

Dude Ranking: ★☆☆☆☆

Moons Over My Hammy®

moon

A Denny’s classic? Sure, but an American classic? Mmm… not quite. Your “alternative” man’s artistic lifestyle certainly seems cute now, but you just bought yourself  a 1-way train ticket to an Open Relationship City. No refunds.

Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆

T-Bone Steak & Eggs

TilapiaRanchero-Large-Menu-Images

A large breakfast for a large man! In personality, I mean. You found a real fat go-getter. While his sense of humor sometimes is an enormous weight on your back, you can take his load off knowing that you found a nice one.

Dude Ranking: ★★★★★

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

Towers REAL TALK

Diane’s Towers

Towers

“Some of the best towers I’ve seen in my “39” years on earth, LOL!!! -DIANE!!!”

This little cutie is one of my favorites!

Towers

If there’s one thing I love, it’s towers that are in the wilderness!!

Towers

I like all kinds of towers. This is more of a SHOW-ER NOT A GROW-ER, LOL!!!

Towers

This is a bird tower I met on my travels!

Towers

Another good tower

Towers

My second husband would have loved this tower God rest his soul!!!!

Towers

This is a fun bunch of cuties, right?

Towers

Definitely a ten out of ten!!! Magnificent!!

Towers

Saw one of these in person last June, just spectacular!!

Towers

Nearly creamed my skort! Yes! I wear a skort, so what!!! LOL!!!

Towers

My niece’s favorite!!! Can you believe I’m 39!!!!!!!?

Towers
Diane

Single, 5’4, with JUNK in the TRUNK!! LOL!!!

Mayor OOPS

Diane Drama: I Hit the Mayor with My Car…

Mayor

Here’s my confession: Yes, I hit the mayor with my car and kept driving. I’m not a terrible person, though! Really, it could have happened to anyone. Lots of people drink a little too much chardonnay at dinner and agree to give their younger boyfriend Greg a handjob on the ride home. Why didn’t Greg drive? Because he only has one arm, duh. Anyway, as I drove through that crossing and heard the thud on my windshield, I did stop the car! I got out like a responsible adult and checked the mayor’s battered and bloodied face just long enough to make sure he was still breathing. I ignored his pleas of “Call 911, please, I think I’m dying, I’m a new grandfather!” because my cell phone is ran? out of minutes.

How would you feel to be me? A divorced mother of two ungrateful children that openly tell me every day they prefer their stepmother Karen because she makes their father happy in a way I never could. I’m just trying my best! Sometimes I feel so powerless I get too drunk at dive bars and take my top off in the bathroom. It’s empowering in a way that’s too complicated for me to explain to you.

So when I took one last look at the mayor whimpering on the sidewalk in a puddle of his own vomit and blood, I felt alive in a way I haven’t felt since they brought the Oprah chai tea latte to Starbucks. I hopped back into my car, buckled in, and felt a rush of adrenaline. Ah, so this is power.

Greg cried the whole way home like a little bitch but not me. I sped up and drove the whole way home cackling. I hit the mayor with my car and I’d do it again.

Looks like Diane’s got her groove back.

Sam Montgomery

Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.

Selfie Stick REAL TALK

SELFIE STICKS

Selfie Stick

Selfie Sticks aren’t that bad!!!

All kinds of people have been using selfie sticks lately!

FRIENDS FOREVER
Selfie Stick
ALL MY UNCLES
Selfie Stick
UNCLE PUFF
Selfie Stick
JILLIAN, GREG’S EX
Selfie Stick
UNCLE FONG
Selfie Stick
LARRY LONG LEGS
Selfie Stick
MOOSE JAW SECONDARY SCHOOL GRADUATING CLASS ’12
Selfie Stick
RUBY TUESDAY TANGO CLUB
Selfie Stick
FRED DURST
Selfie Stick
DANNY DANGER-MAN
Selfie Stick
KIMOTHY
Selfie Stick

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Bread Flavors REAL TALK

Spring’s Top 5 Bread Flavors

Bread Flavors

The top bread flavors are here!

Did your favorite make the list?

PUMPERNICKEL

Not just your dad’s favorite bread anymore! Pumpernickel packs a punch and is really good with mayonnaise (even toasted) try it!

Bread Flavors
THE WHITE STUFF

YUMMO! Try putting a lot of mayonnaise on slices of these bad boys. White bread is definitely in season.

Bread Flavors
SEEDLESS

Seedless breads are all the rage in developing and developed countries. Take a hike, bread seeds, there’s a new bread in town (not your father’s bread)

Bread Flavors
THE CAROLINE

GOOD BREAD ALERT!!! Ever wanted to try a bread that had a hard crust and a less hard bread part? It’s called Caroline and you should eat it with a tomato and mayonnaise.

Bread Flavors
DIPPERS

This is bread that has been cut into strips so you can dip them in your favorite egg or ketchup. Fun for the whole family and it makes kids like bread too. #BreadKids

Bread Flavors

Click here for a $1.00 coupon

For Sweet Gordon's Zippy Ranch

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

Snails REAL TALK

SNAILS!

Snails

Snails are IN!

How many of these hard working snails do you recognize?

GARETH

Snails

AGNES

Snails

WILLIAM

Snails

PHILADELPHIA WORKING SNAILS

Snails

JERRY

Snails

LARRY LONG LEGS

Snails

THE FUN BUNCH

Snails

SUSAN

Snails

REFUGEES OF ST. AUGUSTINE

Snails

GREG’S ANGELS

Snails

THE MARTY TWINS

Snails

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.