REAL TALK

9 OWLS

04/02/201503/09/2019
by Julia Davidovich

“Some people think owls are birds and they’re probably right”

If there’s one thing owls cherish it’s family.

There are all kinds of owls. Some of them have feathers and children, most of them have a lot of feathers.

Not many people realize that owls were banned until 1978.

This is a guy who really gets into the corners. Classic owl humor.

Sing with me the song of the owl:

O, Great owl, humble and large
We give you snack rats
And bags of oatmeal
Fly into the night with your crazy owl wings
Have it your way with your choice of two delicious sides:
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, Great Owl, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It

In Japan they elected their first Owl Prime Minister — what a hoot!

One common misconception about owls is their piss poor grooming habits, and I would have to agree with that statement. Absolutely disgusting.

King of the jungle indeed!

Julia Davidovich

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

REAL TALK

Fert’s Favorite Famous Foreskins

04/01/201503/09/2019
by Zoë Klar

These 10 famous foreskins rocked Fert’s world! You’d never guess whose famous foreskin tops the list!

10. I do love this British heartthrob’s foreskin, but “spotted dick” isn’t for everyone. 🙂

9. This foreskin is far from original but hey, who can say no to an American original?

8. Many people don’t know this up and coming movie star has one of the Hottest Foreskins Under 40!

7. When it comes to foreskins, size does matter! Just ask this middle-aged man hunk!

6. In my time as an overseas paramedic, I saw some rough shit, this “foreign foreskin” was a beam of hope in a dark time.

5. Not your typical foreskin but you know what they say, change is good. 🙂

4. There’s a good reason this teenage piece of man-candy is on every foreskin list!

3. No foreskin, no problem! This actress doesn’t have a foreskin but everyone deserves a shot at list-life!

2. He may be known for his strength and agility, but what he’s hiding under those panties is the real champion.

1. Not to brag, but the topper of this list has the best foreskin of all time and of course, it belongs to me. Dr. Frank Fert.

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

REAL TALK

What his DENNY’S Order Says about Him!

03/25/201503/09/2019
by Zoë Klar

Fit Slam®

This guy is your classic All-American Boy. Baseball hat, khaki shorts and a collared Tee? That freckle on his elbow? And don’t get me started on those calves! What I would do for a piece of that USC undergrad.

Dude Ranking: ★★★★☆

Raspberry & White Chocolate Pancake Puppies^®

Strawberry-Pancake-Puppy-with-Cream-Cheese-Icing

Yikes. He’s hiding something. Those post-midnight calls to “Mommy”? The last-minute trip to Boca with “her”? Not a coincidence, sweetheart. Wake up sweetie, “Mommy’s” dead.

Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆

Tilapia Ranchero

Oooo, we got ourselves a bad boy. Don’t be charmed by his 2002 Honda Moped, he hardly knows how to use it. You’re just another flapjack on his skillet. Move on, sistah.

Dude Ranking: ★☆☆☆☆

Moons Over My Hammy^®

A Denny’s classic? Sure, but an American classic? Mmm… not quite. Your “alternative” man’s artistic lifestyle certainly seems cute now, but you just bought yourself a 1-way train ticket to an Open Relationship City. No refunds.

Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆

T-Bone Steak & Eggs

A large breakfast for a large man! In personality, I mean. You found a real fat go-getter. While his sense of humor sometimes is an enormous weight on your back, you can take his load off knowing that you found a nice one.

Dude Ranking: ★★★★★

Zoë Klar

Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.

REAL TALK

Diane’s Towers

03/24/201503/09/2019
by Diane

“Some of the best towers I’ve seen in my “39” years on earth, LOL!!! -DIANE!!!”

This little cutie is one of my favorites!

If there’s one thing I love, it’s towers that are in the wilderness!!

I like all kinds of towers. This is more of a SHOW-ER NOT A GROW-ER, LOL!!!

This is a bird tower I met on my travels!

Another good tower

My second husband would have loved this tower God rest his soul!!!!

This is a fun bunch of cuties, right?

Definitely a ten out of ten!!! Magnificent!!

Saw one of these in person last June, just spectacular!!

Nearly creamed my skort! Yes! I wear a skort, so what!!! LOL!!!

My niece’s favorite!!! Can you believe I’m 39!!!!!!!?

Diane

Single, 5’4, with JUNK in the TRUNK!! LOL!!!

OOPS

Diane Drama: I Hit the Mayor with My Car…

03/19/201503/09/2019
by Sam Montgomery

Here’s my confession: Yes, I hit the mayor with my car and kept driving. I’m not a terrible person, though! Really, it could have happened to anyone. Lots of people drink a little too much chardonnay at dinner and agree to give their younger boyfriend Greg a handjob on the ride home. Why didn’t Greg drive? Because he only has one arm, duh. Anyway, as I drove through that crossing and heard the thud on my windshield, I did stop the car! I got out like a responsible adult and checked the mayor’s battered and bloodied face just long enough to make sure he was still breathing. I ignored his pleas of “Call 911, please, I think I’m dying, I’m a new grandfather!” because my cell phone is ran? out of minutes.

How would you feel to be me? A divorced mother of two ungrateful children that openly tell me every day they prefer their stepmother Karen because she makes their father happy in a way I never could. I’m just trying my best! Sometimes I feel so powerless I get too drunk at dive bars and take my top off in the bathroom. It’s empowering in a way that’s too complicated for me to explain to you.

So when I took one last look at the mayor whimpering on the sidewalk in a puddle of his own vomit and blood, I felt alive in a way I haven’t felt since they brought the Oprah chai tea latte to Starbucks. I hopped back into my car, buckled in, and felt a rush of adrenaline. Ah, so this is power.

Greg cried the whole way home like a little bitch but not me. I sped up and drove the whole way home cackling. I hit the mayor with my car and I’d do it again.

Looks like Diane’s got her groove back.

Sam Montgomery

Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.

REAL TALK

SELFIE STICKS

03/11/201503/09/2019
by Julia Davidovich

Selfie Sticks aren’t that bad!!!

All kinds of people have been using selfie sticks lately!

FRIENDS FOREVER

ALL MY UNCLES

UNCLE PUFF

JILLIAN, GREG’S EX

UNCLE FONG

LARRY LONG LEGS

MOOSE JAW SECONDARY SCHOOL GRADUATING CLASS ’12

RUBY TUESDAY TANGO CLUB

FRED DURST

DANNY DANGER-MAN

KIMOTHY

Julia Davidovich

Julia Davidovich came to Los Angeles via Canada to pursue her career as a mime. Too bad all mimes are men and Julia is supposedly a woman.

REAL TALK

Spring’s Top 5 Bread Flavors

03/04/201503/09/2019
by Julia Davidovich

The top bread flavors are here!

Did your favorite make the list?

PUMPERNICKEL

Not just your dad’s favorite bread anymore! Pumpernickel packs a punch and is really good with mayonnaise (even toasted) try it!

THE WHITE STUFF

YUMMO! Try putting a lot of mayonnaise on slices of these bad boys. White bread is definitely in season.

SEEDLESS

Seedless breads are all the rage in developing and developed countries. Take a hike, bread seeds, there’s a new bread in town (not your father’s bread)

THE CAROLINE

GOOD BREAD ALERT!!! Ever wanted to try a bread that had a hard crust and a less hard bread part? It’s called Caroline and you should eat it with a tomato and mayonnaise.

DIPPERS

This is bread that has been cut into strips so you can dip them in your favorite egg or ketchup. Fun for the whole family and it makes kids like bread too. #BreadKids