We all know Donald Trump hates China… but which one?! With so many Chinas in this world, we at LADYPARTS Magazine had to get to the bottom of this tenuous issue.
1. China Classic
Located on planet earth, China Classic is known for its dense population of people and only children. Trump claims China Classic is “perhaps even the lamest of all Chinas.”
2. Japan China
Japan China may be the most picturesque China, but that doesn’t make it fun. Secluded in the Pacific Ocean, just north of the Great Pacific garbage patch, very few visit Japan and even fewer…make it back alive.
According to Trump, “Japan, China? No fucking way.”
Chyna is known for the big personality of the country. Chyna is perhaps the most provocative China but according to Trump, “I’m busy right now, go away.”
4. Nana’s Nice China
Nana’s Nice China has been in the family for centuries, but that doesn’t mean its pretty. “All it does is collect dust in the cupboard, why can’t we just sell it?” asks Trump. Only visit on special occasions with Papa’s Silver Cutlery.
Chinaland is a small town located just south of Chinawich. Nearly inhabitable because of the cloud of toxic smoke that surrounds it, Chinaland is one of the oldest cities in Beijing. “Never even heard of it,” says T.
6. China from the movies
No list of horrible Chinas is complete without mention of China from the movies. Flooded with humans and disease, China from the movies is no place for humans. “Avoid it,” says Trump “and get out of my face, will ya?”
7. China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties and stuff
China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties stuff may seem fun, but the past should stay in the past. The big T says “China from a long time ago with like emperors and dynasties stuff has to be the most upsetting of all Chinas. I HATE the past.”
The question that has been baffling scientists for years is ready to be solved. We will get to the bottom of this!
Fall is the best time to try new foods, try some food with us!
Turkey Fingerlings are the perfect way to give it your best try. Heat these cuties up in a skillet or over a hot plate for 10 minutes and serve. We suggest trying the Trader Joe’s Not Your Aunt’s Catchup for dippin’.
El Chapo’s Churros are the only way to get cinnamon in your bra, hair, armpits, in and around your cervical opening.
Little Miss Bossy Sauce’s Tequila Lime Saucey Sauce is a sexy way to spice up ground beef to the occasional chutney, and everything in between.
Sea Salt & Clam Tater Crisps are simply the tits! Let these babies melt in your mouth, and wash them down with a cool glass of Fat Aunt’s Skim Milk.
New Moon Cleanse (Gogi Berry & Silk Blend), reminds us that every moon needs a clean cycle, get the gunk out with our limited time flavors this fall.
Settle down turds and turdettes, it’s Managerial Mark here, your Crew leader. We have some new fall items you need to know about, and Thanksgiving is around the corner, dicktits, so pay attention.
Yammy Mammy Marshmallow Sweet Potato Side
These guys are perfect for singles, loners, dog people, seniors, or anyone with no teeth or general tooth sensitivity. Yammy’s pairs well with our signature Warm Duck Salad and Ginger Pear Spears.
This guy is pre-stuffed with cabbage rind and walnuts so you know it’s moist as hell. Remind customers that this turkey is for single lesbian substitute teachers only.
Diet Muffin Stuffin’
Due to a recent backlog of muffin bottoms after our release of Mammoth Martha’s Muffin Tops, we are proud to announce the latest holiday staple, stuffing made entirely out of dried muffin bottoms: try baking these cuties at 400 for 10, adding a drizzle of corn vinaigrette and garnish with Ginger Pear Spears for a quick salad.
Crazy Aunt Barbara’s Crantastic Preservation Experiment
This cranberry topping is rumored to have started as a failed attempt to ferment cranberries for liquor in jail toilets for trade in the big house. Once she was out, Aunt Barbara’s passion for toilet cranberry topping was passed down through generations and eventually our hands.
Chubby Hubby’s Mexican Pumpkin Pie
This pie is the answer to every receptionist’s Thanksgiving potluck contribution. It’s every American’s favorite holiday pie with a sexy twist. And in America, it’s nice to have secrets again.
Sometimes partners can’t get over their differences and divorce. Let’s look at some of the most desperate divorcees this side of the Mississippi!
This first divorcee is named Terrence. He works at a coffee cart in a remote village.
Self proclaimed, the king of fruit bats, Terrence Jr. lives in a tree and is king of the fruit bats. Wow!
Neil Young is probably divorced, who knows!
This is Doug who is rumored to be a divorcee. He’s been the talk of the town since he was arrested for washing his clothing is his neighbor’s pool last year.
Debra is no stranger to being single. Her husband divorced her minutes before dying in a boating accident. Really makes you think…
Not a lot of people know that Faith Hill has a sister, but she does, and she is extremely divorced.
Sometimes there are men involved in a divorce, like this man, Leslie. Leslie and his dog Cooter live in a large van in a Walmart parking lot in Arizona, very exotic.
Cassandra is a big fat liar and divorced.
Two words: divorced.
Paul moved to Spain after his divorce and he’s never felt shittier. Oh well!
There’s been a lot of controversy around olives lately and I think it’s disgusting.
The bond on an olive family is cherished and undeniable.
Olives come in a variety of shapes, colors, and sizes. Who knew?
Most people have no idea they can find olives at their local grocery store or Pizza Hut dumpster.
Some olives are filled with dog penises.
June 1st marks the day of the first annual olive day. Children and adults sing from the rooftops:
O, King Olive
Leave us your pits
Eat our orphaned children
And orphaned wife children
We will follow your wrath with our hands
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, King Olive, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It
Olives are considered the largest living descendant of bats in Albania. Interesting!!!
One thing we can all agree on is that olives make amazing friends and better husbands…
So toss an olive salad this olive season. Tis the season to eat olives!
“Some people think owls are birds and they’re probably right”
If there’s one thing owls cherish it’s family.
There are all kinds of owls. Some of them have feathers and children, most of them have a lot of feathers.
Not many people realize that owls were banned until 1978.
This is a guy who really gets into the corners. Classic owl humor.
Sing with me the song of the owl:
O, Great owl, humble and large
We give you snack rats
And bags of oatmeal
Fly into the night with your crazy owl wings
Have it your way with your choice of two delicious sides:
Coleslaw, Fries, Meat offerings, Large worms, Side salad, Chilli
O, Great Owl, Life is Better at Chili’s, I’m Lovin’ It
In Japan they elected their first Owl Prime Minister — what a hoot!
One common misconception about owls is their piss poor grooming habits, and I would have to agree with that statement. Absolutely disgusting.
King of the jungle indeed!
These 10 famous foreskins rocked Fert’s world! You’d never guess whose famous foreskin tops the list!
10. I do love this British heartthrob’s foreskin, but “spotted dick” isn’t for everyone. 🙂
9. This foreskin is far from original but hey, who can say no to an American original?
8. Many people don’t know this up and coming movie star has one of the Hottest Foreskins Under 40!
7. When it comes to foreskins, size does matter! Just ask this middle-aged man hunk!
6. In my time as an overseas paramedic, I saw some rough shit, this “foreign foreskin” was a beam of hope in a dark time.
5. Not your typical foreskin but you know what they say, change is good. 🙂
4. There’s a good reason this teenage piece of man-candy is on every foreskin list!
3. No foreskin, no problem! This actress doesn’t have a foreskin but everyone deserves a shot at list-life!
2. He may be known for his strength and agility, but what he’s hiding under those panties is the real champion.
1. Not to brag, but the topper of this list has the best foreskin of all time and of course, it belongs to me. Dr. Frank Fert.
This guy is your classic All-American Boy. Baseball hat, khaki shorts and a collared Tee? That freckle on his elbow? And don’t get me started on those calves! What I would do for a piece of that USC undergrad.
Dude Ranking: ★★★★☆
Raspberry & White Chocolate Pancake Puppies®
Yikes. He’s hiding something. Those post-midnight calls to “Mommy”? The last-minute trip to Boca with “her”? Not a coincidence, sweetheart. Wake up sweetie, “Mommy’s” dead.
Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆
Oooo, we got ourselves a bad boy. Don’t be charmed by his 2002 Honda Moped, he hardly knows how to use it. You’re just another flapjack on his skillet. Move on, sistah.
Dude Ranking: ★☆☆☆☆
Moons Over My Hammy®
A Denny’s classic? Sure, but an American classic? Mmm… not quite. Your “alternative” man’s artistic lifestyle certainly seems cute now, but you just bought yourself a 1-way train ticket to an Open Relationship City. No refunds.
Dude Ranking: ★★☆☆☆
T-Bone Steak & Eggs
A large breakfast for a large man! In personality, I mean. You found a real fat go-getter. While his sense of humor sometimes is an enormous weight on your back, you can take his load off knowing that you found a nice one.
Dude Ranking: ★★★★★