Hieroglyphics SEXY SEX

Diane Decodes His Hieroglyphics

Hieroglyphics

Tips to understand your Egyptian Prince!!!!!!!!

Hieroglyphics

Stop crying and hand me the towel, why are you still here?

Hieroglyphics

Stop asking me about my turds, I control my destiny.

Hieroglyphics

Your sister’s always been a bitch anyway.

Hieroglyphics

Your massages suck and they always have because of your rough hands.

Diane
Single, 5’4, with JUNK in the TRUNK!! LOL!!!
Horny Grads Dads

Sex Tips For The Horny Grads and Dads in…

Horny Grads

Dads and Grads both love getting their Dockers wet! Here are our favorite steamy summer sex tips for the Horny Grads or Dads in your life.

Horny Grads

Dads! Pop it Like it’s Hot
Seduce him with a Dad’s Old Fashioned Root Beer while he clips his toenails in bed.

Horny Grads

Grads! The Crabwalk
Chances are he got crabs at some point in college. Let him relive his glory days by putting a crab up his butt.

Horny Grads

Dads! The Lawn Mower
For the last time, GO MOW THE GODDAMN LAWN!!!!!

Horny Grads

Grads! Pump and CirCUMstance
Pump up his wiener like you’d pump up a bicycle tire and then roll him down a hill into a ditch.

Horny Grads

Dads! Grand Slam Home Run
While ONLY wearing his favorite pair of wraparound Oakleys, drink a 12 pack of beer and then puke on his crotch.

Horny Grads

Grads! Student Loan Moan
Pay off his student loans and then have sex with him or something I don’t know.

Marie Colette
Special needs child turned international fitness celebrity.
SEXY SEX

New Yogurt-Flavored Condoms: HOT OR NOT?

“It’s time for a change!” exclaimed Gretchen Walkerhoff, CEO of foreskin. The Miami-based condom company is no stranger to barrier-pushing ideas but Yogurt-flavored condoms? Could these really take off?

Walkerhoff thinks, yes. “The only thing women love more than blowjobs is yogurt… so why not combine them?”

4SKIN made headlines in late 2002 after they released a limited-edition Vaginadentata Female Condom. After 4 confirmed deaths and nearly 50 accidental castrations, the VFC was discontinued. They now sell on Amazon for nearly $1,500 a pop.

The CEO at the time, Greg Blaneir was let go after the incident and Walkerhoff took over.

“We’re trying to craft a feminist image here. The yogurt-flavored condom has real probiotics and cultures that battle infections as they’re forming!” **

** According to LADYPARTS’ medical correspondent, Dr. Frank Fert, this is impossible

Walkerhoff believes yogurt holds the secret to 4SKIN’s economical “dry spell.”

They’ve been losing money every year since the VFC incident and Walkerhoff has been going to great efforts to get in touch with the feminine voice of the company and it the process, she’s become more of a women herself.

And it’s not just women who love 4SKIN’s new, creamy product. Men LOVE the attention and mouthplay.

“We want the men to want to wear a condom.”

Haha okay, good luck.

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.
Dirty Secrets SEXY SEX

Dr. Fert’s Dirty Secrets to a Most Passionate Love-Doing

Dirty Secrets

So… you’ve decided to “sex” your man or woman? It’s about way more than sliding into holes especially if she’s a fertile Myrtle.

Check out these tiny dirty secrets from me, Dr. Fert!!!

Dirty Secret 1: Sexing-Up the Love Cave

Dirty Secrets

One of the most important components of love-doing is your surroundings. Watch your love-doings transform as your environment shifts.

Three words: candles, candles, CANDLES! Both ladies and men love to use candles in and outside of the bedroom. Spice up your cave with the scent of a thousand Gingerbread Men.

Dirty Secret 2: Navigating your partner's sexual love-map.

Dirty Secrets

You would not go on a road trip without your GPS or certified GPS assistant dog. Get to know the map of your lover.

Start at your partner’s appendages and make a right onto Pleasure Highway. Continue north until you reach exit 69, pay close attention to bumps and road work ahead!

Dirty Little Secret 3: Errogenizing your Horizons

Dirty Secrets

It’s time to get comfortable in our own skin and love make outside the box for once in your life.

Start by attending a local rec center class for beginner’s acrobatics. You’ll enjoy the time you’re spending as lovers and as circus rats. Who knows what tricks you’ll learn!

Dirty Little Secret 4: Hitting it without Quitting it

Dirty Secrets

A common problem with sexually active males is maintaining a Stiff Jackson for an appropriate amount of time –46 to 53 minutes on average in North American.

The best advice I have for maintaining a Hard Susie is thinking about an extremely long game of cricket or the last time you went to the beach wearing sneakers.

HEY YOU WANT FREE PONS?

WELL GET TO CLICKIN'

SEXY SEX

10 Ways Scientology Can Spice Up Your Marriage

Marriage is hard. There’s no shame in admitting that you have a problem. Maybe you and your husband have been married for 10 years and he’s distant and you haven’t slept together in a few months and his secretary calls late at night and you cry more than usual.


Luckily, there’s a solution. It’s called Scientology. Scientology literally means “knowing how to know.” Fact. And when have facts ever been wrong? Here’s 10 PROVEN ways you can spice up your marriage.

1. Maybe you and your husband are going through one of your frequent “cooling down” periods, and maybe you haven’t touched each other in a while, and maybe you crave the touch of another human’s flesh with such a violent urge that you’ve been groping strangers in line at the supermarket. This is a problem. BUT, there’s a solution. Snuggle with your John Travolta body pillow, economically priced at just $69.95!

2. Have him committed to one of Scientology’s prison camps for 6 months. Nothing makes the heart grow fonder than absence… And 18 hours a day of grueling hard labor. By the time he’s finally released he’ll be so mentally and physically wrecked that he’ll be unable to leave you due to exhaustion. Win-win! 

3. Auditing, auditing, auditing! Make your husband go in for extra auditing sessions to “divulge him of all his negative energies and thoughts.” Use those thoughts against him in future arguments. Sure, it’s a complete invasion of privacy but think of the make-up sex after you casually bring up the time he had gay thoughts at summer camp when he was 13.

4. Tap his phone. When you’re listening in on his conversations you can whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

5. Put portraits of L. Ron Hubbard all around the house and especially in the bedroom. Nothing says arousal like the founder of Scientology’s dead eyes following you around. Spooky scary!

6. Nothing brings two people together faster than hating the same person, so find an outspoken critic of Scientology and make their life a living Hell. Show up to their home and yell profanities at them. Videotape their every movement. Find out what school their children go to and pay the popular kids to bully them. If they have a problem with it, you’re just practising your First Amendment rights. It’s called free speech, ever heard of it?

7. Think about David Miscavige while lovemaking with your spouse.

8. Trick him into signing the one billion year contract. What better way to have him prove his undying devotion to your marriage than to be contractually-obligated to love you?
9. Empty your bank accounts and put that money towards Scientology courses. He’ll be unable to wine and dine a mistress AND without money for food he’ll be so delirious from hunger he’ll have to rely on you to nurse him.

10. Pull a “Shelly Miscavige” and make him disappear. Er, not disappear, per se. Cause she’s totally around and just busy. She’s just been super busy for 10 years and doesn’t have time to appear in public. She’s totally fine. No, really. She’s doing good. Things are great in Scientology and they can be for you too. Join us. Hail Xenu.

Sam Montgomery
Sam Montgomery was Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing.
SEXY SEX

10 Things Guys Should Never Do On a First…

First Dates

Ladies, you know the drill. Relationships are all about give and take, and there’s a lot we’ll put up with, but if he pulls any of these on you on the first date, girl, you’d better run!

Here are ten of the most common first date deal-breakers:

1.  Be the guy from Smash Mouth. 
This rule may seem obvious to most of us, but you’d be surprised just how many ladies don’t seem to care!
2. Bring another woman. 
Look, fun gals like us are up for almost anything, but here’s where the “almost” comes into play. Sure, she’d probably make a great bathroom gossip buddy, but that’s not the point.

3. Slap a child.

Unless the child is really, really asking for it.

4. Talk during the movie.
A little witty commentary here and there is fine, but keep it to a minimum, buddy! We’re trying to enjoy this porno.

5. Ask if you’d be willing to convert. 
Whoa, too soon, fella! We’re all for religious guys and we’re not saying Satanism is out of the question but lighten up and save the serious stuff for later!
6. Make you pay.
Modern gals like us are open to the idea of going dutch! But not on the first date, and certainly not his mortgage payment or alimony. A lady has to have some self respect!
7. Hide a gun in your purse.
Candy? Sure. A tenner? Absolutely. Picture of Ryan Gosling shirtless? Always appreciated. A stolen Smith & Wesson .22 caliber pistol? Totes inappropes.
8. Get matching tattoos. 
Let’s face it, tattoos are kinda tacky and matching tattoos are always a bad idea (sorry, it’s true!). That goes double for on a first date and triple when it’s of his ex-wife’s name.

9. Buy you tampons.
It’s one thing if you need them but as a first date gift it’s just not that romantic.
10. Bite the head off a live chicken.

Hey, we know he’s hungry. We’re hungry, too! But he should try to have at least a tiny bit of decorum until we’ve known him longer. And he’d better share!

Jessie Dean Altman
Jessie likes podcasts and liver snaps.
SEXY SEX

What’s Next for the Vagina?

Vagina

The vagina has been up to A LOT lately and industry specialists are trying to predict what the vagina will be up to next. At such a crucial point in the vagina’s career, her next move could make or break her. People close to the vagina have remained hush-hush on the issue but this has only encouraged the media to make their own predictions.

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

Local scientists have been doing extensive vaginal research to try to make an educated hypothesis. “At this point, we haven’t come to a conclusive decision,” said Janet Britz of The New England Vaj Institute. “All we can say is the outcome of her choice could change the way we see and penetrate the world. All of us at the Vaj Institute are excited to see what happens.”

“We haven’t come to a conclusive decision…”

WHAT DOES FRANK SAY?

TMZ’s medical correspondent, Dr. Frank Fert forecasts she will transition to acting, as budding starlets have in the past but this is mere speculation as acting has never been the vagina’s area of expertise.*

 

*The vagina has refused to comment on this speculation.

Vagina

Sources tell LADYPARTS the vagina is keeping to herself but will comment on her future in the coming weeks.

Zoë Klar
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.