So… you got your first tampon. First off, congratulations. This a huge deal and an important step on your journey towards womanhood. I know what you’re thinking, what is this thing? How does this work? IT GOES WHERE?
Take a deep breath, I’m here to help.
Step 1: Getting to Know You
Just like how you wouldn’t want to have sex with a stranger, (I’m looking at you, Jessica) you shouldn’t house a tampon without getting to know her first. Take a few minutes to appreciate her simplistic design and natural beauty.
If you’ve never seen a tampon before, you may be surprised at how much there is know! Don’t be scared, I’ve provided an “easy-to-read” and informative diagram to help you out.
Step 2: Two Becoming One
This step is EXTREMELY important. You may feel a little funny doing it but if you skip this step, your body may reject the tampon as a foreign object resulting in Toxic Shock Syndrome or even worse, death.
Gently shove the tip of the tampon into your nose so the cells on your nasal wall rub off onto it. Leave it in there for a couple moments, then remove. Make sure the ‘pon does not touch anything else before insertion.
Step 3: Nice and Slow
Though they are great, insertables can be fussy. The number one thing that sets them off? Moving too quickly. So make sure you take your time with her. Remember, she’s doing you a favor and the least you can do is show some respect.
Get into a comfortable position. I prefer a split or the Diane Rump-Up (See Above) but others may just sit down on the toilet and hope for the best. At this point I have to remind you ladies to breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe. It’s all about to happen.
Step 4: It's Now or Never, Baby!
Okay, I think you’re ready. Relax your shoulders and carefully introduce the tampon into her new home. It shouldn’t hurt but if it does, remove the tampon and repeatedly try to reinsert her for another 10-15 minutes. Make sure she lays parallel to the wall of your venus. If you’re like me, (and your uterus is shifted upside down and to the left) it can be difficult but if I can do it. So can you!
Let the strings dangle freely in the wind as you go on with your day/life. When it comes time for the tampon to get evicted, pull on the strings, dispose of the tenant and repeat steps 1-4.
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.