Hardcore mouth rocker and amateur matchmaker for the elderly, Gene Simmons sits down with LADYPARTS magazine to dish on his new career and shit all over his former one.
LP: Wow, Gene! What a life you’ve led. Tell me about the five years that have passed since we last spoke.
GS: Change doesn’t even begin to describe everything I’ve gone through. Let me SparkNotes it for you. Emotional breakdown, left my band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, emergency appendectomy, left the band, rejoined my band, reunion tour, left my band, finally found my true passion in watching old people fall in love. Now, I have my own reality show, Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC this fall.
LP: How is your show different from other matchmaking shows like Millionaire Matchmaker and To Catch a Predator?
GS: My matchmaking technique is far from conventional. After my emergency appendectomy, I spent some time in third world nations, studying their courtship methods and fucking as many geriatric locals as I could find. (Laughs) In a way it was my rebirth and this show is a reflection of that.
LP: How has being a hard core mouth rocker helped your matchmaking skills?
GS: Old people are a lot like musicians; sweaty, always tired and drowning in pussy. This is why I was drawn to working with them. Some people thinks it’s weird, “Gene…Gene Simmons? A reality show on TLC?” But hey, you go where the wind blows ya.
LP: How do they other fellas in the band feel?
GS: Oh the brothas are always used to me and my wacky antics!They are supportive but think it’s just a phase. Paul will come crawling to me for an old lady friend soon, you can just tell.
LP: And now the question on everyone’s mind, do you fuck your clients?
GS: You’ll have to watch the show to know that!
LP: So yes?
GS: What do you think, sweetie…
There you have it! Make sure to watch Old, Fat & Single with Gene Simmons coming to TLC and stay tuned for another reunion tour.
Zoë Klar has lived in her mom’s attic and her uncle’s basement making her a real force to be reckoned with.