Men. Some of us are them. Women spend their lives asking themselves what men really want and then answering “I don’t know. I am a woman. I’m sorry. Stop asking me that.”

Men, on the other hand, spend our lives screaming what we want at everyone around us. We punch bloody holes in walls spelling out our needs in giant gruesome letters. We grunt and point when we want something, yet no one seems to understand this clear expression of want. We pee our desires in the sand on the beach, only to have them washed away by the tides of women who simply can’t read our pee. If women want to know what men want, they need to go to the source: me. Because I’m a man, and the last I checked, I want things.

I want to make an analogy. An analogy is when you try to describe something by describing something else that is different than that thing. Think about a shopping mall. Half of the stores in our imaginary mall cater to women. We’ve got lingerie, make-up, brooms, everything women like. Then on the other side of the mall is guy stuff. Sport hats, fishing music, barbecue sauce hats…talk about guy stuff U.S.A.! Now if this mall were real, which it is (for the purpose of our analogy), where do you think the men would be shopping? The women’s side? Fuck no, you dumb fucking idiot. The men’s side. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Now imagine you’re invisible or have been shrunken down to a very small size. You’re sneaking around watching the shoppers. First you watch the women. You see them smiling, trying on new bras and saying things like “I bet men will like this bra!” and “This bra feels great on my breasts!” Now, follow the men. Are they trying on hot new undies to impress the ladies? Heck no! They’re buying huge rolls of those blue paper towels that are as thick as a washcloth. Men love those blue paper towels.

Now, turn uninvisible or become normal sized again. I want you to notice fourteen important points we learned on our little adventure. The women were buying one bra at the bra store, one broom at the broom store, and one makeup at the makeup store.

The men, however, bought as many of those blue paper towels as they could fit in their cart. Some even got 2 carts full. Now, why is this, and what does it tell us about what men want? Well, you see, men never want to go back to the mall. They want to head home, crack open a fresh roll of heavy-duty paper towels, and hopefully die. This is what men want.